I decided to take one week off, completely off. I have given 80 workshops this year, from one to three days long and numerous talks, coaching sessions, facilitations on top of that. And I feel immensely exhausted from being in an intensive interaction with people all the time, and especially from being exposed in front of audiences continually. I just had to run away for some time, to simply be alone, not interacting. Luckily enough Marjeta fully understands my position and supports this need of mine. And kids are OK with it too. Although this is not the best way to spend the Christmas time.
So here I am, with our dear good old reliable van, that has taken us to such wonderful places that we already consider it/him to be a part of our family, in a deserted camping on the island Pag in the Adriatic sea. I wanted to do a lot of cycling in order to get my blood going and my knees back in the correct position, however since it is raining most of the time or the wind is just too heavy and too cold, not much cycling has taken place since my arrival here. But I do enjoy reading, writing, gazing at the horizon, watching a DVD a day, meditating a bit…
Reading an excellent Jack Kornfield’s book “After the Ecstasy, the Laundry” (I love the title), about what is life like after the spiritual ecstasy and awakening, brings out a lot of memories, all linked to the period of my life when I was spending years with a group of people in a semi-community, devoting all I was able to personal exploration and growth. And I realize that a deep part of me is grieving over that time and that community.
To me that community was the first true family, a group of people I felt completely safe with. We had so much in common and shared that eagerly. We were trying to reach the Truth, as we have called it, enlightenment, the meaning of life, liberation… In practical terms it meant countless days of meditating and sitting together, opening up to ourselves, to others, to life, letting out what had been hidden for so long; pain, fears, shame, anger, unmet needs, love…, and sharing it with tearful eyes and joyful laughter, and than mutually accepting it, with love and patience. An utterly new world was opening up in front of us and we were, like kids, exploring it together, cautiously, yet excitedly.
When I remember those days my heart warms up, however I also feel sad. Sad because it was such a wonderful time and the beauty of it did not survive in the real life. And I am grieving over beautiful people I have lost contact with, over that community sense, over standing with others with our souls stripped naked, crying together, breathing deeply.
And I guess this feeling of community of people sharing the innermost parts is something I am still after. Wherever I sense the single trace of a possibility of something like this I immediately respond, trying to re-create something like that. But it never truly works. The magic does not repeat. Perhaps I have changed in the meantime, perhaps the world has.
Bravo Robert!! Ker imam ta hip čas točno za en stavek, ti želim predvsem veliko uživanja v pisanju bloga in v komunikaciji, ki z njim nastaja!
Comment by sanja — January 3, 2008 @ 3:26 pm
Dear Robert,
I will try to respond in English even if it may be full of mistakes and without long forgotten words, it will at least be understandable. But I can only respond with question marks…
This need you describe, this longing for the community which does not exist any more, precisely THIS need is the one that is so desperately unfulfilled in my life as well. Well, not the need for the community in exactly the same sense as you once experienced and which I did not, but the need for a community where I live. A genuine community of people I can share my thoughts, feelings, worries etc. with. This makes me think of one scene, I managed to catch while traveling through Morocco a few months ago and that I can not forget. It was already dark when our bus rode through the streets of the city of Rabat. We saw a few people walking on the streets, men of course, or sitting in and in front of the bars. But the majority of people, hundreds of them also women and children, were sitting on the plains, in the park, on the benches along the streets. They were talking to each other, enjoying each others company, giving me a feeling of a real community… They radiated tranquility, serenity, peace and a sort of fulfillment – probably after a long working day. It is this so entirely simple scene, in the midst of a city, that touched me so. I thought: we would need something like that where I live, too. Those people went out simply to meet each other, some not to be alone, some just to relax a bit, some to meet a nice boy or a girl… (Of course it has to do with the lack of money as well, because if these people would have enough money they would probably go to a cafe, a cinema, pinball machines and spend it there. And the rest would just stay at home behind the four walls.) The more people I meet nowadays the more we are united in our belief that we need more contact to each other, that we would like so see each other more often, do things together, have more genuine talks together… because a lot of us feel lonesome in some way or the other. I do. If I only think of the life in a block of flats I live in, a lot of us live in. How many people from the neighbourhood do we know and communicate with, talk with, feel safe with? The same holds true for more rural parts of our country as well, I have come to realize. Why not slow down and simply meet on the benches in front of our apartments, houses, flats without any further obligations? Why is this, what I saw in Morocco, so impossible here in the midst of our rushing-towards-its-own-destruction society? Probably we know why (the neoliberalism has already put claws on our lives) and it may never turn for the better again, I think…
Comment by anita — January 4, 2008 @ 8:47 pm
Hi Robert and Anita,
I wanted to add a few things to this nice dialogue. A few months ago while studying for university, I came across an article talking about the dichotomy of individual and community. Like both of you, I feel this lack as well and no matter how hard I try to stimulate more contact between people around me, something still doesnt work. In this article, the author was talking about Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, (1. physiological, 2. safety, 3. Social, 4. Self-Esteem, 5. Self Actualization) and noted how our modern societies push for number 4 and 5 above number 3 (social needs including the need to belong)
Now, not everyone agrees with Maslow but I still think it is food for thought. Can one ever fully self-actualize, reach his/her full potential without having a deep sense of belonging? Have we skipped over something?
How many choices to each of us make every day that are based on nurturing the feeling of belonging? When did we forget how fundamental that is? And how to we find it again when everything appears to be so fragmented and we all seem to be such unique individuals.
This reminds me of a conversation I had one day with a Nigerian man living here in Germany. I asked him what he thought of living here and he said he finds people so sad. I asked him if it is different in Nigeria and he confirmed it was. So I asked, “what do Nigerians know that Europeans dont?” His answer was simple. He said the problem that he sees is that everyone is too busy looking at their own problems, which makes them sad. In Nigeria people occupy their time with worrying about solving other people’s problems. So, you do something nice for your neighbour, solve his problems and that makes you feel good. Your problems are still there but you dont dwell on the negativity that comes from that; instead you focus on helping others and you know that someone will be there to help you too. It is so simple and easy isnt it?
The cult of individualism seems to be at fault in more ways than one. How do we reconcile all of this? Where do we begin?
Comment by allison — January 5, 2008 @ 11:18 am
[...] Filed under: January 2008 — Robert Krzisnik @ 12:22 am Allison’s and Anita’s comments gave me some food for thought over last couple of days. At first I felt that they might have [...]
Pingback by Crybaby « In Search of Meaning — January 10, 2008 @ 12:22 am
Dear Robert, reading all of the above makes me feel so humble. Your selfsurgery is so intense and full of integrity. You point out so well, that it is not about the world, but how you perceive it, the micro world is the same as the macro one, and it is all within YOU and around you. But you as the I AM PRESENCE are able to make the difference. And that is just what you are doing. If we are able as individuals to be only LOVE, it will spread, no doubt about that (I still have the resentments, guild, insecurity and doubt, it’s a long way). I’m currently reading a book about the Maria Magdalena Code, which is talking about unconditional love and oneness. It has not been translated into English yet.
Comment by Astrid Wouterse — January 18, 2008 @ 6:20 pm
Dear Astrid, thanks a lot for this reply. Getting this kind of sincere support helps me a lot with this new beginning of mine (as a blogger) and I am almost gaining self-confidence.
And, of course, the presence, as you say, also seems to me as the key thing in our lives.
Come back again Astrid and be well.
Comment by Robert Krzisnik — January 24, 2008 @ 7:24 pm