Today I had a Skype chat, after a few months, with a very dear friend of mine from abroad. And of course there came the question: “How are you, Robert?” and I started stuttering out an answer, slowly realizing I was still having difficulties with answering this question.
The first dilemma I am having is about what are people actually asking me with this question. Do they really want to know how I am right now? My feelings, thoughts, dilemmas, fears, hopes – because this is all how I am and it would take quite some time to squeeze it out of me. Or do they just perform a greeting ritual with me: “How are you, Robert? Oh, I am fine, quite OK, yeah, and how are you? I am fine too, yeah…”
Now, in this case today I knew my friend was not into being polite but wanted to relate to me on the real, personal, alive level. She was interested in the real stuff. But I was still confused about what to say.
I mean, how I am in reference to what? To other people? I guess I am very well if I look around. And if I consider the global situation with millions of people suffering, than I can only say that I am truly great, excellent, marvellous! Or is it in regards to the extent to which my needs are being met, my expectations fulfilled and my meanings and visions incarnated?
Hm, this is a good question. Now we are talking.
However, there’s no easy and short answer to it. It is so many things, so abstract and philosophical, so complex and hard to define… It would take me ages. And I am pretty sure nobody really wants a three-hours answer to such a simple question. Yet, if I want to be honest, open and sincere, I can not answer in a few sentences.
But I do have a solution. I know which question I would like to be asked instead of: “How are you?” I would like people to ask me: “What is alive in you now, Robert?” Which is, I guess, another version of saying simply: “Who are you now, Robert?”
Now if you ask me this, I can answer in a couple of sentences and so both of us will be pleased: “I feel happy because I am meeting such beautiful people and connecting with them on a true level. It nurtures my need for being connected. And I feel peaceful, content and centred. Yet my need for a bit more meaning and passion in my life is not fully met. And last but not least, my need for giving and for participating is growing and growing within me. Bringing more meaning and content along.”
So, next time you ask me: “How are you, Robert?”, I will do my best to actually hear: “What is alive in you, Robert?” And respond from who I am.
And if I fail to do this you will know it right on the spot, because my answer will be: “Well, I guess I am OK, yeah, and how are you?”
Ahhh this happens a lot to me as well, it’s like “I am fine thanks” is over used and abused – I have now told all that know me, if I ask don’t just say fine, define fine because I really am interested… so often we feel that the other person, the one asking is just being polite and so we give the polite answer… Great post, thanks
Comment by SanityFound — April 23, 2008 @ 10:57 pm
Most of the time people are just being polite, by asking in the first place and then in turn with answering I am fine. How many people that ask you that question throughout the day, really want to know, or would even listening, if you actually stated telling them the truth. They wouldn’t even hear a word you said, and would probably respond with, “That’s nice”, and go about their own business, thinking how sorry they were for asking, whether what you answered was good or bad.
It all boils down to the friends/acquaintances, question, of which I have less than a handful of “friends”, and they are the only ones that I would begin to be honest with, as far as that question.
Comment by searchingwithin — April 24, 2008 @ 1:12 pm
Sf and SW, precisely, it is this inner dilemma and it opens up, at least for me, what do I want out of the interactions… I sometimes like to imagine living and interacting fully, no time wasted, no meaningless actions, no empty words… Scary, scary…
Comment by Robert — April 24, 2008 @ 6:52 pm
Hello!
I loved your post, and started to imagine how people might react if instead of asking them (I mean, everyone, not just you!) what was alive in them instead of asking how they are doing. They might be quite puzzled but it would be interesting to give it a try, just to see what it provokes! I guess it would take me quite some courage, but it goes in the direction I want life and relationships to be like.
I have actually been thinking about this topic quite regularly for the last months too, without managing to implement my “conclusion”, or my suggestion yet. In French, the “how do you do”, or “how are you” is actually, if literrally translated, “how are you going”, to which you respond “I’m going”. I’ve been willing to transgress the usual, polite, meaningless answer and respond with something like “forward” (for going forward), or step by step,or other things that really don’t work when translated. And yet I haven’t managed to do it any single time yet, the power of habit being too strong, or maybe out of the fear of what it would provoke, or whatever.
Just this week I read a quote that really stroke me: “If you fight against the system, you’re still feeding the system. The only way to change it is to ignore it and behave outside it, another way, ignoring it.” Your post goes in that direction, of not just saying we don’t like something, but starting to behave the way we want. Easier said than done, also often it’s “just” the trigger that’s difficult, the rest follows much more easily. We need the spark…
Comment by Anne-Claire C — April 26, 2008 @ 6:49 am
Hey Anne-Claire, thanks for this one. Yes, it is not easy, the automatism of our inner system is so well established and functioning… Yet, what else can we do but keep trying in the direction we believe matters. So I will try to remember as often as I can to hear what is behind the how-are-you phrase and respond to it. And I will try to ask about how people really are, to go underneath the surface. Because I believe the surface is not the thing they are trying to share.
Comment by Robert — May 3, 2008 @ 9:05 pm