Being 42 I am still struggling with climbing out of some deeply seeded roles I seem to be acting out in almost all my interactions and relationships – to a certain degree at least. One of the most stubborn ones is the role of being a nice guy.
I was, through my primary as well as my secondary socialization, literally trained into being a good boy and a nice guy, meaning having to bee obedient, good, respectful, never raise my voice, always be responsible, always meet expectations of other people… You know, making everybody happy. And while not being such a good student in schools I, much unfortunately, turned out to be an excellent one in this regards.
About twenty years or so ago I started to be aware of specific difficulties (like not being able to get angry with people, to confront others in conflicts, to express my needs and opinions when those were unpopular ones…) I had and begun to get the first idea about what was underneath. Yet several years needed to pass before I managed to realize the immense dimension and the depth of this sub-persona of mine. It was like a cage that has integrated into my own being completely and kept suppressing huge amounts of never felt, let alone expressed, emotions. Certainly felt like a mild version of the Incredible Hulk.
Nowadays I am still struggling with attempts to grow out of this cage. It is not nearly as present and strong as it used to be, however it still tries to impress others, control their interpretations of myself and gets rather irritated when other people, seemingly just out of the blue, choose to not like me. So I need to be pretty conscious and aware to succeed in allowing myself to NOT be nice all the time and, to manage to express not so nice things, to let others see me the way they want to and to let people not like me if this is how they want to proceed.
But there’s one part of this story that is particularly puzzling my mind. What would my life be like if I wasn’t that much burdened with the role of a nice guy in my past? Would I still choose to be a psychotherapist, trying to nicely help others and save everybody? Would I still turn out to be a coach, trainer, mediator, trying to make everyone happy and ease life of each person around me? Or would I just mind my own business and my own life and my own happiness? In other words; to what extend is my need to help other people coming from the true and genuine parts of my being and to what extend it is just a product and a strategy of the neurotic nice guy within me?
I guess I will never know. But it would be fun to be able to check out various possibilities and see what comes out, like in The Butterfly Effect movie.
“What would my life be like if I wasn’t that much burdened with the role of a nice guy in my past?”
I am REALLY not trying to rain on your parade but I don’t know why you think that what you described is being a ‘nice guy’. To me, it sounds like you described a pushover, and there are PLENTY of women pushovers.
It kind of sounds like you yearn to be a little more in touch with your masculine energy. How many men do you regularly associate with?? If you spend most of your time around women you will naturally try to ‘fit in’. You should find some enlightened men who will challenge your spirit.
(It could also be fun!
Comment by persistentillusion — May 14, 2008 @ 2:49 pm
Hey Hayden, thanks for your thoughts. I do not particularly resonate with what you are suggesting; I wouldn’t say being a pushover was ever (except before puberty) really present in my life and also I can not detect any lack of masculine energy (nor can I remember of having been given such a feedback from people I know) or lack of male company in my life.
I believe my description in the above post is pretty accurate. And, as I said, it is not a big deal nowadays (but it used to be like 15 years ago!). But the dilemma about what if… (the last paragraph) still puzzles me to a certain extent.
Comment by Robert — May 14, 2008 @ 4:49 pm
Dear Robert,
Once again you capture so well what goes inside me, it’s amazing. The only difference is that I am 15 year younger and am pretty much currently at the stage of what you wonder what your career would have been if you had not been that much the nice guy. I have been so much the nice girl as well and realised it was hindering much in me, and I am currently questionning what next step I want to take in my career. I’ve been in training and personal development for 5 years and realise this “I want to help other people feel good” is quite linked with my wanting to be liked and everyone to be happy. And so far I don’t manage to go to completely different paths. Is this because of the fear of change, or because I’m still in my cage, or because it’s a genuine will? This I don’t know. I’m continuing my exploration and will see.
Oh, and one more thing: I’ve found out that the times when I realised to say what I truly thought also I thought people would not like me after, it turned out that people liked me even more…also sometimes not immediately.
Thanks for sharing your feelings and questionning, once more it’s good to not feel alone
Anne-Claire C
Comment by Anne-Claire C — May 16, 2008 @ 2:21 pm
Hey ACC, it was so great to read your comment - like reading my own thoughts and feelings. Except the part about you being 15 years younger…. Nah, I don’t think there’s such a difference, I mean, how can I possibly be so old, no, no, do some more maths…
And the point about expressing something you thought would make other people to see you less as a nice girl. Only to realize afterwards that they actually loved you MORE with your honesty, sincerity… So true also in my case. Marjeta helped me so much in regards to this. And I still have to struggle to choose, day by day, to express the truth rather than what I think other people would prefer to hear.
Hey, see you in a couple of days, right?
Robert
Comment by Robert — May 18, 2008 @ 8:35 pm
42 - 27 = 15
Amazing, isn’t it?
Comment by Anne-Claire C — May 19, 2008 @ 11:45 am
Now let me give you a crash intercultural course: there’s a principle called “face saving”, you see, where you need to do your best to save the dignity of other people. Applies in collectivist countries. So the correct reply to my objection to your calculation would be: “Yes, of course, I have made a mistake in my calculations, I humbly apologize, you are definitely not old, not at all…”
Comment by Robert — May 19, 2008 @ 7:37 pm