Marjeta and I have no kids together, as I have described in my personal history; I have a daughter of 13 and son of almost 17 from my first marriage and Marjeta has a son of 15 from her previous relationship. Kids live most of the time with us and so we function as a combined family.
We have been living like that for about seven years and I just recently begun letting go of the romantic idea about how family-ties can be artificially created just by wilfully trying to do so. I have had the image that it was perfectly possible to perceive and love all the kids in an equal way, never mind the fact they that some were biologically and historically not as “mine” as the other.
But it proved to be difficult from the very beginning on: the feeling of touching, talking and in any way interacting with my kids was just so different than when interacting with her child. It was hard to describe the difference and nothing bad or wrong was really going on, yet there it was, a difference that everybody felt.
It is funny that the first crack in this romantic idea of mine actually happened on the Wagha border between India and Pakistan on our overland journey to India. A custom officer, after realizing kids had different surnames, asked me about the reason for that and upon my answer that one was not biologically mine but somehow adopted, looked me straight into my eyes and asked:
Do you love him in the same way as you love your own children?
I answered that I was trying to do so and he started to laugh:
Not possible in this world, my friend, not possible in this world.
And he laughed and laughed.
I have felt as if everybody but me knew this was impossible, everybody in every remote place on the planet. With me still trying to make my own fairy tale true.
We both are still trying really hard to keep opening up and accepting and treating all three kids alike, but some subtle differences are always there, just as firm as they were 8 years ago. I automatically tend to jump and protect my kids and Marjeta protects her son. I feel she is being unjust towards my kids and she feels I am being unjust to her son. I get more quickly irritated and have less understanding for her son and the same happens on Marjeta’s side. And we both are trying really hard.
I wouldn’t say kids suffer because of that; we keep talking things over on a regular basis and they get along with each other fine and have no real conflicts with us. And they are teenagers, walking slowly into their own individual lives, being less and less connected and dependent on us.
So life is easy in this regards, but I still feel rather frustrated with the failure I am facing. And I still wonder why on earth is it seemingly impossible to get over those invisible barriers: are they psychical, emotional, rational, cultural…?
“it was perfectly possible to perceive and love all the kids in an equal way, never mind the fact they that some were biologically and historically not as “mine” as the other”
My situation was a smidge different (foster home) but YES, as amazing and loving as my ff was – there was a definite difference.
Comment by persistentillusion — June 1, 2008 @ 5:08 am
Yes, as well as this must be painful to kids, it is also frustrating for parents, at least in our case. You do all that you can, yet the difference remains.
Comment by Robert — June 1, 2008 @ 8:20 am
I think it’s normal that there are differences between the quality of emotions that you feel about your 2 kids and your partner’s son. It’s normal. You can’t force yourself to love him in the same way, it’s not possible and it’s also not right on some level.
You’ve been with your children all their lives, the bond was created at their birth, they were growing up in front of your eyes, you were there when they were happy, when they were sick, you have lots of memories and emotions connected to them in your body, and your partner’s child is a stranger to you, you’ve accepted him with open arms and with love, and from now on you’re creating a bond with him, building a relationship, slowly day by day, but by no means you can expect to feel the same to all the children, it’s not possible and also not right, you don’t have the same history with him.
Comment by Aja — June 1, 2008 @ 7:03 pm
Yes, I guess you are right, absolutely right. It is just sometimes so difficult to firstly recognize romantic and unrealistic ideas and to let go off them.
Comment by Robert — June 1, 2008 @ 9:14 pm