Is life really all that beautiful?

Sometimes I get rather irritated with numerous vehement statements pouring out of blogs, web-pages, new-age books, about how incredibly beautiful life is, magical, great… All we ever need to do is to open up to the beauty of it, do something with our mindset, not much really, and the rainbows will rise, the angels will sing, money will start pouring and there will be no end to our happiness. Yes, life is really easy and beautiful, isn’t it?

But, are we talking about life in general or our lives, lives of the privileged ones, who were lucky enough to be born on the right side of this planet? And so we can, with our stomachs full of all the grand organic food, in our cosy little rooms, talk about the beauty of life and perhaps comment a bit about the injustice over there, on the other side of the world. And deny and suppress these images and thoughts, when they become to uncomfortable.

So, is life really all that beautiful in general, for everybody? Because if it is so, than we can just simply go down to Ethiopia and other places and tell them they need not worry, they just need to believe their inner power and open up to the beauty and things like that. Because it is really so easy and simple, isn’t it?

I once read somewhere that Buddha said: “No matter how enlightened you are, as long as there are people suffering, you still have plenty of work to do.”

The older I get, the more I understand that.

The Evolution of Teenagers

Yes, I know, it has been a long time since my last research, but the ones on the individualistic oranges and the secret of the secret of Cretan men sucked out a lot of my life energy and I needed to recover. So now I am presenting you the newest breakthrough theory, this time on the direction of the evolution of teenagers. But, before going into presenting empirical evidence, let mi firstly give you some theoretical background.

We all know that teenagers need to get their identity together and in order to do that they need to become different. The most important for them seems to be that they become different from their own parents (they may come back after a decade, but that’s another story). Anyway, this means that my kids will inevitably try to differ from me and so the odds for them being similar to me are pretty low. On the other hand, pay attention now, kids of other parents are also trying to be different from their own parents, right? So, by trying to differ from their parents they, unavoidably, become similar to somebody else out there. Now, mathematically speaking, while my kids are moving away from me, many not-mine kids are coming closer to me. And statistically speaking this means that it is much more possible for the other kids to become similar to me than for my own. So the theory is, of course: the less genetic material we share, the more similar to me they are likely to become.

Ok, let’s go to the empirical evidence now. Here is one photo of my little unimportant me, age 17.

And here are the photos of “my” three teenagers.

Number 1

Number 2

Number 3

Which one of the three subjects would you say is biologically mine?

Well, wrong answer. Number 2 is the only one of the three with whom I share 0,0 of the genetic material. Numbers 1 and 3 are biologically mine. Now, how come Number 2 is so similar to me, I hear you asking. Well, re-read the above presented theory and be enlightened.

By the way, my theories are not copyrighted. They are an altruistic gift to the mankind.

Proud of differences

Observing my kids developing similar traits and habits to mine is rather difficult for me, as I was mentioning earlier. When I see that I feel that I am somewhat invading their space, limiting the scope of possibilities in their lives. I feel that I am being too big and too important, as I do not want to lead them really, but to support and encourage on their own paths. Therefore observing similarities between me and them often leaves me with some worries.

On the other hand, what makes me feel really good, and even proud, is to notice the differences between them now and the way I was at their age. For example, the oldest one is much different in many ways:

• in his age I used to be shy, uncertain and very passive in entering relationships. He is proactive and with high level of self-esteem. It is so good to see this.
• I used to blame my parents for everything, passively expecting them to take responsibility for my problems and solve them, especially financial ones. He is far from that; never begs for money, just wants to clear things out and proactively seeks for the ways to make money himself. It looks like he just does not find it interesting to play the role of the victim of destiny (and his father) – the one I loved to play when in his age. And, as embarrassing as it is to admit this, also still for a couple of decades after my teenage years. And it is such a relief to see he is just not into that.
• I used to be so passive in my life, just sort of wondering around in my dreams and fantasies, waiting for the world to come to me and start performing. He is far above that, an action boy, researching the world, working on his own priorities, finding out what he is passionate about and following this passion, developing it… This gives me a lot of inner peace.

So, yes, indeed I am much happier about the differences I observe than about the similarities. Now, of course, there are many things I am not all that proud of, but let’s focus on the positive side

I definitely feel the evolution is taking place here . And I dare to think that this perhaps means I have given him/them better support than the one I got in my youth was.

No world out there

I find it very natural to just sit and observe people, at airports, in restaurants, cafes. Yet the other day I realized that I do not know what do I observe really: other people or myself. Let me explain.

When I am centred, at peace with myself and my life, all I see is beautiful, wonderful people, carrying wounds and pain in their hearts, being soft and fragile within, full of love… I see their sincere attempts to do good, to be fulfilled, to make sense of their lives. My heart melts in warmth, my eyes get filled with tears and I am all empathy.

On the other hand, when I am feeling nervous, under pressure, frustrated, in inner conflicts and stress, I do not see that scene at all. All I can see than is egotistic, pushy, aggressive, ugly and terrible people, being nasty to each other, torturing their children and spouses. And my mind goes cynical. No empathy. Nothing.

It is obvious that my perception is utterly shaped by the state of my emotional being.

So what am I seeing really?

Nothing out there.

All I can ever see are merely my projections, my own emotional colouring, my subconscious patterns, cultural discourse, mental patterns and expectations… I do never communicate and interact and live with such and such people, with individuals and their objective attributes. No, I live among people that I am creating inside my head, shaping them this way or that way, arbitrarily.

That’s why my wife is sometimes divine Goddess, and sometimes…, well, something rather different. It is me who keeps changing her, inside my head, not her. In other words, if I want to see you ugly, there’s nothing you can do about it. And in case I choose to see you beautiful, you are trapped again… The same applies for everything; I am the creator of the world I live in and I keep re-creating it moment by moment.

So, you and me, we do not live in the same world. Pretty scary, isn’t it?

The secret of remote monasteries

20 years ago when coming home from intensive heavy-duty meditation retreats, I felt personally fulfilled, but physically broken – exhausted, tired, a few kg lost… And it is at least interesting, if not utterly sad, how my lifestyle – and consequentially my experiencing such retreats – has changed over these years.

A Zen seshin is now a complete bliss for me; not only in spiritual/psychological aspect, but in physical terms as well. It is actually a rest, a vacation. I don’t have to think, to organize, to plan anything, to take care of anything. Just being present in the moment suffices. On the emotional level I am suddenly not responsible for anything, nobody expects anything from me, I don’t have to save anybody’s life problems, no dilemmas around, nobody actually notices me at all and I can rest as an invisible shadow.

And on the physical level: hey man, this is heaven. I get to sleep much more than at home, I eat regular meals, I even manage to exercise. And my body is so grateful for the treatment so that even my knees don’t hurt at all after hours upon hours of zazen. It is incredible.

Now I understand why people leave their families and disappear in far away monasteries. To rest and enjoy life. That’s why they have built monasteries in all those out-of-reach mountains – so that their wives could not find them and drag them back.

Anyway, just sitting for days in a maximally stable and centred posture, with mindful and peaceful breathing, being gently present in the moment, here and now, feels like finally living, finally existing, being truly alive, awake and present in this existence.

But than again explaining it to other people is a hard task. I cannot get across that the beginning and the end, the reasons and the goals, the questions and the answers, it all melts into one point, one moment. The moment, that is both full of presence and empty of any content.

After listening for some time, my dear Marjeta ended with a soft: “Well, I still find this rather weird…” And I sense a slight trace of worry in her eyes: “Is he already going downhill?”

The body is weak. And the mind is even weaker.

My body has been degenerating rapidly for the last couple of years. Not enough rest, not enough exercise, too much junk food.

I like to play with the idea that I just HAVE to work all the time and so, what can I do, poor me, sacrificing my own body to provide for others. Than after a deep breath I come to my senses and realize that it is all within my power of choice; to re-arrange my schedule, re-focus my life, take care of my needs…

And than I make the fatal decision, a statement that always begins with the word TOMORROW… Well, you know the rest of the story, don’t you?

Now, the ultimate blow for my dear ego is when I realize that I would actually be able to carry out most of my plans about how to put my body back in a healthy shape, if I had somebody bossing me into it. A trainer. A coach. A boss. A sergeant. A merciless master.

And I can witness this principle twice a week, when I go for my swimming training with my sadistic coach: this guy always manages to squeeze about six times as much out of me as I am able to do when swimming on my own. I always plan to kill him during the training hour but than feel very grateful and all of that when the thing is over.

So perhaps it is not that my body has been degenerating, but rather my mind. Hm, please do not tell anybody that I am a psychologist, a coach and all of that.

I am leaving now for another Zen seshin. Yet another chance to work on my relationship with my mind. Hm.

OK, OK, I admit, this is not me. But but but, I swim ALMOST like him, really, believe me…

Unlearning violence

Today I have worked with that group of school-kids again and reached another revealing and sad realization. Until today I have lived in an illusion that I was helping them to learn how to resolve conflicts in their life. I sincerely believed that was what I was doing. And today I have realized I was light-years from even beginning with this task. Because they have already learned how to resolve conflicts in their life.

They have been trained, with all means, and literally conditioned into resolving conflicts in a violent way. Through their parents and most of the adults in their life they have learned that the strongest prevail and that to use your power over the weaker is the way to proceed in life. This is what their parents and teachers and adults have showing them all along. Through stories, movies, tv-shows, computer games and modern myths they have learned that the most powerful one wins, they have learned that violence brings satisfaction to the winner and that winning over others fundamentally resolves conflicts. Life is a competition, life is a war and so you must fight! They have already learned that and they know this is the case. So the learning process is, as far as they are concerned, successfully accomplished.

The natural cause of events would mean that after a couple of decades they would, after hitting the wall a couple of times really hard, realize that it may be a good idea to try to interact with their spouses, kids, friends, relatives in a more nonviolent manner because things only work when the needs of everybody involved get met. And after yet another couple of decades they would start to think that it may not be such a bad idea after all to try to interact non-violently with EVERYBODY. And by the time they finally learn how to do that, most people die.

So when I want to present a less violent and more emphatic approach to communication and conflict to them, I must be sounding like trying to sell them some childish fairly tales and cheap science fiction.

It seems to me that what I am actually trying to accomplish with them is to invite them to open up to the possibility that the fairy tale is actually true. I am telling them: “Yes, yes, it is very possible and easy to walk through walls. Please, try it now…” I am trying to have them unlearn their violent strategies they have been learning the through all of their lives. How can I ever accomplish that with a one hour session every fortnight when they have been receiving further training in violent approaches through all the channels all the time in between? Oh boy, oh boy.

While listening to my whining tonight for a good hour, my beautiful NVC friend and mentor uttered the most meaningful words for me today: “Robert, just observing you, an adult, spending hours after hours with them and coping with all the chaos in the classroom in a strictly nonviolent manner, is a very strong and important learning experience for them.”

I so much hope this was true.