I am feeling rather shaken, frustrated and sad right now. I have been working with a class of 13 years old kids in one primary school and I am in a state of shock because of the level of violence I am facing there.
It is not physical, but rather rational and emotional, so to say. It is at the level of kids wanting to hurt one another because they simply want to hurt one another. They want to cause pain in others and when they see the pain and the hurt in the eyes of their school mates, they feel victorious and they laugh. And they feel this is really all right, they like to have power over others, and they want to build up their strength, physical as well as social, in order to achieve that. They simply do not want to look for the nonviolent strategies of conflict resolution because they are completely happy with the violent ones. They like them.
I know, I know, I know that there are completely opposite feelings and needs underneath this violence, I am aware of that fully. But, oh boy is it difficult to see this connection when on the scene. And find empathy within me. I am used to work with people who are being violent but, if not immediately than at least some time after, feel sorry for that. Or at least feel they do not want to be violent but are “being forced to” by other people. Or fail to find other strategies, though they are searching for them. But in this case these kids keep stating that they actually like violent strategies and feel no need to move anywhere from this point.
I do not want to become violent myself, using my power of an adult over them to “make” them less violent and more respectful and all of that, because that would of course lead nowhere. And so I am persisting, trying to melt down the violence and connect with them on the deeper and more true level. Honestly believing it can be done.
However, my system is really in a state of shock and suffering in these situations. I just cannot tolerate violence. Was never able to. I was never able to punch a person in the face because I did not want to hurt them, even when I was a kid. I do get nervous when people are violent towards me, but I get extremely bewildered when I see people violently hurting each other. All of my beingness has been rejecting the world of violence for as long as I remember being alive. I cannot live with it. I do not want to live with it.
Seeing it all around breaks my heart, it really does.
That’s always been one of my favorite songs/music video.
… I admire your strength as I’m not sure I would be able to work within an environment as you describe and not break down every other day at the frustration and sadness.
Comment by Phyxius — June 2, 2008 @ 8:33 pm
I absolutely love that song. (And the movie.)
I can only speak for myself, but when I was kid I could be EXTREMELY violent and exceptionally manipulative. A lot of it came from feeling powerless over the violence in my life. It truly, in my case, was a cycle of violence.
Not that I am trying to make excuses for children – or saying that it can’t be undisciplined parenting or something – but I don’t think that most children organically have that kind of rage or need to manipulate and dominate others.
Comment by persistentillusion — June 2, 2008 @ 8:34 pm
Phyxious, thanks, I feel understood, it is exactly what you are saying, frustration and sadness…
Comment by Robert — June 2, 2008 @ 8:42 pm
Yes Hayden I completely agree with you, I KNOW they are not genuinely being violent and that it is merely, as Rosenberg says, tragically distorted expression of their own unmet needs. I do not blame them. I just suffer experiencing it.
Comment by Robert — June 2, 2008 @ 8:44 pm
I went through the same kind of shock when I Was an instructional aide at a juvenile detention center school (I witnessed kids being beat up, intimidated, etc. Gangs had a major presence in the school and there were many violent incidents). Do you know of any instructional tools to help with this situation? I would check out this blog post, for starters: http://www.teachersatrisk.com/2008/05/19/strategies-for-dealing-with-kids-who-get-physcially-aggressive-with-teachers-part-1-establishing-the-classroom-climate/
Another strategy that I’ve learned is that after an incident, I should speak with the students individually and as a group. There is a cooling off period first – I have students draw pictures of the incident and how they feel. Then, I give them the tools (sometimes a prompted dialogue) to help them talk to the other people involved.
Comment by educatorblog — June 3, 2008 @ 1:51 am
I had a look at the blog post and it indeed provides useful strategies, thanks… And I will perhaps need to use more of the individual approach as well, just the way you are suggesting here.
The basic of my approach is the NVC. I cannot imagine it could be any other way. But, certainly, there are so many specific ways of doing it and I am grateful for any useful strategy, just like the ones you are sharing.
In my case it is not the physical violence (if it was I would probably use the protective use of force to prevent more pain being caused), but just the presence of the motivation to hurt people is tearing me apart sometimes.
Thanks for you visit, very helpful.
Comment by Robert — June 3, 2008 @ 8:12 am
Hi Robert,
I’m guessing from your post that you are very sad and hurt and are needing some comfort and perhaps hope that humans are truly good people deep down?
I found your blog because you once wrote a note on one of mine that mentioned NVC. You may be interested in these websites. They’re very new, but foster the growth of NVC: http://nvcnet.ning.com/ Here’s also a great place to give and receive empathy: http://empathynow.ning.com/
You might like to consider giving yourself a lot of empathy before you even try to empathise with the youth. It sounds like you need it.
Good luck.
Comment by BlueTulip — June 3, 2008 @ 1:53 pm
Dear Robert,
I happened to deliver two sessions recently for two classes of teens who had been expelled from all the other schools they had been to because of their violent behaviours, and this school was making a point to give a chance to the ones nobody wants anymore. However they had no specific staff or help or anything to help with it, and called on us for the first time to try and do something.
I did those two sessions, and came out of them feeling just exactly the way you describe, feeling so hopeless and desperate. I know there is some good deep inside them and believe violence is just the only strategy they know, but it was so painful to see how hurt they were and how willingly hurting to each other some of them were. I know we can’t do miracles in one day and that only a long and regular work might help open them to something else, but I felt so hurt that I had the reflex to want to hide away from it. The words you put on what you experienced revived what I experienced then and forced me to think back on this experience I had tried to put aside. Although I don’t like having to face this reality, I want to thank you for making me not just look at what I like and find easy.
Comment by Anne-Claire C — June 3, 2008 @ 5:30 pm
Hi BlueTulip, no, I do not need comfort really nor hope that humans are truly good; as I wrote I know they are, it is just difficult to see that in the midst of certain situations.
Interesting sites you are suggesting.
Thanks for stopping by.
Comment by Robert — June 3, 2008 @ 5:42 pm
Dear Anne-Claire, once again we seem to be sharing a similar experience of the world; isn’t this interesting? Yes, as you say, it seems important to realize we cannot do miracles in one day and I am still trying to learn about that point.
And, like you say, the urge to sweep it under the carpet, suppress it all…, is a very strong and tempting one. Yes, let’s continue being open, facing feeling like that.
Thanks for your honesty.
Comment by Robert — June 3, 2008 @ 5:47 pm
all we can do for that case is to pray… pray that the kids will outgrow that kind of violence.
i admit as a kid i was like that also BUT only when i am being threatened or provoked.
Comment by ifoundme — June 5, 2008 @ 2:56 am
Hi Ifoundme, I believe there’s more we can and also ought to do but to pray.
Comment by Robert — June 5, 2008 @ 7:57 am