Observing my kids developing similar traits and habits to mine is rather difficult for me, as I was mentioning earlier. When I see that I feel that I am somewhat invading their space, limiting the scope of possibilities in their lives. I feel that I am being too big and too important, as I do not want to lead them really, but to support and encourage on their own paths. Therefore observing similarities between me and them often leaves me with some worries.
On the other hand, what makes me feel really good, and even proud, is to notice the differences between them now and the way I was at their age. For example, the oldest one is much different in many ways:
- in his age I used to be shy, uncertain and very passive in entering relationships. He is proactive and with high level of self-esteem. It is so good to see this.
- I used to blame my parents for everything, passively expecting them to take responsibility for my problems and solve them, especially financial ones. He is far from that; never begs for money, just wants to clear things out and proactively seeks for the ways to make money himself. It looks like he just does not find it interesting to play the role of the victim of destiny (and his father) – the one I loved to play when in his age. And, as embarrassing as it is to admit this, also still for a couple of decades after my teenage years. And it is such a relief to see he is just not into that.
- I used to be so passive in my life, just sort of wondering around in my dreams and fantasies, waiting for the world to come to me and start performing. He is far above that, an action boy, researching the world, working on his own priorities, finding out what he is passionate about and following this passion, developing it… This gives me a lot of inner peace.
So, yes, indeed I am much happier about the differences I observe than about the similarities. Now, of course, there are many things I am not all that proud of, but let’s focus on the positive side 
I definitely feel the evolution is taking place here 
. And I dare to think that this perhaps means I have given him/them better support than the one I got in my youth was.
I don’t have any children but I don’t find it hard to understand the desire to constantly try and mould them.
A pat on the back to you recognising that children aren’t just clones of their parents but individuals in their own right.
I find myself watching children like one might watch a TV program about animal behaviour. It’s fascinating to see them progress from being merely self absorbed little animals into articulate thinking human beings.
Comment by razzbuffnik — June 22, 2008 @ 11:49 pm
It is a powerful and humbling realization when you start to recognize your kids as being people, and not just little extentions of yourself. I did a discussion about this at Parental Power about six weeks ago – check it out at this link, and let me know what you think.
http://parentalpower.wordpress.com/2008/05/06/honoring-children-as-people/
Comment by Dr. Paul — June 23, 2008 @ 7:57 am
I think it’s wonderful! You obviously passed on what you learned, or created a space which he could fully be himself. Lucky kid!
Comment by Hayden Tompkins — June 23, 2008 @ 8:13 am
Razz, Paul and Hayden, thanks for your supportive and acknowledging words, it is always so comforting to hear that.
Comment by Robert — June 25, 2008 @ 12:36 am
What an honest and warm post, both about your son and yourself. It sounds like you have given him some really good gifts. Even if they were innately in him…it sounds like you did not discourage him, put him down or hold him back. But instead you encouraged him to be fully himself. That’s very inspiring to hear. I think when I was young I was more how you describe yourself. I was lost in my fantasies and dreams for a few years…eventually got my feet on the ground. But I am very impressed with some of the young people who are heading out into the world in the new generation. I think many of the are very proactive and will a positive force in the world, which of course we badly need! It comes across that you love your kids very much.
Comment by RainforestRobin — June 26, 2008 @ 4:40 pm
Robin, as weird as this may sound, but all the acknowledgement I am getting about my fatherhood from the readers or also elsewhere, truly do have a beautiful effect. Slowly my focus is shifting from noticing only the mistakes towards seeing also the good things I have done in this regards. So, I am truly grateful, never thought this would be an side effect of bloging… ;-9
Comment by Robert — June 27, 2008 @ 1:23 am