I did not come here to feel safe

Summer is the time for me to go around and learn, gain inspiration and make steps. This one was, again, fruitful, with the two main events being the NVC training in Germany in July and the Warrior of the Heart training in Belgium in August. And I guess it will take me months to really digest it all.

One of the strongest realizations for me from the Warrior of the Heart training came while we were practising with our swords and under guidance of our sensei Bob Wing. We were not only practising delivering a perfect cut with the sword, with full presence and centre, but also receiving a cut, a strike. It was about actively engaging rather than passively receiving. Actively meeting rather than hiding away in fear. Never be a victim but rather, with full presence, meet, engage, accept and co-create. Never be a victim of circumstances, of life. Which does not mean you want to win anybody over, of course.

Through the practice I have felt that something important was there to understand about my life, but it did not dawn on me until Bob shared a short story with us about an incident at one of his previous workshops. They were sitting and sharing in a circle and a conflict happened between a few of participants. Many harsh words were being said and finally a couple of participants said they did not feel safe enough in that environment and stated they were going to walk away from the workshop. At the moment of a heavy silence that occurred, a man stood up and said: “I do not know about you, but I know about me that I did not come here to feel safe! I came here to engage and to learn through experiences, be it nice or not so nice.”

At the moment of hearing this story, the realization hit me so strongly that I had to gasp for air.

Yes, I also did not come here, to this life, to this existence of mine, in order to all the time seek shelter, to hide and to try to be safe, to feel safe. By no means! It would be a complete waste of my life. No way!

I am here to have a full intercourse with life, with the existence, and not to masturbate somewhere alone in a safe closet. I am here to experience it all, with all its aspects, all successes and failures, all ups and downs, all the good things and the bad things, all acceptances and rejections. I am here to experience it all fully, steadily, readily, actively. With full presence. This is what means being fully alive and this is what brings the meaning to it.

To hell with this search for safety; I know this would not be something to be proud of at the last hours of my life. But the fullness of my existence, the full life, yes, this is something that I feel will give me peace in my heart.

I am not sure whether I remember every word of the poem correctly, but this is what I can recollect and what inspires me tremendously.

I am proud of my scars,

because they show I have lived.

I am proud of my wounds,

because they prove I am still alive.

I am proud of the spaces between,

because they mean I still have a reason to live.