Sometimes I am so tired of myself, really tired of certain themes that have been around since the beginning of my time. Just today, bicycling across the windy Mediterranean island with my wife, I realized (again) that all my talking, all my communication is actually a method of my self-promotion. Every word, every gesture, every single bit of my reaching out into the world is actually my ego trying to impress people, trying to sell them a certain image about myself. Why do I want to share anything, why do I try to be funny, entertaining, smart, why do I ever choose to utter a single word? Why do I write this blog?
It is always in order to sell an image about myself, a certain story of a certain Robert, to make you people buy something I want you to buy. It is an endless self-promotion and there does not seem to be any sort of a way out of it. This is sad, so sad. The reason behind this is simple, of course. It is my need to be accepted, my need to be loved.
But, man, am I tired of that. I do not want to be in this sort of interaction anymore in my existence, yet whenever I open my mouth, it is my personal commercials that come out. I can try to purify myself and my mind, but I am existentially locked in my perception and my mind, so this is going to be with me as long as there actually is me. The only way of connecting with people without self-promotion seems to be simply asking and listening to them with my heart. No talking.
But sometimes I am tired also of asking and listening. So… To remain silent until the end seems rather appealing.
You see, my vision, the one I have been carrying with me for about twenty years now, since my first encounters with the deeper nature of myself and the life, is to strip naked, to throw all the ballast away and to enter this life and this existence fully, directly, without any filters, with no impression management whatsoever, with no games and bullshit. Just pure existence, co-existence.
With years, though, the reality is slowly dawning on me that this is not fully possible in this world. My ego will always be around and every single quark of my being will try to impress people. I guess this is what is called human life. And I guess this is what is called human need for acceptance and love.
And perhaps there’s nothing wrong with it.
Hi there…
Well said..appreciate your introspection.
I’m very new to blogging, 3 blogs old
, just got into wordpress.
I just have a word to add here which actually happened with me.
The fact that blogging made my time more productive as in i’m thinking something different, relating to other aspects of life…different to what i’m been doing all this while.
And penning things down, you’d like to beautify it, self promotion is being little on yourself.
I mean, let say, for a change, if you are cooking for the first time for your wife, you’d love to serve it in the best possible way, is that self promotion?
I guess you’re doing a wonderful thing by being expressive and presentable.
Its also fine if somebody comes in and appreciates your work…
Thanks
Comment by encyclopaedia3017 — September 27, 2008 @ 6:26 pm
My father-in-law (Chris’s stepfather) is seriously old. He used to be a very physical person – every picture I have seen of him in his youth is one where he managed to get his shirt off – who now is no longer quite able to paint or do yardwork or work around the house.
Recently retired, he had been going more than a little stir crazy. And then he discovered blogging.
He had cards with the address to his blog drawn up and he gives them out to anyone who will stand still for longer than a second. He enthusiastically talks about the stories he writes to every waitress or gas station attendant. He is boyishly earnest and naively unaware of the fact that his blog is almost unreadable.
On more than one occassion Chris’s mom has called that blog a life saver.
Sure, you could look at it from an ego-perspective and say that he is promoting himself. But I personally think it is incredible that he has found a way to maintain interest in his life; blogging literally gives him a reason to wake up in the morning.
I think humans are sort of built to share their stories and part of the reason becoming elderly is so painful is that no one cares about your stories anymore. Anyway, he COULD be envious of my blog (it just hit a mini-milestone) yet he is completely supportive of it. He reads every article I write. (And I write daily.) He emailed “The Woman’s Relationship Bible” to everyone in his email address book. When we meet, you should see the absolte joy on his face if I reference a story he has written.
Anyway, I didn’t mean to be all “you’re wrong”, I just think that we shouldn’t count out the human connection of it.
Comment by Hayden Tompkins — September 27, 2008 @ 10:08 pm
Robert, its called needing to be heard and understood by other like minded people. To feel the connection to other souls so that you know you are not alone. That is what it is truly all about.
Comment by Amber — September 28, 2008 @ 5:29 am
Robert … are you concerned and want to trust that those around you can see the ‘real you’ behind the ‘image’ words? Or maybe disappointed and would like your communication to convey something deeper than ‘self promotion’?
I can’t imagine having a meaningful, mutually enjoyable connection with someone who only asks and listens
Revealing something (a lot) of myself seems to me to be part of the ‘deal’ of communication. So please, please keep on writing what’s alive for you! Hugs, Ian
Comment by ianpeatey — September 28, 2008 @ 8:05 am
Encyclopaedia3017 – welcome. As for cooking; yes, I believe this is a self-promotion thing. But I do not think it is necessarily a bad thing to do.
Hayden – I do not think this is about being right or being wrong. I do understand that your father-in-law gets a lot of meaning, appreciation, enthusiasm… And I think this is great, beautiful. I did not try to generalize anything, but just to share my own feelings, my own frustration with realizing that there is no such a thing as a “pure” communication. From my side.
But, thanks for sharing the story about Chris’s stepfather – it is a nice and inspiring one.
Amber – yep, I guess so.
Ian – It is more in the direction of your second question, not the first one. As I said to Hayden, it is a frustration of not being able to just be and to communicate in an ego-less-mind-free way. And, sure I will continue to write what’s alive in me, but sometimes the most alive things in me are also dark thoughts, critical and sceptical ideas, cynical remarks…
Thanks for your appreciation, it makes me feel warm inside.
Comment by Robert — September 28, 2008 @ 4:46 pm
I think you hit the nail on the head with your last line, there is indeed nothing wrong with it, I too felt the same as you then came to the same realisation. Kind of an eye opener. For the record I am blessed to know you exist and to have you in my “life”
Comment by SanityFound — September 28, 2008 @ 5:10 pm
Sanity… Here goes yet another biiiig hug to you….
Comment by Robert — September 28, 2008 @ 11:54 pm
Oh sure.. I see how it is.. ISF gets all of the hugs… I get it.. I smell or something. OK, my feelings aren’t hurt or anything. Nope, no, no way! Don’t worry about me none. Ill just go off into cyberspace and cry into my hankie, wishing I got a hug too…..
Comment by Amber — September 29, 2008 @ 2:53 am
I think we all do this — most of us are not as aware of it, though. In writing and speaking, we create a story about who we are, or what we would like others to think of us. Maybe people expect this. Do they want to hear about the “bad” stuff (do I want to hear about the bad stuff?) Well, maybe a little bit, but then it’s back to the glossy bits, please (speaking generally here).
I do know what you mean about this feeling of self-promotion, the desire to create a likable self. It’s not a completely false image, just the highlights. — “And perhaps there is nothing wrong with it.”
Comment by Jennifer — September 29, 2008 @ 7:39 am
Hi Robert,
you said in your comment that you also have dark thoughts, critical and sceptical ideas, cynical remarks… I do hope you are able to share those too, which are as interesting and thought provoking as the more positive ones. If you were sharing only ideas you think are greatest, that would be really self promotion to me, trying to give the best of images to other people. But sharing all kinds of things that are going on in you are a great way of interconnecting. I mean for this blog.
Yet I think I grasp what you mean. That it is hard to say something to someone without caring at all about what the other person will think of us because of what we are saying, not anticipating a little bit the impact of what we are saying, etc. Because there is this need to be loved, to be accepted. I’m struggling with this too, and while I’ve managed to reduce the calculating and anticipating and doing what I guess the other want so that I’m going to be seen as nice and great, it is still there to some extent. And yes it is exhausting. I guess that’s why I so much like it the walking I’m doing now, because I’m mainly in contact with the elements, less than usual with people, and it is relaxing.
Anne-Claire
Comment by Ludo et Anne-Claire — September 29, 2008 @ 4:08 pm
Amber – now common, I love you too, you know that… (Damn women!)
Jennifer – you are right, I often feel that just a certain aspects are appreciated. It’s like I want to give only a certain aspect (in order to impress) and they want to hear only a certain aspect and in case these two match, by sheer coincidence, we dance…
Anne-Claire – I believe a big part of my blog here is full of the dark side. Perhaps not in recent months (the effect of getting more rest?). And, dear friend, I feel COMPLETELY understood, reading your second paragraph. This is exactly it. And the exhausting part as well. Thanks.
Comment by Robert — September 29, 2008 @ 9:24 pm
Too much introspection leads to madness. Don’t stress about such things, just be.
Comment by razzbuffnik — October 2, 2008 @ 9:37 am
A few days ago I ended up in the appartment of the friends of the friend of some friends, whom neither me nore my direct friends had met before. And it turned out to be on of these occasions when it just doesn’t work. We didn’t have anything to say, no initiatives like playing music, dancing or whatever, and the whole of it was just so boring. Me and my friends were looking at our clocks, wondering what was the minimum time to stay before we could leave without seeming to unpolite.
And I thought of this post of yours and thought that if we didnt leave immediately was because we wanted them to think we were nice enough. Isn’t this the basics of politeness? If we just didn’t care at all about what people think about us and how they will react to what we say, it might soon become a nightmare. So I thought that too much calculation is bad, but too little is too if we want to still be able to interact with people. Only excess is our ennemy!
Comment by Ludo et Anne-Claire — October 8, 2008 @ 3:14 pm
ACC- I have this hidden plan that in the future in situations like this I will cut through this emptiness by opening up the most alive and burning dilemma I will have within me in that moment, you know, like: “Gee, I am really wondering whether I am not wasting my life completely on meaningless day-to-day living and keep thinking how will I feel about my life in, say, 30 or so years. So, what do you guys feel, are you living your life to the fullness of it’s potential or what?” You know, to go full-contact and see, what happens. Still remains to be seen, but one of these days I will do it, for sure…
Comment by Robert — October 13, 2008 @ 4:36 pm
Robert, after reading some of your posts the last few days I’m starting to wonder if we weren’t separated at birth or something.
I really struggled with integrity in my past. Not integrity like ‘goodness,’ just being the same person at all times…regardless of surroundings or circumstance. At church, I knew how to appear churchy. At the bar, I knew how to appear, well, unchurchy. But few knew the true extent of me.
Seems the best explanation I’ve heard is that our souls long to know and be known in their fullness. This, of course, is an impossibility while stuck in these animal casings. And therein lies the conflict that kicks off this crazy ride we call consciousness!
And Razz–if you have any suggestions for turning off my introspection tendencies, I’m all ears! Really ready to “just be.”
Comment by Dingus — November 17, 2008 @ 11:00 pm
Dingus – yes, you have finally remembered, we were separated indeed. Maybe.
I mean, on you photo your nose looks just like mine. Anyway, on the serious side: I am so happy you are reading and commenting here; you really bring new dimensions and inspire me (and probably others too) in many ways. And as far as just being goes: I believe we can all learn a great deal from crazy Aussies. 
Comment by Robert — November 19, 2008 @ 10:19 am
Robert – I had a bad crop on my first photo upload, then fixed in in my profile…but it isn’t showing up here. The first photo changed my older posts from “blank” avatar to the chin shot, so I’m not sure why the update isn’t comging through. Any advice would be welcome (I’m new here).
Also, would like to like your blog from mine (happyjames.wordpress.com). That okay by you?
Comment by Dingus — November 19, 2008 @ 6:31 pm
Dingus – Sorry, I am hopeless in this regards: there are so many things I would like to change with the layout of my blog and just don’t know how. I guess I’ll just have to wait for SanityFound to visit me. Link – I do not think you ever need to ask this; everybody likes to be linked, so, yes, great, thanks…
Comment by Robert — November 20, 2008 @ 4:31 pm