After a romantic dinner at the sushi restaurant here in town, me and my wife enjoyed Woody Allen’s Vicky Cristina Barcelona at the local cinema and were pleasantly surprised by the amount of snow all around when we, after the film was over, walked out into the night. The easy stroll back home, through the silence of the falling snow, ignited the magic within my being.
I was too awake to go to bed with my wife and so I sat in the living room in darkness, with my water pipe and Keith Jarrett’s Vienna Concert way after midnight, just watching through the window, getting carried away by this enchanting sight of snow and peace.
At first my thoughts circled around the awareness of the incredible speed that the life is passing by with. My son Filip is 17 years and a half. This is how old I was when I went to Africa. Soon he will start driving the car and begin thinking about the University. Dev and Lucija; I barely manage to recognize them when we bump into each other in the kitchen. I am surrounded by these big people. Where have my little children gone? When did all of this happen? Did I fall asleep? Did I blink?
The next thought after this lead, of course, back to my main theme; the meaning of it all. Am I living my life in a meaningful manner? Am I wasting it and will I regret many things when entering the tunnel after some time?
Then the peaceful realization got born within me. An organically and naturally grown little glimpse of the meaning started to breathe. The title of the first chapter of Jack Kornfield’s book A Path With Heart came to my mind, the crucial question that has been with me since I have read it in his book a long, long time ago: “Did I love well?”
Did I love well? I believe that when everything ends this is going to be the only question that will matter and have the power to bring peace within me.
Did I love well?
Yes, the question of the meaning is just as simple. Sometimes.
So…
Do I love well?
Robert .. that is truly an amazing question. I read this post after just shouting (well, raising my voice) at Mona for disturbing me while concentrating on reading your blog. Did I love well? Perfect question .. and I’m going to stop here and go apologise to Mona. I made a mistake! Or did I? This question would not have moved me so much if I’d been feeling full of light and love when I read it. Thanks you so much for this. Ian
Comment by ianpeatey — November 30, 2008 @ 1:12 pm
How many people, on the eve of death, think they worked too much and did not love enough and spent enough time with their beloved ones, and how many regret to have spent too much time taking care of their relations and not enough working?
If I can’t find a good balance, I’d rather be in the second category.
Comment by Anne-Claire C — December 1, 2008 @ 3:40 pm
Ian – this is a perfect comment indeed. Giving me the sense that my blog actually has some purpose to it. Thanks thanks thanks thanks.
Anne-Claire – what a beautiful example. I think you will be the first one in the second category.
Comment by Robert — December 1, 2008 @ 6:38 pm
Robert, It would be very good if all of us would think more about this very question “Did I love well,” because it is such an important part of happiness, I think. In the end, our money, progress, business–whatever–has little meaning if we don’t have real love in our lives.
I believe I *have* learned to love well–because I finally learned how to love myself, which is also an important piece of the equation. I don’t believe we can love well until we love ourselves because we cannot possibly give that much of ourselves to another if we aren’t first a friend to ourselves. I think that loving well also means that when you do love someone, it is unequivocal and unconditional.
Take care, friend–
Melinda
Comment by Melinda — December 1, 2008 @ 8:44 pm
When I consider Love I see depths far beyond my capacity. Did I love well? Even if I answer yes, isn’t that just a trickle of water compared to what Love is capable of? (Think Niagara Falls in contrast.)
Maybe more of Melinda’s remedy is needed (loving my own self), but I don’t think I’ll ever be able to say I loved well.
Hmm. Now I’m having second thoughts. Shall ponder more.
Comment by happyjames — December 2, 2008 @ 2:42 am
Sounds like a bit of nostalgia there dear man, from what I have read and from what I know of you, you are an incredible dad and those kids are lucky to have you!
Comment by SanityFound — December 2, 2008 @ 11:45 am
If that is the only question to answer at the end of things, I’m afraid I’ll fail miserably.
I don’t love myself well. Maybe I do when compared to some “average” person, but in my heart I know that there is too much pride standing in the way of perfect Love.
If my daughter started talking like a three year old tonight (she’s seven months old), that would be pretty impressive for an infant! It wouldn’t make her a master of language though.
Are we to measure against people around us, or against the limitless depth of Love’s essence…which can hardly be put into words?
Comment by happyjames — December 2, 2008 @ 9:08 pm
I contemplate my mortality often and sure enough, the older I get, the quicker time seems to be passing.
I was once told by a fortune teller, when I was a young teenager, that I’d die at a young age (the jerk!). I’ve always thought that life was short and for that reason, I’ve tried to have a life that would be worthy of a song.
We’re here for a good time……. not a long time.
Sounds to me that you’re on the right track. Standing back and taking the time to think about our lives is one of the best things I think we can do.
Comment by razzbuffnik — December 3, 2008 @ 10:54 pm
Melinda – yes, the more I think of this question, the more crucial it seems to me. And loving oneself is definitely a part of the story – I believe we are same, connected… in a certain ways and aspects and it is therefore not possible to love others without loving ourselves and vice versa.
Happyjames – I guess it is the value that counts, and the sincere attempts to follow that path, to practice this value. I feel this is more of a direction than a target.
Sanity – Thanks, thanks, thanks, over and over again… You keep repeating this to me and I am slowly starting to get it.
Razz – yeah, it seems like calibrating life every now and then, with the reality out there as well as with the values and needs within.
Comment by Robert — December 4, 2008 @ 12:11 am
My goodness, this question comes to me at a time when I have been doing so much soul searching. Last week we lost my mother in law to cancer. She was an amazing person and yes she loved well. There was 300 people at her funeral. She did not hold office or get out and socialize all that much. She lived in a country town and was well known for her kind and loving spirit. I have written a post about her on my blog called “My time with Judy”. Her passing has lead me to ponder that very question. At the end of my journey all that will matter will be, “Did I love well?” nothing else really.
Comment by Paula — December 4, 2008 @ 1:17 pm
I think this is the most important question that I ask myself. It’s something that I do everyday. It’s become almost automatic now, which is nice because it gives my life so much more meaning. It brings to the fore those people and events that really matter in my life. It stops me from falling asleep at the wheel. It also helps me to forgive myself for my life’s failings or any mistakes I may have made. As well as to try and see the love in others even when they weren’t perfect.
I guess it helps me to start to claim more love in general. It’s a good feeling, a more peaceful feeling.
Your writing is very dear and precious.
Robin
Comment by rainforestrobin — December 6, 2008 @ 1:06 am
Paula – thanks for this beautiful short account of your mother in law. I could really connect with how meaningful her life was. I certainly wish to go that direction myself.
Robin – an interesting thing is that after I have written this post and got all those comments, I myself think more about this question, get to focus more on this question and am feeling much inspiration for myself. So my own blog is actually inspiring me. Is this legal?
Comment by Robert — December 7, 2008 @ 1:12 am
Not only do you love well mate, but you keep on asking yourself to think about it and reflect on love.
Have you noticed how easier it is to love when you think about it? It doesn’t make life easier. But it makes it worthwhile.
Love well boet. Love well.
Comment by angryafrican — December 12, 2008 @ 4:21 pm
I agree that it is easier to love when we think about it, however it is not always enough, or at least with some people it much more difficult than with others. We need not to love only with our mind, but with our whole heart and guts, and sometimes there seem to be some bareer in me, and I don’t know how to break it down. Anyone is welcome to share their “tricks”!
Comment by clo — December 16, 2008 @ 5:20 pm
PS for Robert, if it is of any interest: the last comment was not by Clo but by Anne-Claire, I just used my mother’s computer and forgot to log me in
Comment by Ludo et Anne-Claire — December 16, 2008 @ 5:22 pm
AA – thanks a lot, mate, your words mean a lot to me, truly. Thank you, deeply and widely, thank you!
ACC – hey, barriers, tell me about them, ha ha, I keep bumping in them all the time… I guess in most cases when I find it hard to appreciate a person out there, there is a bleeding wound within me, the one that needs attention, acceptance, some never met or even considered needs down there, that need to be held and appreciated… Afterwards things tend to ease up a bit.
Comment by Robert — December 16, 2008 @ 11:25 pm
Robert
Where did that lovely post about being righteous and resentful of people in our lives go? The sort of background sense of people impossing on us… the victim mind.
Did you hide it?
Me and a friend were talking just about that kind of thing, and I liked the way you described it. Very real. Please, can I have it, again?
Comment by feltgiraffe — April 20, 2009 @ 8:29 pm
Feltgiraffe – I am not sure which one you mean, but here are three possibilities that I can think of right now:
http://robertkrzisnik.wordpress.com/2008/08/23/i-did-not-come-here-to-feel-safe/
http://robertkrzisnik.wordpress.com/2008/02/24/the-die-hard-role-of-a-victim/
http://robertkrzisnik.wordpress.com/2008/09/22/one-person-is-enough/
I hope one of them is the one you are looking for. If not, let me know and we’ll find it.
Comment by Robert — April 20, 2009 @ 8:42 pm
Thank you. That really hits the spot.
Got it first time.
“In particular I love to be a victim of my wife and my kids, of course”.
The story, the drama… The relief of companionship in peril. Been there done/doing that.
I hope that the reason I found this post a little hard to find was my feeble eyesight rather than you spring cleaning your image, or updating it. I like your ability to probe the humbling areas!
Lots of love and gratitude.
Feltgiraffe.
Comment by feltgiraffe — April 27, 2009 @ 5:31 pm
This is a question that really comes in your mind, & it makes you think & think hard to find the answer.. “do I love well?”
Well, I have experienced that there are times & cases that it’s never enough no matter how much you give love to the other one. Love keeps demanding more and the more you give, the more is expected from you, irrespective of getting anything in return.. & I guess the reason is love is unconditional…
Anyways, coming back, I feel this is not the just the question that will comes in our mind when everything ends and that will matter the most or will bring peace within ourselves. For me, I would also question myself if i was a true human.. cuz th traits we so called humans carry are not the traits of a true humankind
Comment by Nadia Talha — April 20, 2010 @ 6:22 am
Feltgiraffe – Glad you found it. Hey, I believe you and I would really get together well… Feels like talking to a friend.
Nadia – Interesting aspect you are exposing here. Yet I experience things a bit differently – somehow I don’t think that giving love from one side and expecting or even demanding it comes from the same pl, or speaks about the same thing. Or, in other words, if I give love and the result is that the other one expects/demands more, I believe there has been a mistake in the flow of communication. Either I am not being clear or the other person is not receiving what I am expressing, or I am not receiving the other person… Well, this is my experience and I also wrote a bit about it here: http://robertkrzisnik.wordpress.com/2009/04/22/on-feeding-ducks/
Nadia, thanks for visiting and sharing your thoughts and feelings – it really contributes to the subjects.
Comment by Robert — May 1, 2010 @ 10:43 am
No, the person to whom I am giving love knows very well as to how much i love him and can do anything for him..but when it comes to receiving from him.. it was never the same.. Yet, I feel that i just love him alot & it brings tears in my eyes and hurts me alot to see nothing is there anymore on the other side.. though expressed but never shown to the extent of making me believe that he does love me. He is my husband.. and been 7 years married but so much distortion and pain in this journey that i don’t feel like believing in the existence of love anymore.. I pray all goes well with us.. keeping hope from God
Comment by Nadia talha — May 1, 2010 @ 10:59 am
Nadia – I see… I understand that the way he expresses his love for you does not give you assurance and evidence, in a way, and so your need for love and clarity about the presence of this love is not being met. And you really long for the love that would be present so vividly that you would not need to wonder and question about its existence… I guess just giving and expressing and not getting this love in a way that would be meaningful and fulfilling to you, is really draining…
Have you ever thought about what specific things he could do or say that would help you to feel and experience this love? Just a thought, since for me moving from general down to the very specific often works.
Comment by Robert — May 2, 2010 @ 6:49 pm
Hi Robert.. Thanks. I just didnt realized that I am talking too personal here:) But really I appreciate your suggestion & like your posts a lot.
Take care
Comment by Nadia talha — May 3, 2010 @ 5:47 am
Nadia – I LOVED you being personal, really. I so much prefer the real, personal, specific sharing over intellectual discussions. Please, don’t hesitate to share your personal thoughts and feelings, if you feel like… I will be only too happy to read them.
Comment by Robert — May 3, 2010 @ 7:48 am
Thanks
Will surely read your other posts and give my general view point or as we name it as “intellectual discussion:)”
Comment by Nadia talha — May 3, 2010 @ 7:58 am