Blood gold

When travelling around the world I really like to step in various sacral places like churches, mosques, temples, cathedrals…, preferably when there’s not too many people around. The energy of those places is somewhat special to me. The centuries of people gathering at those places, with all their inner fears, pain, wounds, dilemmas, hopes…, trying to open up to the future, praying it will bring less pain and more fulfilment to them and to others – well, all this has left a special atmosphere and I find it very appealing, like getting into a contact with this collective human soul.

But!

There is something I am having difficulty coping with in these sacral places. A big difficulty indeed.

It is gold. I find gold truly unacceptable in places like this. Out of two reasons.

The first reason is that this is, in most cases, blood gold. Through the centuries it was taken, collected, stolen, conquered through wars, slavery, killings, abuse… Violence. And more violence. I really see no connection with all the human virtues religions preach about.

And the second is that people are dying out there. They are hungry! They have no shelter, no food, nothing. And it is millions of them. Would it not serve humanity far better if churches fed people with this wealth, invested in irrigation systems, sustainable development, schools, hospitals…? Would this not be more in accordance with every religion on this planet than this distasteful show off of not only gold, but power and wealth in general?

I wonder why religious people, followers of these ideologies and investors in the wealth of these systems, put up with this? Is it denial, is it ignorance, is it indifference?

A celebration

The year is coming to the end and me and my dearest wife are, as usual at that time of the year, evaluating the quality of our lives in the past year and thinking and talking how to make our lives even more full and meaningful in the year to come. So today, while taking it easy at the nearby sauna and talking about what was good in this year, I realized that I actually have a lot to celebrate. For instance:

• as I have vowed, in the second part of the year I worked less and my life feels different, much different now. I am living again, I am not constantly tired, I have even time to just sit and watch the clouds occasionally…
• I spent a lot of quality travelling time alone with my beloved wife, like Crete, Albania, Croatian island, Andalucia… With just the two of us and no pressures, just being together and enjoying it all.
• I managed to spend quite some time alone, taking care of my need for peace and silence and for solitude, mostly on islands and Zen retreats.
• I have gained a considerable amount of clarity about some of my existential dilemmas, especially on what I want to focus on in regards to my work in the future. It is very clear now that NVC will play a major part in my life in the future, especially in terms of mediation, working with kids… So there are projects opening up in front of me, very meaningful and inspiring, and I feel incredibly excited about this coming period.
• our kids are doing well, really well. Of course they are having their teenage ups and downs, but they are adorable individuals and our communication in our little community is progressing well.
• I have managed to spend beautiful time with kids, time, that have contributed to our lives and will stay with us forever, be it our short trip to Budapest, a longish trip to France and Belgium, or some wild time during our adrenalin vacation.
  
• I have attended very inspiring events this year, like the Dialogue Process training in Germany, NVC training in Germany, Warrior of the Heart training in Belgium, Congress of Interculturalists in Spain… My hand was very lucky, very lucky indeed.
• So many new beautiful friends appeared in my life and our house was full of inspiring visitors
  
• I have managed to eat a bit less and exercise a bit more – good, very good. Is my mind getting less weak?
  
• It seems I am not losing my hair anymore. At least in the last half a year or so the shower and bath tubs are just not as full of my hair after I step out. I am not sure what has happened, but, hey, who cares, let’s celebrate!
• I was blessed to experience some utterly magical moments, like the one with dolphins.
  
• And I am still writing this blog. One full year and I still enjoy it immensely. Not to mention all this beautiful people I have connected to via this blog. Touches me deeply. It is true that sometimes I get a bit restless, wanting to meet you all, but the night is still young, so let’s celebrate the overture and afterwards we will celebrate even more.

Boy, writing this (and having my fingers rather tired already) I can see that my life is not all that dull. Which makes another reason for celebrating.

I am truly happy about the above, deeply gratefully celebrating it all. Thank you, thank you, thank you…

Oh, did I mention that I celebrate Obama’s election?

And so many other things…

It is just not right

Though I try to avoid shops and shopping as much as I can, I found myself in a store a couple of days ago and kept bumping into a family, a father, a mother and a teenage girl, dressed very modestly, moving slowly around, talking quietly, softly. Standing next to them at some shelves, I realized they were talking about whether they could afford to buy things that were actually so cheap I would never even look at the price. I met them at the counter again, and my heart felt small and heavy, observing them how they were silently, with worried faces, watching the sum on the digital screen rising up. And we are talking about 5 or 6 items and not a big sum at all.

And I felt bad. And I felt there is something radically wrong with this world.

I am not a financially rich person, but let’s just say that I don’t have to worry about money very much. So I cannot complain and this is not about me at all. It is about what I see when I look around. It is about all these beautiful, modest, simple, hardworking, loving people who need to struggle through the months just because they were born into a social system that is built on some people having lots of money, some people having some money and a lot of people having very little money.

It is just not right.

It feels so wrong that almost 30.000 children day of hunger PER DAY. Today! It feels wrong that half of the population of this planet lives bellow poverty line. It does not feel right that this world is all about racing, climbing, winning, the survival of the fittest. And that when you have money and status you feel more worthy and when you don’t have money and status you feel less worthy.

It is just not right.

Success seems to be the magical world. Have to be the winner. Have to be successful.

It is a modern drug, my friends, this is how I see it. Be the winner, be successful, make money and then shop shop shop, spend spend spend, buy buy buy – and help money and power piling up for the invisible elites. And yes, it is an addiction. Heroin traffickers try to create as many addicts as possible and have their market blossom, and in the same way modern businesses are creating millions of TV watching, junk-eating, money-spending addicts. (my dear blogging friend Angry African told me I must include these exact words – from my comment to one of his recent post – to one of my future posts. And here I go, humbly obeying. )

And I can just now truly understand the deepermost wisdom of Martin Luther King’s words when he received the Nobel Prize in 1964: “…The agony of the poor diminishes the rich, and the salvation of the poor enlarges the rich….”

Yes, truly, how can I enjoy success and money, when there are millions beaten, broken, poor, hungry? How can I? How can we?

Fuck success!

The most precious moments of my life

Today, while hiking in mountains (again no camera on me, only my phone, hence a lousy photo) with a friend, thinking about the quality of the time in my life, the question arose within me about what makes a certain moment in life a precious one. How do I evaluate whether a certain moment of my life was/is precious or not?

Locating the most valuable moments of my life is easy. Deep insights into the nature of my existence and various awakenings into the presence of now, that kept occurring in the wild meditative period of my life about 20 years ago – these moment were absolutely crucial and they are still here, with me. Being there when my kids got born, to participate in this miracle of life… Precious beyond words. All the aha moments of my life. All the magical moments of pure contact with others. Lying with my wife in bed, in tight embrace, feeling completely loved and accepted. The moments when I have managed to provide some support to somebody and was honoured to witness the sparks ignite in their eyes…

Now, when I think of these many precious moments, I can see the pattern. I believe I evaluate a moment of my life as a precious when it is either about:

• a full – and when I say full I mean full – presence here and now. When the mind stops, when the time stops, when all that can fall off actually falls off and the only thing that remains is… well, nothing, emptiness, just this…
• an open contact with another being, absolutely open, nothing in between. The flow, the connection, the union.
• the feeling that I have contributed to somebody’s life being more beautiful. When I see them shine. When I see them smile. When I feel they are taking my hand and that I have helped some needs of theirs being met. And when I feel this is meaningful to them. I guess I could also say that in these moments I feel I have given love and that this love was indeed needed and accepted. And I melt.

So, I guess, it is the presence, the openness and the free giving.

Just as simple as that.

If I start focusing my life around these three crucial attributes, I believe I should soon find myself living a very very precious life.

This feels very weird: suddenly the question of the meaning of life seems so frightenly simple and easy.

Definitely not a fast learner

It is pretty embarrassing. To begin to understand something I have been teaching others for about two decades or so. You see, I have been preaching all over the place how extremely important it is to firstly understand each other fully, before you even think of trying to make a deal, an agreement, a strategy to resolve a conflict and to then proceed. I have been teaching all that time that it is really essential to genuinely wish to understand the other person first; if you ever want to reach an understanding and resolve a conflict.

And just during the last couple of weeks I finally started to get this myself too. In a way, I am understanding myself finally.

I am just beginning to comprehend that it does not make any sort of a sense to even open my mouth unless I have a clear and sincere desire to simply connect with another person, to just connect with what they are feeling, how they are perceiving this life, what is hurting them, what is motivating them. Unless I have this genuine intention to step in their shoes and listen, understand and empathise with their world, it is far better to keep my mouth shut and to walk away for the time being. And perhaps come back later.

Because as long as I want to change others, as long as I want to fix them, make them understand, make them see, make them realize that they are wrong and that I am right, as long as I try to prove my point and have it my way, they will resist. They will not feel understood, they will not feel respected, they will not feel accepted… They will in fact feel violated, pushed away and they will resist. Fight. And I can easily understand them, since I don’t like to be pushed around and be told that I am wrong, that my perception is wrong, that my feelings are wrong. When I am being treated this way my motivation to communicate truly goes downhill.

Although I know it on the rational level, it is so damn difficult to put in practice the knowledge that it is never about who is right and who is wrong. Conflict never resolve at this stage – they just get suppressed and postponed. Yet I like to jump, especially when emotionally involved, right into it, proving how right I am and how wrong the other person is. You know, firstly to climb on a higher ground, obtain a superior position and then, and only then, start talking. But who will want to talk to me then, after I have built these walls?

So, right now, after these intense realizations I have had in the last few weeks, I want to imprint it in my brain, tattoo it all over my hands so that I can see it all the time and not forget about it tomorrow when communicating with my kids or wife or whoever: “Firstly connect with them, with what they are perceiving, what they are feeling, what their needs are… You don’t have to agree upon anything, just understand, empathise and create a genuine, open, sincere connection with a human being over there.”

After this it is all much easier.

Mind cleared, focus regained

The last couple of weeks were a bit hectic around me, and the last couple of days were a bit confusing in my mind. My dear two friends from Sweden were here and we were either spending time together, laughing and crying, on NVC workshops here, or running around the country to get some sun, fresh air and fun together. After they left, a ton of things needed to be talked about and handled with my wife before she left for North Ossetia for the third time this year. Or is it the fourth time already. Boy, this time really flies.

In between I was giving trainings and seminars non-stop, in and out of the country.

And, as the cream on the top, carpenter is completely redoing one of the offices and so my office is used as a storage room for the time being and looks like this:

And, of course, consequentially I had no time nor energy to write my blog.

But in the last couple of days a tension begun to start rising within my mind and weird thoughts started to circle around: “I will start losing my readers. People will get tired of checking back only to see I haven’t written anything for a couple of weeks already. I need to write a post or two. I should do it. I must do it! Otherwise my statistics will go downhill. People will abandon me. I better write something really smart and funny NOW!”

And there I was in this achieving mentality, thinking that it is all about getting somewhere, achieving some supreme goals, fight for readers, be good, be better, be the best, climb higher up the ladder… You see, not so long ago I was pretty critical about this sort of thinking.

Now, no matter how much I like to whine over constantly being exhausted from the intense interactions with people through my work as a communication trainer, team coach and a mediator, right now I can see how great it is to do this kind of work since it helps me move through traps like the one above in almost no time.

In my work certain crucial themes of life are constantly present, like the question of core personal values, existential dilemmas, innermost needs. So, being “forced” by the nature of my work to constantly face and contemplate these issues, they persistently keep bringing stuff from my life to the surface as well, literally on a daily basis, and this surely helps me to not waste too much of my life on things that I would find no meaning in. Although my dear blogging mate Razz sometimes fears I am about to go mad.

So, in the above case of my blogging dilemma the situation got cleared pretty soon; this is to say immediately upon me remembering of my core “blogging values” that lead me to start writing this blog in the first place. Instantaneously it was clear to me that these values of mine had absolutely nothing to do with achieving or becoming anything. Quite on the contrary: when I started with this blog almost a year ago, I had three clear values on my mind:

• to write what is alive in me, right here and right now. Regardless whether it is smart or not, funny or not, impressive or not, twice a day or once a month.
• to write what I believe could be of some sort of interest for anybody out there. Otherwise, why litter?
• to honestly share. Just honestly share. And NOT teach & preach.

So, when I remembered this, the urge to write something just for the sake of impressing people out there, was gone. What a relief.

Yes, sense of freedom and choice does matter a lot in my life.

But I believe by tomorrow I might get my office in order, get some sleep and get some inspiration. I can already feel something is coming up from within, wanting to be expressed.