The last couple of weeks were a bit hectic around me, and the last couple of days were a bit confusing in my mind. My dear two friends from Sweden were here and we were either spending time together, laughing and crying, on NVC workshops here, or running around the country to get some sun, fresh air and fun together. After they left, a ton of things needed to be talked about and handled with my wife before she left for North Ossetia for the third time this year. Or is it the fourth time already. Boy, this time really flies.
In between I was giving trainings and seminars non-stop, in and out of the country.
And, as the cream on the top, carpenter is completely redoing one of the offices and so my office is used as a storage room for the time being and looks like this:
And, of course, consequentially I had no time nor energy to write my blog.
But in the last couple of days a tension begun to start rising within my mind and weird thoughts started to circle around: “I will start losing my readers. People will get tired of checking back only to see I haven’t written anything for a couple of weeks already. I need to write a post or two. I should do it. I must do it! Otherwise my statistics will go downhill. People will abandon me. I better write something really smart and funny NOW!”
And there I was in this achieving mentality, thinking that it is all about getting somewhere, achieving some supreme goals, fight for readers, be good, be better, be the best, climb higher up the ladder… You see, not so long ago I was pretty critical about this sort of thinking.
Now, no matter how much I like to whine over constantly being exhausted from the intense interactions with people through my work as a communication trainer, team coach and a mediator, right now I can see how great it is to do this kind of work since it helps me move through traps like the one above in almost no time.
In my work certain crucial themes of life are constantly present, like the question of core personal values, existential dilemmas, innermost needs. So, being “forced” by the nature of my work to constantly face and contemplate these issues, they persistently keep bringing stuff from my life to the surface as well, literally on a daily basis, and this surely helps me to not waste too much of my life on things that I would find no meaning in. Although my dear blogging mate Razz sometimes fears I am about to go mad.
So, in the above case of my blogging dilemma the situation got cleared pretty soon; this is to say immediately upon me remembering of my core “blogging values” that lead me to start writing this blog in the first place. Instantaneously it was clear to me that these values of mine had absolutely nothing to do with achieving or becoming anything. Quite on the contrary: when I started with this blog almost a year ago, I had three clear values on my mind:
- to write what is alive in me, right here and right now. Regardless whether it is smart or not, funny or not, impressive or not, twice a day or once a month.
- to write what I believe could be of some sort of interest for anybody out there. Otherwise, why litter?
- to honestly share. Just honestly share. And NOT teach & preach.
So, when I remembered this, the urge to write something just for the sake of impressing people out there, was gone. What a relief.
Yes, sense of freedom and choice does matter a lot in my life.
But I believe by tomorrow I might get my office in order, get some sleep and get some inspiration. I can already feel something is coming up from within, wanting to be expressed.