Definitely not a fast learner

It is pretty embarrassing. To begin to understand something I have been teaching others for about two decades or so. You see, I have been preaching all over the place how extremely important it is to firstly understand each other fully, before you even think of trying to make a deal, an agreement, a strategy to resolve a conflict and to then proceed. I have been teaching all that time that it is really essential to genuinely wish to understand the other person first; if you ever want to reach an understanding and resolve a conflict.

And just during the last couple of weeks I finally started to get this myself too. In a way, I am understanding myself finally.

I am just beginning to comprehend that it does not make any sort of a sense to even open my mouth unless I have a clear and sincere desire to simply connect with another person, to just connect with what they are feeling, how they are perceiving this life, what is hurting them, what is motivating them. Unless I have this genuine intention to step in their shoes and listen, understand and empathise with their world, it is far better to keep my mouth shut and to walk away for the time being. And perhaps come back later.

Because as long as I want to change others, as long as I want to fix them, make them understand, make them see, make them realize that they are wrong and that I am right, as long as I try to prove my point and have it my way, they will resist. They will not feel understood, they will not feel respected, they will not feel accepted… They will in fact feel violated, pushed away and they will resist. Fight. And I can easily understand them, since I don’t like to be pushed around and be told that I am wrong, that my perception is wrong, that my feelings are wrong. When I am being treated this way my motivation to communicate truly goes downhill.

Although I know it on the rational level, it is so damn difficult to put in practice the knowledge that it is never about who is right and who is wrong. Conflict never resolve at this stage – they just get suppressed and postponed. Yet I like to jump, especially when emotionally involved, right into it, proving how right I am and how wrong the other person is. You know, firstly to climb on a higher ground, obtain a superior position and then, and only then, start talking. But who will want to talk to me then, after I have built these walls?

So, right now, after these intense realizations I have had in the last few weeks, I want to imprint it in my brain, tattoo it all over my hands so that I can see it all the time and not forget about it tomorrow when communicating with my kids or wife or whoever: “Firstly connect with them, with what they are perceiving, what they are feeling, what their needs are… You don’t have to agree upon anything, just understand, empathise and create a genuine, open, sincere connection with a human being over there.”

After this it is all much easier.