The day I became a rebel against God

So, here’s this story. In the period between 1990 and 1991 I spent nine months in Australia, learning about human psychology and getting trained as a psychotherapist. During that time yoga and yogic meditation was my method of personal growth, and it was a big thing in my life. At the same time an acquaintance of mine from my home town was in New Zealand, staying with a rather radical Christian community. And so we were exchanging letters back and forth, about what was going on in our lives etc. Yes, this was the pre-internet era, good old pencils were still in use back then. But we did have electricity already…

Anyway, in one of the letters I mentioned my yoga practice and this information sort of freaked him out, as it seems. Soon I got a really looooong letter from him, warning me about this non-Godly practice of mine. He told me that God Almighty was really unhappy with people doing yoga, Zen, Buddhism, actually anything but the only right spiritual practice (which was, by sheer coincidence, the one he was using). He informed me that all the other spiritual practices, philosophies and religions were the work of Devil and that with them God was testing our faith. He warned me that God always severely punishes every soul that dares to follow other practices. This was supposed to be a sign of his divine love for us (frankly, I really struggled with this one). At the end he told me I should really be careful about my choices, choose God’s way and save my soul, otherwise I was going to be doomed forever.

This was some heavy stuff to read, as you can imagine.

But, since at that time I was discovering amazing things about the human mind, I knew that the mind was a very tricky matter and utterly blurring our perception of ourselves, others and life. Therefore I knew that I actually did not know anything at all, so I decided to not throw away anything as crap, but to ponder it, take it as a possibility and see how it influenced my life.

So for a couple of days or so I was actually trying to open my mind up to the possibility that the universe actually was the way my acquaintance was describing – ruled by a merciless God, who was willing to tolerate only perfect followers, and throwing everybody with any sort of a free thinking mind into an eternal fire. Forever. Out of love!

Now, during this time I was being trained as a psychotherapist, remember?, and so the more I thought about this universal possibility, the more I thought that this guy, I mean God, could use some help. Some psychotherapy. You know, to learn to accept and respect diversity, to learn to respect other individuals, to not behave so aggressively, to learn to express love in a way that would be acceptable to receivers as well, to deflate his Ego a bit…

But there was also something else that became very clear to me, a strong feeling from within, connected to my core values, right from the backbone of my soul, of myself. A feeling that was far more alive than any sort of fears could ever be.

You see, it became totally clear to me that I would rather burn in hell than obey such a narcissistic, aggressive, brutal, manipulative, non-respectful, full of hatred, non-empathetic, cruel control freak. Not only that, I felt I was ready to fight this monster because this was not the universe I would want to support.

It was a liberating feeling. I did not care about anything, I felt I regained my identity and I was happy, peaceful, loving. And just to make sure this was clear to anybody who might had been witnessing, while standing in the meadow I turned my face toward the sky (don’t know why, it just somehow felt as the right direction) and said it all out loud. That I did not approve of this tyranny and that I was going to rebel against it. Forever.

So, my friends, I guess I am doomed.

Humbled

The day started well. I was looking forward to leading a workshop for Bosnian volunteer organisation that is supporting Bosnian immigrants. I felt I was going to do a good, meaningful contribution. But only after an hour or so into the workshop I realized this was not going to be just another conflict resolution workshop.

You see, with me in the room were people that have gone through it all during the Bosnian war. Members of their families were killed, their friends were raped, their neighbours were slaughtered, their houses burned down… This was not going to be a workshop in which I would be cracking my jokes and be a star. These were people that faced the aspects of life I know absolutely nothing about.

I have never experienced the horrors of war. Nothing worth mentioning ever happened to me in my life; except of the petty events I like to inflate a bit in order to impress people in my self-promoting attempts. No member of my family was hurt or killed. I know about the world of horror, pain and suffering merely from the TV and newspapers, books and other people’s stories. I take as much of that as I am comfortable with, and the rest I happily deny.

So there I was, a successful, well-off, happy person washing my conscience by giving a pro-bono workshop, feeling good about myself. Oh, what a good person I am, indeed. And I was talking about nonviolence to the members of the most nonviolent minded nation I know. I was talking about the nature of a conflict to people who have gone through much bigger conflict that I am even capable of comprehending. And, frankly, I knew what they have gone through, but I was afraid to ask. I was afraid to mention. I was afraid to hear. I was a chicken and I wanted to play it safe, avoid the painful stuff, pretend it is not there.

Yet, throughout the day I was surrounded with their warmth, love, respect, appreciation, acceptance. I felt totally accepted in this beautiful family, with endless love, patience and understanding. One part of me felt great about this, the other felt small, dirty, unworthy.

I feel like an ignorant, spoiled child that knows nothing about life.

At least I am aware of that. So the day ended well.

Nobody told me parenting was so complex

Parenting is so darn full of dilemmas. Sometimes I feel that if I really want to do a responsible job as a father, I can just as well sit for 10 hours per day and think.

Take schooling for an instance. I honestly feel that the schooling system around the world is pretty much screwed up, directed into creating obedient people, with minds full of meaningless data, bowing down to the authorities and endlessly following some outer goals and regulations, do the social climbing, trying to be better, best, first.

Yet, despite this, I tend to evaluate my own kids against the requirements of this very same schooling system all the time. Thought I believe it is fundamentally wrong, I direct them into it and worry when they don’t comply with its requirements.

I justify this by thinking that I want to help them to, by getting some education and study habits, become more competent to operate in this world, in this system, as it is. But I don’t believe in it and it would be much more honest, brave and inspirational if I just said: “Fuck school, follow your dream…” It would be so much more true and meaningful if I chose to be the change I want to see in this world – if I paraphrase Gandhi - and support what is alive and somewhat holly inside of them, rather that cowardly support the social system killing their very essence, with this passive attitude: “Well, you know, this is the way it is, what can you do about it, so why don’t you just persist and learn this truly stupid stuff with some sadly immature and incompetent teachers, for another vast number of years, and then you will have a stupid paper in your hands and you will be able to find a stupid job and make some stupid money with it. And by then you will forget all about your dreams anyway since you will be well adapted…”

For a moment it seems like the light at the end of tunnel if I shift my focus from them to me, to my own needs; what do I really need here, what are my basic needs and values in my relationship with these kids? This is rather easy at the beginning, since there aren’t all that many:

One thing is that I need to be in a fair relationships with them, meaning that I want us all to contribute to our community, in a responsible manner. I don’t want to be their servant and I don’t want them to be mine either. I want to cooperate mutually, freely give and receive, in a balanced way that nurtures everybody. This is very clear and very important to me.

And the other thing is that I want us to interact with each other in a respectful way, not because this is a moral thing to do, but because we genuinely do respect each other and feel this is how we want to treat each other – with care.

But with the third need I feel in this context it all gets complicated again: namely, I also have a very strong need to contribute to their own wellbeing. And now who is there to say what will contribute to their wellbeing, nowadays, in their heavy teenage period of life, when everything seems to be changing on a weekly basis. How can I ever know that? For some people the quantum leap in their lives was when they decided to persist with their schooling, and for others when they decided to quit schooling system.

I feel rather torn. I need to evaluate what they do and how they do it, since I want to do a responsible job (and not just sit at home and throw money at them), supporting them in any way I can. But what do I support? Do I support what I feel is best for them or what they feel is best for them? Do I support what they feel is best for them now or what I believe they will feel in, say, ten years? Do I just stick to what I feel is crucial in human life, like being honest, fair, empathetic, independent, responsible, free, with an independent and open mind, and a warm and loving heart? Or do I go along the framework of this not-so-very-perfect society that they will have to struggle with, whether we like it or not?

Sheesh…

Anyway, my teenagers come home with some heavier school failures (in general because they did not find time to sit down for a bit in between all the omni-important computer activities) and a part of me just wants to laugh: “Don’t worry about it, there are other things to worry about in this world.” Another part of me is very evaluative and wants to be angry because they have all the chances in the world for a very easy and comfortable life, with a bit of study. And there are millions of kids around the world that are really eager to study, but there is no school anywhere near and they need to fill their bellies first and survive bombs being thrown at them. Yet another part of me strongly feels there is absolutely nothing to worry about, I know they will make it and I feel they are great just the way they are. And another part of me just does not want to support whatever they do, if they want to sit on computer for ten hours per day, for instance. Studying seems a more meaningful thing to spend your days on.

But is it really?

This does not seem to have an ending.

Another clear thing in my mind is the reason why I want them to be doing anything in their lives; I definitely wish they do, whatever they chose to do, out of their own inner motivation. Not because they fear me, not because they fear consequences, not because they want to impress anybody, not in order to buy love or anything, but because this is the people they want to be in this life, this is their free choice, this is what they are here for, and because this is what contributes to the beauty of their lives.

Well, perhaps it is just the high time for me to saddle our van and go to an island for a few days. And get in touch with the broad picture again.

A time for mourning

There are so many things that I wish to write about. But I just cannot. Thoughts just vanish once I sit down.

My heart is aware that right now there’s so much suffering going on in Gaza. So much pain. Right now.

I feel sad.

And I can not write.

Making somebody’s life more beautiful

Lately I have been thinking a lot about the beauty of giving, doing something for others, making somebody’s life more beautiful. Though I know that it is more beautiful and fulfiling to give than to get, I keep rediscovering this over and over again. And just yesterday there was another moment like this. I was driving to a brief meeting with an acquaintance, thinking how difficult it is for me to bear the time spent with her since she wants appraisal all the time. I was already feeling nervous a bit, thinking about how to make this meeting as short as possible.

Then I realized that this was just a person over there with a huge need for respect and acceptance. Just as simple as that. A person, a human being with this genuine and painfully unmet need for respect and acceptance. Suddenly I felt that giving her this, some attention, some beauty of life, would probably be the most wonderful think I could do and would actually make me feel great, happy. So, with a lot of joy in my heart, I did fully give this person attention and respect. And we were both so joyful, happy, with sparks in our eyes. It was the best thing.

And, since there are no coincidences in this life – as we all very well know -, while me happily trying to make other people’s life more beautiful during the last week or so, my life was made more beautiful by a gift from my blogging and NVC friend Ian, who has passed to me The Butterfly Award – an award that is passed from one blogger to another, an award titled The Coolest Blog I Know.

Frankly, I am not sure I can define what a “cool blog” is, so I will take the liberty to interpret this through my own mindset with a term that is, in the realm of blogging, the most important to me when I read blogs; an inspiring blog, a blog that stirs up stuff within me and makes me think, see things differently and open new horizons in my world. I feel deeply honoured by getting this award from Ian, whom I respect immensely.

There are some rules (hm, rules make me a bit nervous so let’s call them requests, guidelines…) that come with this Butterfly Award:

1. Put the logo on your blog
2. Add a link to the person who awarded it to you
3. Link 10 other bloggers of whom you want to give this award to.

OK, since I have already done the first two, let me, with a great pleasure, pass this award over to another ten bloggers, feeling really joyful that I can show my respect, happiness, appreciation to them this way. Hoping that this is going to contribute a tiny little bit to at least one moment of their lives.

1. Ian – Quantum Learning – Did I mention this great guy already? Anyway, I am completely in love with his honesty, nonviolent approach to life, respect for everybody out there. Every single post is a reminder and an inspiration.
2. AngryAfrican – Angry African on the Loose – Another guy that I bow deeply to. To his beautiful and deep heart, wisdom, openness, sincerity… I am so happy I have found him.
3. Razz - All the Dumb Things – My Aussie mate. Not that I am an Aussie, but I love him and his stuff. This is a no-nonsense guy, with straightforward wisdom, rich life experiences and a passion. Where I complicate, he cuts through.
4. Melinda - The Melindaville Blog – Everybody go there and read her blog NOW! I thought I have gone through something in my life and, oh boy, was I mistaken. She is opening my eyes to the world of pain, hopelessness, suffering and darkness that I never was aware of.
5. Robin - Naked in Eden – Robin is a child of Nature and still in complete connection with something most of us have lost long ago. She inspires me over and over again, yet it seems like taking ages for me to make some steps.
6. SanityFound - SanityFound’s Rambling’s – I thought about giving up blogging after a couple of months with not much response, and she woke me up. I will be eternally grateful. Her blog covers it all – from deepest traumas of life to funniest jokes. This girl will never stop – she is a nuclear plant.
7. Hayden - Through The Illusion – Another brave and inspirational girl, grinding her way through the illusion. Go, Hayden, Go, never ever stop!
8. Shalabieh - Shabieh’s World – Now, speaking of brave girls, this is one immensely courageous one. I believe she was the first person on my blogroll and will forever stay there, opening my eyes to yet another world.
9. Jennifer - Writing to Survive – She’s got the style, she’s got the grace, she’s got the humour, she’s got the honesty, heart… And she’s got a German neighbour I certainly wish to soon read about again.
10. Amber - AmberMoon – Honestly, Amber writes more than I can ever read, but whenever the word comes down to sex and to politics, I am instantaneously there. So, Amber, let’s have more sex & politics…

So, my dear friends, you are making my days. And I wish you remember this.

I am because you are.

What a beautiful way to begin a blogging year. Giving awards, showing appreciation.