The day started well. I was looking forward to leading a workshop for Bosnian volunteer organisation that is supporting Bosnian immigrants. I felt I was going to do a good, meaningful contribution. But only after an hour or so into the workshop I realized this was not going to be just another conflict resolution workshop.
You see, with me in the room were people that have gone through it all during the Bosnian war. Members of their families were killed, their friends were raped, their neighbours were slaughtered, their houses burned down… This was not going to be a workshop in which I would be cracking my jokes and be a star. These were people that faced the aspects of life I know absolutely nothing about.
I have never experienced the horrors of war. Nothing worth mentioning ever happened to me in my life; except of the petty events I like to inflate a bit in order to impress people in my self-promoting attempts. No member of my family was hurt or killed. I know about the world of horror, pain and suffering merely from the TV and newspapers, books and other people’s stories. I take as much of that as I am comfortable with, and the rest I happily deny.
So there I was, a successful, well-off, happy person washing my conscience by giving a pro-bono workshop, feeling good about myself. Oh, what a good person I am, indeed. And I was talking about nonviolence to the members of the most nonviolent minded nation I know. I was talking about the nature of a conflict to people who have gone through much bigger conflict that I am even capable of comprehending. And, frankly, I knew what they have gone through, but I was afraid to ask. I was afraid to mention. I was afraid to hear. I was a chicken and I wanted to play it safe, avoid the painful stuff, pretend it is not there.
Yet, throughout the day I was surrounded with their warmth, love, respect, appreciation, acceptance. I felt totally accepted in this beautiful family, with endless love, patience and understanding. One part of me felt great about this, the other felt small, dirty, unworthy.
I feel like an ignorant, spoiled child that knows nothing about life.
At least I am aware of that. So the day ended well.
You write with blunt but beautiful honesty. I enjoyed my first visit to your blog.
Comment by Lydia — January 18, 2009 @ 2:16 pm
Well, they must have come to you for a reason. You may have offered more than you realize.
Comment by Hayden Tompkins — January 18, 2009 @ 9:02 pm
We all have our own horrors to deal with Robert… don’t discount what your own life experiences brought to them. OK?
*Big hug*
Comment by Amber — January 19, 2009 @ 2:06 am
Other people’s misfortune helps us see how good our lives are.
Don’t forget that people who are grieving need an outlet and talking about what they went through might be helpful to them.
My mother-in-law (Lyn) told me once, that because her son (Michael) died in a tragic car accident, everyone around her made a point of not talking about her dead son so as not to upset her. Lyn wanted to talk about her son and found that talking about him helped with her grief. Nowadays I make a point of making mention of Michael every now and again and her face lights up when I do.
Comment by razzbuffnik — January 19, 2009 @ 9:51 am
Lydia – welcome indeed, I am happy you found it enjoyable.
Hayden – of course, you are right, I was just emphasising one aspect of it.
Amber – don’t worry, Amber, I know this is not the whole of it, I was just exposing the narcissistic egocentrism and the everlasting denial of horrors that are going on practically everywhere…
Razz – yes, Razz, like you said, it is really about being aware how good our lives actually are and how terrible it is for the less fortunate ones. And, in regards to the need of an outlet; it was disappointing to realize how afraid I was to open up these doors. Though I knew they were probably needed to open.
Comment by Robert — January 19, 2009 @ 10:09 pm
These humbling experiences stay with us forever and I find they are the ones we cherish more than most others for that very fact… they make what you do worth while and keep experiencing life.
Beautiful post and beautiful experience my dear friend
Comment by SanityFound — January 22, 2009 @ 11:32 pm
This is a tough one! The question it raises for me is – can I offer something of meaning to people when I haven’t experienced the same or worse than those I’m offering it to? I guess only those people themselves know the answer to that. From what you describe, they received what you had to give and I’m certain they would not wish you to go through war, rape or house burning before offering them something.
Another great post and I realise I have to come to terms and accept my safe, cozy life myself before tackling some of the areas of conflict resolution I would like to be able to deal with.
Thank you for this. Ian
Comment by ianpeatey — January 24, 2009 @ 10:03 pm
I have never been through those things either. I can’t even imagine going through that kind of horror. But you had something to offer them and they had something to offer you, an exchange of humanity.
Someone once wrote to me that their childhood would make mine look like Mary Poppins, and it is true that this person suffered horrible abuse at the hands of his father. His comment made me feel like a whiner, but it also bothered me on a fundamental level because it denied my experience. We all have pain and have experienced grief and that experience, even if it seems miniscule in comparison to others (and I’m not equating a bad childhood with the hell of war at all!). That experience informs us.
Comment by Jennifer — January 26, 2009 @ 2:50 pm
Sanity – thanks. Yes, it is interesting, the humbling experiences tend to be much more meaningful then the inflating ones…
Ian – well, accepting my easy life and knowing about the millions out there, well, this is a tough one for me… And it seems it is going to remain like this for a while…
Jennifer – what a beautiful point of view, thanks. Yes, it is really not about comparing the level of suffering and denying all that does not make it to the world finals…
Comment by Robert — February 2, 2009 @ 5:13 pm