On feeding ducks

I really like the story Marshall Rosenberg, the father of the Nonviolent Communication that inspires me so much, likes to tell when explaining how he came across some of the fundamental ideas of the nonviolent approach to relationships. He was observing children feeding ducks in a park and suddenly realized it was impossible to say who of the two was enjoying it better – kids that were giving food, or ducks that were receiving it. It was evident that children were at least as happy as ducks, if not even more.

And this is something that I keep realizing over and over again in my life – that giving is actually more fulfilling that receiving. Perhaps this also has to do with my own personal difficulty to receive… – but this is another story. A long one, actually.

Yet, in regard to this giving business I started to feel so damn depressed and frustrated about a week or so ago. You see, I enjoy giving, I really do. I like to contribute to somebody’s life, do something for them, give them something, help them out, meet some of the needs they might be having. It brings me pleasure, happiness and fulfilment. But on that day I just felt I have reached the limit to it: the joy was gone and I was losing balance. Frustration started to creep in, along with the feeling that I am the only one, in certain interaction in my work as well as at home, that has been giving. I am not saying this is an objective reality, but this is how it felt, very strongly. I felt I had been giving, giving, giving and it was not joyful anymore – in fact suddenly each time I gave, I felt frustrated.

When I started to dig deep within myself and seek for the core of my frustration I realized it was not that I would be needing to be given anything back in return, like gratitude, acknowledgement, appreciation… Well, sometimes I of course am needing that too, but now, in this particular situation this was just not the case. The frustration seemed to be coming from the fact that I really needed – and still badly need – to experience that I am not the only one that is giving. I need to co-exist with others in an interaction in which everybody is giving and contributing, where this beautiful flow of giving and receiving is happening. I really want to be in this children-feeding-ducks-situation.

I guess this has to do with my longing for community that I wrote about some time ago. The desire to live with people that enjoy giving to each other. Yes, living with people that find it so damn joyful to walk around and feed the happy ducks, that they just want to keep doing it. Out of simple joy, not out of obligation, responsibility, duty…

Now, if I go and start telling this to people, it comes across as a moral pressure, demand, expectations and it just does not work. So, for the time being I will just be mourning and grieving over the fact that this need of mine is not meet.

Hmmmmm….

Ok now Robert, enough of whining, gotta go packing bags for a week in New York City.

Speaking of ducks; I guess I won’t see many ducks there.

I regret a lot! With pleasure.

I get a bit irritated by people vehemently proclaiming that they don’t regret anything they have done in the past: “I couldn’t have done it better. I didn’t know better. I was not able to do anything else. So everything was great, everything was and is just the way it was supposed to be, blah blah blah…”

Well, I really don’t know about them, but I experience things much differently. You see, I have done so many things in my life that I deeply regret. I have blamed people a lot, I was even trying to make them feel guilty, I was cold, hard, approached people with demands, accusations… And much more. I behaved this way to adults as well as to my own little kids – and this is what I regret most.

I have also chosen on so many occasions to not do certain things, and I deeply regret these choices. To not give more attention to my kids, to not give them empathy when they needed it, to not choose to connect empathetically with many people when in conflicts with them…

Now, I don’t blame and punish myself for this, at least not consciously, but yes, and this is a very big yes, I do regret and mourn over those choices of mine. Especially those that deepened the gap between me and my beloved ones.

On the other hand, to say I couldn’t have done it better would not be faithful to the truth. Because it was completely within my power of choice to choose something else. To take a deep breath and rethink my next step again. To come in contact with myself and see what my true priorities were.

Looking at these numerous events in my past, truly numerous, I can rather clearly see that I was confused then, frustrated, angry, frightened… and among many needs and values within me I chose a step. Which proved to not be the wisest one, or the most efficient one, that is. And I regret it, as simple as that.

Actually, people, I feel I am actually happy for having this regretting and mourning feelings inside of me. It somehow connects me with existential freedom of choice. And with all the responsibility for my own life, that comes along with this freedom.

…and after two months cast again…

Two months has passed since my last, “final” post and I decided to sort of come back. I noticed that there were themes that keep popping up in my life and that I would have loved to share here. And I also started to miss you, guys.

On the other hand, I still want to enjoy life away from computer as much as possible, especially since I have actually started to materialize many of the goals set in this regards. So I don’t plan to write a lot, just when moved by something very alive inside of me. And if there are people that find that interesting and meaningful, it is going to be just beautiful, isn’t it? But apart from that, I will try to not sink back too deeply into the blogging world. Even more so since I, together with my wife, set out to write a book which will demand quite some time and discipline.

During the last week I was thinking a lot about comments that you guys were contributing here. On the one hand every comment is always great, a sign that somebody out there found my writing meaningful enough to pause a bit and connect, respond… And all the appreciations, support, good thoughts, acknowledgements… – it is always such a warm feeling to read them. Helps me feel accepted and heard.

On the other hand, I would love to read more about your perceptions, your experiences, your stories, your thoughts.. And if they are different than mine, if you disagree and see the life differently – I WILL LOVE IT! It will enrichen us all, help us make another tiny step out of our limited personal perceptions and grasp more of the richness and diversity… So, please, don’t comment just when you agree and feel supportive, but even more when you are seeing and experiencing another picture.