I get a bit irritated by people vehemently proclaiming that they don’t regret anything they have done in the past: “I couldn’t have done it better. I didn’t know better. I was not able to do anything else. So everything was great, everything was and is just the way it was supposed to be, blah blah blah…”
Well, I really don’t know about them, but I experience things much differently. You see, I have done so many things in my life that I deeply regret. I have blamed people a lot, I was even trying to make them feel guilty, I was cold, hard, approached people with demands, accusations… And much more. I behaved this way to adults as well as to my own little kids – and this is what I regret most.
I have also chosen on so many occasions to not do certain things, and I deeply regret these choices. To not give more attention to my kids, to not give them empathy when they needed it, to not choose to connect empathetically with many people when in conflicts with them…
Now, I don’t blame and punish myself for this, at least not consciously, but yes, and this is a very big yes, I do regret and mourn over those choices of mine. Especially those that deepened the gap between me and my beloved ones.
On the other hand, to say I couldn’t have done it better would not be faithful to the truth. Because it was completely within my power of choice to choose something else. To take a deep breath and rethink my next step again. To come in contact with myself and see what my true priorities were.
Looking at these numerous events in my past, truly numerous, I can rather clearly see that I was confused then, frustrated, angry, frightened… and among many needs and values within me I chose a step. Which proved to not be the wisest one, or the most efficient one, that is. And I regret it, as simple as that.
Actually, people, I feel I am actually happy for having this regretting and mourning feelings inside of me. It somehow connects me with existential freedom of choice. And with all the responsibility for my own life, that comes along with this freedom.
Oh, I’ve got plenty that I regret alright. Every now and again I’ll remember some bad, stupid or thoughtless thing that I’ve done and it just makes me groan inside. Having said that, I feel that there’s a positive side to regret and that is that it can act as a bench mark of the lows we have reached and a reminder of the fact that we’re all on a journey.
Comment by razzbuffnik — April 18, 2009 @ 12:12 am
It’s nice to “see” you again!
I have so many regrets. The danger is in getting caught up in guilt — which I can do very easily. I think the best approach is to admit our mistakes, mourn what is lost, and try to not repeat them (realizing that we are human and have weaknesses, of course).
Comment by Jennifer — April 18, 2009 @ 4:06 am
I don’t regret much, but what I do regret I regret DEEPLY. Mistakes I consider part of the learning process, but I am ashamed when I think of times that I have unthinkingly hurt or embarrassed someone else.
Comment by Hayden Tompkins — April 18, 2009 @ 11:06 pm
Razz – that’s right, these moments can be seen as pure learning experiences
Jennifer – yep, mourning, along with a lot of breathing, helps me too. Not justifying and somehow, as you say, not getting caught up in guilt, but just simply mourning…
Hayden – thanks for reminding me – in my case it is the same. Now when I look back I can see that I mainly regret my behaviour that brought about pain in others. Not the choices that turned out to be affecting myself in a negative way. This is easy to cope with, but the pain I caused out there, that is heavy.
Comment by Robert — April 20, 2009 @ 6:33 pm
Dear Robert,
I recognized myself so well in your first sentence, and as everytime I feel “criticized” by reading one of your posts, I tried not to react too violently and ponder what it was touching and why I was reacting. And I realised that pretending I didn’t regret anything was a (seemingly) comfortable strategy to keep going, as otherwise the alternate attitude used to be for me to feel guilty, and stupid and bad and bla bla bla.
But as I wrote, your sentence made me react, so I thought I might not be that comfortable with that choice, with that attitude deep inside of me. And I realised that pretending I don’t regret anything was preventing me from accepting that I disagree with previous choices, and prevented me to actually choose now. And choose differently. So pretending I had no regret hindered me to change and be the one I want.
But how do you get rid of the guilt? My head tells me it’s just part of the learning process, but my heart and guts don’t follow. Any “trick” ???
It took me some time to respond to your post because I needed time to digest it and hear what it had to tell me. Thank you for throwing the dice again every now and then.
Comment by Anne-Claire — May 1, 2009 @ 4:47 pm
Anne-Claire – I love the way you put it: “pretending I had no regret hindered me to change and be the one I want”. I believe this applies to a lot of us out here. In regards to guilt; all I know are two steps:
1. Face it. I believe guilt is so painful that we tend to automatically push it deeper and deeper under logical excuses and explanations. So what works for me is just face it (with not much evaluations and seeking the solutions): what have I done and I feel I shouldn’t have done (according to my needs and values). And what is it I have failed to do that I feel I should have done (according to my needs and values)? Just facing it, pinpointing it, yes, this is it, this is how I feel about it, there it is!
2. Mourning. See and accept what needs of mine I was trying to meet by my choice and simply mourn over all the needs that were not met, over all the imperfectness of the choice… Just hold these feelings and feel them, let them in and out, breathe through them, feel the sadness, frustration, pain, sorrow…
It takes tame. This is not a quick processes, at least it never was in my case. But, with time, a broader and deeper acceptance of the situation happens and dissolves the guilt…
Anyone with a different strategy to handle the guilt?
Comment by Robert — May 3, 2009 @ 11:14 am