I really like the story Marshall Rosenberg, the father of the Nonviolent Communication that inspires me so much, likes to tell when explaining how he came across some of the fundamental ideas of the nonviolent approach to relationships. He was observing children feeding ducks in a park and suddenly realized it was impossible to say who of the two was enjoying it better – kids that were giving food, or ducks that were receiving it. It was evident that children were at least as happy as ducks, if not even more.
And this is something that I keep realizing over and over again in my life – that giving is actually more fulfilling that receiving. Perhaps this also has to do with my own personal difficulty to receive… – but this is another story. A long one, actually.
Yet, in regard to this giving business I started to feel so damn depressed and frustrated about a week or so ago. You see, I enjoy giving, I really do. I like to contribute to somebody’s life, do something for them, give them something, help them out, meet some of the needs they might be having. It brings me pleasure, happiness and fulfilment. But on that day I just felt I have reached the limit to it: the joy was gone and I was losing balance. Frustration started to creep in, along with the feeling that I am the only one, in certain interaction in my work as well as at home, that has been giving. I am not saying this is an objective reality, but this is how it felt, very strongly. I felt I had been giving, giving, giving and it was not joyful anymore – in fact suddenly each time I gave, I felt frustrated.
When I started to dig deep within myself and seek for the core of my frustration I realized it was not that I would be needing to be given anything back in return, like gratitude, acknowledgement, appreciation… Well, sometimes I of course am needing that too, but now, in this particular situation this was just not the case. The frustration seemed to be coming from the fact that I really needed – and still badly need – to experience that I am not the only one that is giving. I need to co-exist with others in an interaction in which everybody is giving and contributing, where this beautiful flow of giving and receiving is happening. I really want to be in this children-feeding-ducks-situation.
I guess this has to do with my longing for community that I wrote about some time ago. The desire to live with people that enjoy giving to each other. Yes, living with people that find it so damn joyful to walk around and feed the happy ducks, that they just want to keep doing it. Out of simple joy, not out of obligation, responsibility, duty…
Now, if I go and start telling this to people, it comes across as a moral pressure, demand, expectations and it just does not work. So, for the time being I will just be mourning and grieving over the fact that this need of mine is not meet.
Hmmmmm….
Ok now Robert, enough of whining, gotta go packing bags for a week in New York City.
Speaking of ducks; I guess I won’t see many ducks there. 
Amazing post! The duck feeding is a great analogy!
Comment by thatdudeyouknow — April 23, 2009 @ 4:29 am
Potpuno te razumem,ja sam se često susretao sa takvim situacijama u školi.Možda je to normalno za dečijij uzrast,ne znam.Da li ja ovo treba da pišem na engleskom? Jako su mi zanimljivi tvoji tekstovi i nekako mi je drago što si ovo postavio .
Comment by Staja — April 23, 2009 @ 9:32 am
I having been trying to find a community in Raleigh for the last three years. I feel like Goldilocks! If I like the emotional environment, I don’t agree with the ideology. If I agree with the ideology, the emotional environment is cold and it’s not really a community.
I never thought it would be this difficult and I didn’t realize how much community building I was doing at my job. Now that I don’t have a ‘job’ anymore, I feel rather lost.
Comment by Hayden Tompkins — April 23, 2009 @ 3:30 pm
To me, real giving happens when you expect nothing in return.
Comment by Marjeta — April 23, 2009 @ 5:21 pm
Dude – thanks. The duck feeding analogy inspires me over and over again.
Staja – thanks for the acknowledgement – it is always means a lot to know people find my writing meaningful. And, yes, please do write in English so that every visitor can understand…
Hayden – that’s interesting. I wonder why this polarity happens – why and ideology that you like creates emotional environment that you don’t. Puzzles me… I would be interested in reading more on that matter, since I am too very much interested in the idea of community and especially in the question what makes some communities work and others not.
Marjeta – I guess you are suggesting my giving is not the real one since I sort of do have some expectations connected with it. And I believe you are right, I am many light years from the unconditional giving. Yet, I am a bit uncertain too, in this case of mine that I was describing. Is expecting the same as needing? I am not sure. Sometimes I need, but I wouldn’t say I also necessarily expect this. I need respect, for instance, but I don’t expect people to just respect me. And also, needing to be in an environment in which everybody is happily contributing – is it the same as expecting something in return? Frankly, I don’t know, it is pretty foggy, when I look within and there’s a lot of research that will need to be done, I guess. But I definitely agree, as I said, it is far from the pure giving.
Comment by Robert — April 23, 2009 @ 6:28 pm
I guess we all get a bit frustrated with the non-reciprocal nature of many of our relationships. Some people are totally oblivious to the needs of others. I spent the first 40 years of my life being completely insensitive to others.
Nowadays it’s me that throws all the dinner parties etc and most of my friends are very slack in returning the favour. It doesn’t bother me though, because like the kids feeding the ducks, I do it for the joy of giving pleasure and creating a community around me. I do it for totally selfish reasons. I enjoy their company and I lure them over with food and other interesting people.
It’s too bad you don’t live over here, as I’m sure you’d enjoy the dinner parties at my place and the friends that I surround myself with.
I see most of the social interaction I engage in as something that I’ve constructed. I don’t tend to wait passively for others to come to me. I go out and gather them up around me. All I ask of the people I surround myself with is that they interact and don’t just sit there saying nothing.
Community and conversation are constructs that we can build together rather than just “find.
Some people just need a little leadership through example to come out of themselves a little. Then again some people just have to be told.
Comment by razzbuffnik — April 28, 2009 @ 2:31 am
I just truely hope the two of you will find the balance. Again. One day… Who isn’t eternaly seeking for it, for the peace, anyway? Keeping my fingers crossed for you!
Comment by Mojca — April 28, 2009 @ 9:22 pm
I suffer too from the lack of free giving I notice often around me. Right now my husband and I are working in a rose garden, 4h a day in exchange for food and accomodation. While there is this initial agreement, the reality is that the relationship with our hosts is very much one of giving to each other in a free flow, and then everything is soooo easy, enjoyable, peaceful and enriching.
A few weeks ago another couple was here too, and they were not in this attitude, it was very much one way, and it was frustrating. And as you said, if we ask that they “give” (contribute) more, then it’s not spontaneous anymore, so it’s not the same.
So I wonder why some people are in this attitude and some are not, and to which extent we could work on the conditions so that people would give more spontaneously without having to ask them.
And I also wonder if sometimes it’s not that I am too demanding and don’t see what the others are indeed giving.
If anyone knows about litterature about this notion of giving, I would be most glad to know the sources and read more about it.
Comment by Anne-Claire — May 1, 2009 @ 5:00 pm
Razz – I would love to come to your dinner parties! Yes, it is really about constructing, creating, rather than waiting for it all to happen and to then just simply jump the train…
Mojca – I guess it must have sounded that I had my relationship with my wife in mind when I was writing about my frustrations and feelings above. But it was not at all about my relationship with her… It was a bit about my relationship with my kids (though something magically changed in the last ten days or so…) and a lot about my relationship with people I work with. But, anyway, thanks for your concern and good wishes – it always comes handy…
Anne-Claire – very interesting questions you are asking here – why are some people not in this attitude… I would say that often they have been forced and demanded to give through their personal histories and processes of socialization and the revolt in them is large and needs to be healed. And, as you say, perhaps they are giving, but we don’t see it, don’t acknowledge it and the cycle goes downhill.
Comment by Robert — May 3, 2009 @ 11:25 am
There are also those people who keep giving, and maybe would better not… you, know, those giving advice and suggestions all the time to anyone about everything!!! No shoulds and shouldn’t, just ideas.
We just had two visits of friends of our hosts recently who were like this, and honestly I sometimes wished they could give… some peace and quiet!
This makes me think about this idea of giving, and how it might be perceived as too much when for us it’s just normal, and therefore people would never want to be the same way.
And wonder what we mean by giving, giving what, to whom, why…
Comment by Anne-Claire Chene Geffroy — May 15, 2009 @ 2:27 pm
I´d love to hear more about the process of how this one magically resolved with your kids.
I´m awestruck by the indepth intention of your commentators to get to the bottom of it, as that moment of frustration you speak about is a feeling I´ve had lots of times. It tells me more than one thing has “gone wrong” or gotten out of balance in my life, and it is a devil of a job tracking down just where they are….
Comment by feltgiraffe — May 15, 2009 @ 6:54 pm
Anne-Claire – Ha ha ha, I love the aspect you are bringing in here. Yeah, sometimes I am being given stuff I am not happy to receive… I just hope I am not like this too many times.
Giving – hm, good question, I will call a meaningful giving when it contributes to other person’s life (from their perspective, not mine) and when I find this giving business enjoyable.
Feltgiraffe – I am not sure, to be honest, that’s why I call this magic. I believe something changed with my perception of their deeds (you know, a bit less of diagnosing and a bit more of empathy, as usual), they felt that and responded instantaneously… Things like that, I believe.
Yes, it really is a devil of a job, as you call it, to track down what going on: it is so easy to just throw some blame around and go to bed with this sweet pain of being the biggest victim of mean life.
Comment by Robert — May 18, 2009 @ 7:42 am