Before hitting the streets of New York I went to the top floor of my hotel for a swim and briefly observed a scene that remained in my head and in my heart; a young mother brought her 5-year-or-so old child to the pool and attempted to make him go into the water with the hotel swimming coach, a young lady. Boy was holding his mother’s leg and wouldn’t let go, quietly crying, with a sorrowful face. Both ladies were trying to persuade him, with unbelievably stereotypical sentences: “C’mon now, you are a big boy and big boys don’t cry. You don’t want to make your mummy sad, do you? Don’t cause problems like you did yesterday. If you stop crying and behave your mummy will buy you an ice cream afterwards, and you do like ice cream, don’t you…”
None of the three was happy and they all tried their best. Ladies tried to change the little boy, to fix him, to straighten him up and have him do what they wanted him to do. And the boy tried to emotionally survive. And it was obvious he did not stand much chance.
Later, while thinking about the scene, it struck me how nobody seemed to care why this little human being was crying. None of them seemed to even think that there might have been a reason for his tears, that perhaps there were some real human emotions and needs behind it all. It seems to me the little boy was feeling afraid, insecure, confused, needing safety, reassurance, connection, some more time to make gradual steps into the unknown…
Now of course, if you look from the rational perspective, it is not such a big deal, come on, mummy wants to take this little kid to a nice swimming pool to have some fun with the swimming coach, what’s so dramatic about this? But if I look with my heart it seems to me so very sad; this little human being, this little vulnerable boy in the big wild world, being pushed here and there in this life too-big-to-handle, all the time being corrected and told what to do and persuaded into doing what grown ups want him to do, to be. With not much power to stand for his own choice, needs, values…
When grown ups decide there is absolutely no reason to cry, children must stop crying. When parents choose to not give even one little minute of empathy to their kids, they need to stop feeling their feelings, stop needing their needs, because there is absolutely no logical reason for having them, right? The feelings, the needs, the values of children are seen as less important, of a lesser value.
What a difficult world children must cope with.
And so they become good, obedient, nice, clean, perfect, sweet, shaped just according to the framework set by their egocentric parents. After some thirty years or so they will start seeing a psychotherapist or attend personal growth workshops in order to climb out of these fixed attitudes that will be by then already fully integrated into their personalities, they will strive to grow out of the automatic role they have adopted in order to emotionally survive…, and they will start to get in touch with who and what they really are.
What a world, my friends, what a world.
This was really touching. I love the way you see a relatively small incident and link it to the greater thoughts. The way you ended it gave me the chills. You write really well.
Comment by xenophilicx — May 30, 2009 @ 11:55 pm
Aaawww, this is so intimately precious. Most of all you are seeing the world from a child’s perspective. I love this SO much. I so relate to how you felt watching this little boy who has only been on the planet for 5 little years. F..I..V..E years. That is such a little time. Adults tend to just see there kids as a 5 year old or a 7 year old or even 14 year old. They often don’t stop and really look at there own adult lives and think, “Wow, it took me 10, 20, 30, 40, 50 years to understand thus and such, what must it be like for a little life that has known Earth for only 3, 5, 6, 7, years.
I think about this so many times when I see kids and I think wow, they’ve only been on the Earth for 3 years. It’s kind of hard to explain. That always feel so profound to me, no matter how many times I think that. I also think about the things you mention here all the time. And I LOVE kids and they absolutely adore me. Somehow I too have not forgotten my child-self. I think kids recognize adults who sill live with their child-self and it makes the kids feel connected and seen…because they ARE seen and hence connected.
The whole time reading this I thought of the little photo of you sitting on the bench, where I think you are holding…was it a bunny?? I love that photo. It is my favorite all time photo of EVER. I love that earnest little boy sitting there on the bench. I cried the first time I saw that photo. —-Yes, I just found it on your site right now and you ARE holding a bunny and your little legs are sticking straight out. And the face is enough to make me weep with love for this little tiny boy. Of COURSE you saw the little boy in the pool you are still in touch with the little boy on the bench.
Thank you for touching my heart with this story and your ability to really see what counts.
I always feel more human after being here.
Hugs, Robin
Comment by rainforestrobin — May 31, 2009 @ 4:08 am
This is great Robert! And what strikes me is that this way of relating to children is so common. At home, at school. Everywhere. Treating any emotional expression (usually the ones we don’t enjoy ourselves) as a ‘problem’ rather than a human expression.
Thanks for bringing this up in such a personal way.
Comment by Ian | Quantum Learning — May 31, 2009 @ 9:52 am
I love what you have said here. That is something that breaks my heart about a lot of parenting, that parents believe that what a child has to say, what a child feels, is not valid. Especially if it is inconvenient.
This reminds me a little of the situation with suicide. Often parents are completely surprised when their child commits suicide, much of that having to do with the fact that their child never ‘bothered’ them.
It’s important to be involved in the emotional ‘world’ of your child and I devoutly hope that when I have kids, I won’t be so dismissive of what they are feeling.
Comment by Hayden Tompkins — June 1, 2009 @ 3:31 am
Xenophilicx; thank you, it is always great to get a positive response. And welcome!
Robin; yeah, we adults tend to forget so quickly how it is to be a a child. I still often do, with my teenagers and after a few hours or days it comes back to me… Yeah, that photo with a bunny – I love it too. And it is lovely to see somebody out there likes it too. Thanks, my friend.
Ian; my theory is that we, I mean you and me, are sort of soul-blog-brothers or something. Ever noticed how we tend to open up similar topics not so far apart in time? Now, whatever happened to the idea of your visit?
Hayden; yeah, the most worrisome kids is the one that never bothers his or her parents, isn’t it? I applaud my kids when the rebel because this means they are still alive – and I worry if they agree with everything I say. I love how you put it: being involved, I would say also connected, with the emotional world of our children.
Comment by Robert — June 2, 2009 @ 5:15 pm
Your story reminds me of the first time I went into a swimming pool, at about the same age as the little boy in your post. My mother’s girlfriends (mum wasn’t with me at the time) threw me into the deep end and shrieked with laughter as I panicked and nearly drowned. They angrily dragged me out and berated me for being a sissy.
Oh, how I hated them!
But I got over it and life has moved on.
The experience didn’t turn me off going into the water later on in life, but it did change how I felt about who to trust.
Also when I look back on the incident, I can’t help but feel a bit of compassion for them. After all, they were products of their own brutal upbringings. Hopefully, as we as a society evolve, this cycle of brutal ignorance will be broken.
Comment by razzbuffnik — June 3, 2009 @ 6:39 am
I completely agree–it’s such a sad situation and one played out over and over in all of our families at different times. Sometimes we’re fabulous parents, empathizing with every word, look, sigh, tear. Other times we’re stressed, they’re stressed–we’re out of our element and our stress crosses over to one another. As has been said, there were obviously other things going on in the adults’ heads at the time. I feel for the mother too. They were obviously away from home, maybe she had somewhere she was supposed to be–maybe she’d had him in the hotel pool before and couldn’t understand why this time was so different. Platitudes come out most often when you’re nonplused, don’t they. It’s possible she chose a swimming lesson for her time out because she knew he loved the water so much at home. But of course a different situation creates different insecurities in the child too. He didn’t know the swim coach–he doesn’t know the roof over his head depends on his mother being at some crucial meeting. Nothing is ever simple. That’s the sad thing. The good thing is we do the best we can.
Comment by Gina525 — June 5, 2009 @ 3:29 am
I am emotionally damaged and I am 20 .
Comment by clarisseteagen — June 5, 2009 @ 1:49 pm
Razz – Oh shit, this reminds me of similar event in my life too. How totally horrible it was to be so dependant and small. And be at the disposal for adult’s jokes, tricks, experiments. Good that you have compassion… Sometimes I just have rage and anger.
Gina525 – thank you so much for bringing in the perspective of a parent. Yes, nobody does anything like this out of sheer boredom or something, there are unmet needs behind actions of parents too, frustration, confusion, pain… Yes, it is all so very sad.
Clarisse – hey, welcome back. Reading your short but extremely powerful comment feels like a shock – I guess there are piles of unmet needs within you, pain, sadness… Thanks for sharing, honestly. I guess we are all somehow connected in this – being emotionally damaged. Breathe.
Comment by Robert — June 7, 2009 @ 10:36 am