I firstly noticed something different was going on about 15 years ago. A friend that I had not seen for quite some time, called and announced he would like to come for a visit, to catch up and things like that. Not more than 15 minutes after he came he opened up his mysterious bag he had with him and started to show material of some cleaning stuff he was selling. You know, the best available on the market. Ever. After patiently listening to his presentation for half an hour, I told him I was absolutely not interested. I thought we would spend the rest of the evening in a regular friendly chat, but no, he suddenly did not have any motivation to stay and connect with me, and so he left soon after. Gone a half a year or so and he called up again: “Hey, my friend, long time no see, let’s get together and catch up, how about me dropping by for a drink…” I looked forward to seeing him, especially because I thought that it was pretty clear to him now that I was not a buyer of his stuff. How naïve of me. After 10 minutes the mysterious bag opened up again and the presentation started. Only this time to be stopped very quickly by me – and again he left soon, losing all his enthusiasm for catching up.
I thought this was just a unique event, not announcing any sort of a new Zeitgeist, but similar things started to reoccur. Like, for example, an acquaintance calling about twice a year, passionately inviting me for a drink: “Hey my friend, long time no see, we have to sit down and catch up, as soon as possible…”, just to leave me wondering what this is all about when after an hour or so this very same person had nothing to tell me, nothing to share: apart from asking me briefly about what was going on in my life, with a somewhat suspicious look. So it was such a boring drink, no spirit, no flow, nothing. Yet I was invited again in a few months, and again, and again. To be briefly checked out, as it seemed. I was puzzled – why did this person keep inviting me if there seemed to be nothing at all he would want to talk about. Especially since he seemed rather bored, and also perhaps disappointed. And this was not a lonely example.
It started to seem to me that people wanted to sit down in order to check out whether they could get anything, not to share and connect. As if their perception of friendship was not what I thought friendship was all about.
Then I was presented by a very interesting thought through a dialogue with a man of my age while in NYC who said that it seemed to him that nowadays it was really about acquiring friends, not about relating to them. And yes, this was exactly what I was starting to understand through these encounters; that it is all getting so damn goal oriented. Build a network of people, as wide as possible, so that you can get something, career and business opportunities or something of this sort. So you have to regularly check people out and see if anything new – and perhaps useful for your means – popped up recently.
Yes, this is so much the way I am understanding where it is all heading: it is about quantity, not about quality, isn’t it? For instance Facebook, LinkedIn, Blog Catalog… The number of friends some people have on Facebook is bizarre. Also in Blog Catalog: “Hey, I add you as a friend if you add me as a friend, OK?” What exactly does “friend” in this stand for?
It seems it is just about numbers nowadays. The goal is to have more, more, more of them, more of friends, a wider network. How many friends do you have? How many readers do you have? How many visitors do you have? How many people do you have? How many of them?
I really wonder whether this is just a sort of an infatuation with all the possibilities this new social structures and technological possibilities are offering, or is it really a utterly new concept of friendship that is evolving. What will friendships be for our children and our grandchildren? More or less the same or completely different? It seems to me a bit scary that perhaps a concept of having friends and friendships that I know is going to disappear from the face of the Earth in a couple of dozen years.
Anyway, progress and evolution up and down, I myself don’t want to get anything from my friends. I just want to sit with them, share, connect, laugh and cry together, enjoy this link – no matter how illusionary it may be – just share and connect our lives and our lonesome paths through this life. That is what I need out of my friends, nothing else.
I really really really hope this is not the case. I have to say this is one reason why I simply adore the friends I have made on the internet. These are people that have taken the time to get to know me, my life, and what is important to me – as I have taken (and do take!) the time to get to know them. They probably know more about me (versus who I was) then friends I lightly keep in touch with from my past.
Sadly, the older I get the more I detest using the telephone and for some reason my ‘old school’ friends only want to keep in touch via telephone. Telephone conversations are often awkward, because we don’t have any context for what that person is doing in their life.
Luckily, though, none of my old school friends have tried to sell me anything.
Comment by Hayden Tompkins — June 7, 2009 @ 4:46 pm
We usually drift apart in some friendships for a reason. I don’t keep in touch with a single person from my school days. The reason? The truth of the matter is that their friendships weren’t of much value to me and my friendship wasn’t of value to them. I don’t feel any animosity about this, it’s just the way how it is. Life moves on, we evolve and so does our understanding of what friendship is.
The older I get, the more aware I become of how many facets everything has. More complex and finely nuanced with far greater depth. Nowadays, I maintain relationships that I judge to have quality and that I value.
I think that what people want out of friendships has a lot to do with their own mental architecture. Your old friend obviously sees money as more important than communication and connection.
To help you get a sense of where I’m coming from, I leave you with this quote from the prologue of Hermann Hesse’s book Demian.
“Every person’s life is a journey toward themselves, the attempt at a journey, the intimation of a path. No person has ever been completely themself, but each one strives to become so, some gropingly, others more lucidly, according to their abilities. Each one carries with them to the end traces of their birth, the slime and eggshells of a primordial world. Many a one never becomes a human being, but remains a frog, lizard, or ant. Many a one is a human being above and a fish below. But each one is a gamble of Nature, a hopeful attempt at forming a human being.”
Comment by razzbuffnik — June 9, 2009 @ 2:15 am
Hayden – Interesting what you are saying about the internet friends. Perhaps it has to do with the fact that these friends are purely chosen according to shared values and interested, whereas in our normal lives often depends on many other factors, like common history (schoolmates etc…), connections (at work, or somebody being the husband of my wife’s best friend…)…
Razz – I fully agree with what you are saying here and yes, it is perfectly natural that the nature of our relationship with friends changes over time, yet I am wondering whether the concept of friendship in general is not changing, with new generations…
Comment by Robert — June 15, 2009 @ 11:50 am
Hi Robert, I read this and laughed as I am going through this particularly online. I had never been online and when I joined Blog Catalog I just added people as I thought that was the polite thing to do. LOL! (As long they weren’t into some weird dark crap. LOL) I just thought that’s what one did. And then I got so tired of it as I realized most of the people were just trying to build networks. I rarely add anyone anymore unless there is someone sense of kindred connection. I have thought of going through and removing all the people that I do not have this connection with. But I’ve yet not had time to weed through it with my work load. So there they sit.
On facebook it is all people that I either know in my offline life (family or friends) or people that I’ve known for a long time online and we have shared deeply inspiriing each other. But this whole topic is one I’ve been talking about with my husband lately as it feels so weird and overwhelming and psychicly invasive to me. I joined twitter as my agent said it is a good way for author’s to promote books, but I get more and more followers every day and I can’t possbily keep track of them all. But someone recently told me that I don’t have to. That I can favorite the ones I have a kindred connection with and just focus on respoding to those people and simply let the rest follow me as they will or will not. But twitter is soooooooo bizarred, it feels like a huge frantic “race” that I don’t want to be part of.
It is challenging times for me right now to hang onto my soul and yet get ready to promote my book when it comes out. Publishing has changed so drastically that most authors are required to promote their books online. It’s an issue I’ve wanted to sit down with somone and have good talk about. How to make a living with my books, but keep my soul intact and NOT be part of the “race”. I actually find it all very exhausting. See, I don’t watch TV and for me all this is an awful lot like watching insane weird TV.
I would love nothing more than to sit down with you and talk about all this. That would be the coolest thing in the world. I am one of these people who would not even go online if it weren’t for promoting my book. I have no addiction to it, no need to have the world see me, no desire to tell anyone how it is for them, or what “the path” is, because ultimately all I can do is share my own life experience. I LOVE writing and I LOVE creating music and photography, but if no one ever saw any of it it wouldn’t matter and I would STILL LOVE it just as much. I do it because “I” love it. BUT I am also trying to make a living doing what I love. Soooo…right now it feels complex as I try to find my way through it all. How to keep soul and spirit and make a living. I trust that with time I will find my own way of doing it and if not I will do something different. But every day I ask to be show a better more whole, soulful, creative way.
One last thought, if I EVER get the chance to visit you and your wife, I can guarantee you that I will be there for ONE purpose only….to sit and share hearts, ideas, insights, life stories and hugs. You would be the most amazing soul to share in this way. We’d probably all talk way into the might. It would be the most thrilling exploration of life. The people who were there at your house and did NOT see this missed a chance of a lifetime. It was a sad loss for them.
Thank you Robert for always speaking from your heart.
It is a beautiful one.
Hugs,
Robin
Comment by Robin Easton — June 28, 2009 @ 9:12 pm
Robin – yeah, I guess I understand your dilemma of finding a balance between making some steps in order to support your life, but not going too far and lose yourself. I believe many of us are juggling with these two directions.
And I can hear your promise about your visit with the purpose of sharing only; yet, I must warn you, I will keep my eyes locked on your handbag and you make sure you don’t start pulling out some sort of cleaning stuff or vitamins or whatever… BECAUSE I AM NOT GOING TO BUY ANY!!!!!!
Comment by Robert — July 1, 2009 @ 9:24 pm
My dear friend, I must warn YOU. I use no handbag, only a knapsack, so I might try to sell you on the idea of a hike through the forest. LOLOL!!
Comment by Robin Easton — July 6, 2009 @ 4:12 am