Being on my traditional solitude time on an Croatian island, I decided to go for a bicycling tour, although the sky was getting darker and darker. I hoped to complete the 50 km circle that I had in mind, before the heavy rain would start. Of course the thunderstorm started just after 20 km, and in a minute I was soaking wet, as if I was cycling underwater. I decided for a short cut and started pedalling as fast as I could in order to keep my body warm, hoping to get back to my van before I would catch a cold. A few kilometres before reaching the camp the rain stopped, but I was already very cold and so I just kept cycling as crazy, since the road seemed to be already drying up.
Yeah right.
The last long and very steep descend toward the coast, Robert with a lightning speed (OK, not lightning, but it was about 50km per hour) and suddenly there was a shady part of asphalt, completely slippery. Felt like an ice.
And I went flying, with weird voices in my head and intense images. I just felt my body was really soft, not giving any resistance, just rolling and rolling on the asphalt.
Then silence, just presence and voices of Dutch tourists getting out of their van: “Do you speak English?”… It took me some time to manage first movements.
So, the result: the right knee, both elbows, both hips, the right shoulder and the right side of my back and ribs – red red red. Not bleeding anymore, but a nice German lady from the camp ( a community formed instantaneously, people taking care of me, checking out whether I was, after the treatment, just dozing off on the grass or have already fallen into coma…) who, as a nurse, came to help, told me the pain would start tomorrow.
The scary stuff is that my clothes are in a pretty bad shape, cycling gloves all torn up and helmet broken, with two huge cracks. What would my hands and head be like if I hadn’t had gloves and helmet on? What would my life be like now?
Got me thinking afterwards how our lives are completely made out of our little choices. Had I chosen to wait for the thunderstorm to pass and leave afterwards, had I chosen to take another road, had I chosen to be cautious enough to drive just a bit slower, perhaps I would have happily completed my circle and right now planning another tomorrow. Or, had I chosen to not tighten my helmet firm enough, had I chosen to go even faster, had I chosen to try to control my falling rather then just to let go…
Yes, it is all made of choices, billions of them, and there seems to be no way of knowing where the choice I am making now is going to take me. One choice helps me maintaining this arrogant self image of the master of life, the other one turns me into a bleeding helpless cyclist on the asphalt. A choice to lift up my overweight backpack the way heavy backpacks should not be lifted – while on solitude trekking in Tierra Del Fuego a few years back – turned me into a fragile little man, alone in complete wilderness, with a badly injured knee. Yet another choice in Tierra Del Fuego, to stop climbing the glacier in the deep fog and rather find a way around the mountain, perhaps helped me live this long.
We may be resisting this existential of freedom of choice, but, oh boy, are we freely choosing all the time.
“What would my hands and head be like if I hadn’t had gloves and helmet on?”
A mess! I know from first hand experience. I had a cycling accident years ago where I went head first into a wall, luckily I was wearing a helmet but unfortunately I wasn’t wearing gloves and I peeled off a large and thick layer of my palm in a big flap. I remember the morning of the ride, I couldn’t be bothered looking for my gloves. I remember thinking to myself that I should look for them but I didn’t.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that it’s times like our bike accidents where we have close shaves that remind us to listen to that little life preserving voice in our heads.
As life goes on, I’ve learned to listen more carefully to myself.
Comment by razzbuffnik — June 9, 2009 @ 10:36 pm
Razz – yeah, a mess definitely. And in regards to listening to our inner voices – oh, yes, I remember having so many of them in my head before the accident. There’s a lot I want to do in this direction, slow down and listen…
Comment by Robert — June 15, 2009 @ 11:52 am
I am happy that you chose the gloves and the helmet and that you chose to write about the small choices.
I am also delighted to have made the choice to click on over and visit your blog. Lovely to find it.
The illusion that in not making a choice I am not choosing is one that I often cultivate with the care of a gardener. Thanks for the reminder. Each small choice can and often does have enormous consequences.
Comment by La Belette Rouge — June 20, 2009 @ 3:21 pm
La Belette Rouge – yeah, I am happy too about my choice of helmet – my body has almost fully recovered by now, yet I still don’t find the idea of bicycling very attractive. I guess my bicycle will just have to rest a bit longer. And I am also happy about your choice to visit this blog. Welcome!
Comment by Robert — July 1, 2009 @ 9:19 pm