The favourite fantasy

This morning I went to the local shop just across the street to fetch some oranges in order to start yet another writing day. Then a weird moment occurred; I found myself standing at the crossroad and noticed the complete silence around me. Ok, it was Saturday morning which means less traffic, but it was not that early (8.00 AM), yet the silence was intense and complete enough to make me stop and have a questioning look around. There was no cars and no people to be seen. Everything was motionless, not even one car, not even one pedestrian, not one cyclist… Nothing. After observing this amazing complete stillness of the normally fairly busy crossroad for a few seconds, I finally crossed the street and, approaching the shop also started to notice other people, hear cars approaching from the distance. OK, the flu hasn’t finished off everybody yet, but I was, apparently by sheer coincidence, reminded of the favourite fantasy from my childhood.

You see, from the age of about 8 to something like 14 I enjoyed getting lost in the fantasy which always started off by everybody on the planet dropping dead. Perhaps of some epidemic deadly disease (hm, speaking of swine flu…) or some other mysterious reasons, my fantasy always began with waking up one morning just to realize that everybody was dead and that I was most probably alone in the world. From this point on it developed to the complex survival strategies; where to get a real good car that would not break down, some weapons to be protected from hungry and wild animals, a huge stack of food that would keep me fed for at least a year, then drive down to the Adriatic coast, find a safe and an easy-to-operate boat to get myself with all the food and equipment to a small island (damn, is this why I like retreating to islands so much?) where I would wait so that all the dead bodies on the mainland rot down to the bones, the smell and germs disappear…. Then came strategies about how to check out whether there was a nice girl alive on the planet, without exposing myself to risks of meeting any sort of bad guys… I am just giving you some basics here, but I went deep into it, I assure you, and strategies I developed were really complex and precise.

This fantasy of mine got even further stimulated after seeing the movie Omega Man. If you haven’t seen it, it is more or less the same thing as the late I am Legend with Will Smith (which you – of course – have seen) – I believe they are both made after the same book by Richard Matheson.

Anyway, when I now think back about this fantasy, I wonder why did I like to take refuge in it so much? I guess because with being alone in the world I would be finally free of all pressures, all the relationships I had to deal with and did not know how, I would be free of all the shoulds and shouldn’ts in my young life. Yeah, I would be completely free, independent, autonomous. I guess these needs were those that were being neglected and unmet the most.

Yes, it is not so easy to be a child.

Not so long ago I read somebody saying that this was also his favourite childhood fantasy and that he believes this is the most popular one. Is this really so? Then we are even more similar then I had thought.

Can I have my batteries replaced please?

This morning, while on my pre-writing  jogging routine, the feeling came back again. The feeling that has been quietly around for about eight years, but somehow just occasionally penetrates the awareness full throttle.

For the first time, as I can remember, I experienced it while in Morocco on an intense retreat, lead by a French ex-ballet dancer. We were staying in a traditional Tuareg tents among the dunes of northern Sahara, spending our days getting in touch with our bodies and movement, practising our presence, awareness, with nothing in our view but dunes, dunes, dunes… Although the retreat and the activities were utterly enjoyable, I felt something was starting to build up within me and finally came up one day, while we were doing some exercises on these sandy dunes. Suddenly I felt I just could not do it anymore. My whole body felt ultimately tired after being forced for decades, and my mind felt tired of forcing and bossing the body around. I just crashed down and remained lying flat on my back, staring at this Saharan sky, motionless, not wanting to move. I totally seriously felt I wanted to just rest there, completely unmoving, for at least a hundred years. Yes, no mistake, for at least a hundred years. I felt tired like the whole planet, though I was not tired of the activities we did during these days, but tired of all the forcing of my body I did throughout my life. It took the French guy and his assistant quite some time to persuade me to get back on my feet. Finally I did it out of empathy – I really did not want to drive him crazy like this.

Today this feeling came back. The feeling that I have been forcing myself my whole life, using my will in order to do, to change, to move, to go, to sit, to run, by the schedule, on time…

About twenty years back or so I was practising, for a couple of years, a type of yogic natural meditation in which you, for 90 minutes per day, basically just let go of the control over your body, mind and emotions and let them follow whatever natural impulses they may have; rather than trying to superimpose even more will on them, in order to concentrate, put the body in a specific position… So in general terms you aim to take the wilful control off and let your whole being get in back in touch with the natural impulses and then follow the natural course. Well, the result was that for the first half of the year I was sleeping throughout my meditations. Immediately after the beginning of each meditation, my body fell down and I slept flat through the hour-and-a-half meditation periods. Day after day. The next half a year I was just dozing through meditations, half awake, and only after a year or so my body and my mind would remain awake for the assigned period of time, doing something that somewhat resembled the concept of meditation…

Anyway, if I put my focus on my body and my state of beingness, one of the main feelings I can identify is feeling damn tired. As simple as that. And I just want to stretch out on the couch and not move for years. Stare at the clouds through the window, sleep, perhaps watch really dumb movies, so that no thinking effort would be required. But if I do this I know, out of experience, I will soon start feeling really bad in my body and also pretty depressed in my mind and feelings, so existence does not get any more enjoyable really. But getting up and going somewhere is an effort, jogging and swimming and bicycling and all of that, it is an effort and forcing my body into something. And I am fed up with efforts and forcing in my life.

So, I am really a bit confused. Since I don’t think I am alone in this overall tiredness, I am wondering whether we have, by becoming “civilized”, lost all the touch with the natural energy flow and are now trying to replicate it by physical exercises, rest and all of that, neatly scheduled and programmed? I wonder whether it is possible at all to exist and live life 24 hours per day in alignment with your energy, to enjoy resting and to enjoy moving and making effort. Perhaps this is what animals do. Or maybe they don’t, but they at least don’t make a big fuzz around it, like I do. At least when I look at our cat, she seems to be feeling tired most of the time, but that’s why she simply sleeps most of the time. Problem solved, case closed.

Or perhaps this is what Zen masters have been saying all along: “The true Zen is in eating when you are hungry, and sleeping when you are tired.” Yeah. I seem to be doing something dreadfully wrong here.

Or perhaps it is just the age. I am 43, after all. Maybe I just need to get used to a somewhat lower level of energy then I have had when twenty years old. Because after four decades, isn’t it that the tiredness somehow builds up and the energy level goes red? Perhaps human body is really not meant to live as long and should be switched off after 30 or so… Or is it something in the food? Perhaps global conspiracy of illuminatis? Or invasion of body snatchers? Or climate changes?

And here comes the last dilemma; do I really even want to become less tired (and then have more energy so as to work more, oh no no no no!), or do I really just want to rest more, not really minding being tired. You know, just happily resting my life away.

Right now the second option seems more appealing.

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Life of a Writer

I have been living the life of a writer for three days now and I find it really cool and sort of sexy. Just have a look at my schedule:

7.30 – 8.00: wake up and cuddle with my wife

8.00 – 9.00: freshly squeezed orange juice, warming up and jogging

9.00 – 10.00: breakfast and shower

10.00 – 13.00: writing

13.00 – 16.00: lunch, sharing ideas about the book and other collaboration stuff, rest, buying food

16.00 – 19.00: writing

19.00 – 21.00: a stroll in town, glass of wine somewhere along the river. The plan is to squeeze in some tennis at 20.00.

21.00 – 23.00: answering e-mails, getting to bed, reading, cuddling

I mean, this looks like watching a character (played by George Clooney or Clive Owen, please) in a Hollywood movie – before a big one hits the fan, at least.

I really like this kind of life. Especially because the writing itself is so enjoyable – purely expressing what I think, feel and stand for and what I also believe would be meaningful and helpful to others.

Ok, to sustain this sort of a sexy life there actually needs to be a bunch of people ready to pay for the book.

But let’s deal with that later.

A short report

Gosh, almost a month since my last post. I have to give you guys a short report:

• my wounds and injuries are almost gone, I am feeling fine. Though I still don’t find the idea of getting back on my bicycle very attractive. I guess the bicycle will just have to rest over there in the corner for a while. And I still need to go and buy a new helmet – the best and the strongest one, that’s for sure.
• I have finished my working season and will lead no trainings and workshops for over a month, which is something that I really needed – a good long break from interacting with groups. In August I will do a two week conflict resolution and mediation process with young international group, over in the UK, but I don’t consider that work, but rather food for my heart and soul, something meaningful to do and to give. Ask me at the end of August whether or not it still was hard work
• me and my wife spent another week in “our” little remote village in the Southern Crete. An absolutely relaxing and nourishing time. I again enjoyed observing locals, men as well as women, with their dignity, inner peace, and utter absence of the frantic need to hurry and speed towards some ridiculous goals of modern times. I always find this very inspiring; helps me remind myself that life is not just work, work, work. And I also celebrate the amount of swimming I did on Crete – I am really proud of that, people, please give me some pat on the back, I need acknowledgement…
• While on Crete I finally had time to read two truly excellent books that gave me a lot of insight into the nature of life as well as into the nature of us, human species.  Both definitely belong among the most important books I have read in past five years and I highly recommend them.
  • Ken Wilber: A Brief History of Everything
  • Ronald Wright: A Short History of Progress

• And last but not least; the final decision has been made on writing a book so from tomorrow I am more or less unplugged from life for the next three weeks. The idea is to complete the rough version of the book before the end of the months so that when the work starts in August there will be only polishing left to do. I hope we (I am writing it together with my wife) are not being overoptimistic.

I have noticed that despite having over 20 themes on my list that I would love to write about on my blog, the focus of my mind and the passion of my heart has already been in the book for a couple of weeks, hence no new posts. And I guess July will be more or less dry in regards to my blogging.

But, hey, people, there’s so much more fun things to do in Summer then to read my ramblings, so get away from computers!