My wife went to a high-profile communication trainer’s presentation, out of curiosity, to see what other people emphasise about communication and how they do it. She came home in a state of shock. This guy – the communication expert – was preaching that communication was a war, a struggle and that it was all about being better and stronger than the other one, that it was all about getting to a higher ground, having power over the other in order to finally crush them down. And win the battle. While preaching this, he was, with his superior rhetoric abilities, humiliating people in audience who dared to ask questions, making fun out of people not present, using the losers – winners distinction all the time… He was the absolute winner, of course.
When my wife described the scene to me, I was in a state of shock too. Wait a minute; this is what this communication trainer is teaching? That it is all about fighting, winning over, crushing down? I understand communication as coming together, you know, the communion, connecting, achieving understanding and then working together on finding the ways for meeting everybody’s needs, for cooperation and coexistence… And, pardon me; this is what I teach at my communication trainings.
Up to now I was living in a romantic world, I can see. I believed that every communication trainer saw communication, more or less, in the very similar way: connecting, getting together, and achieving understanding. I believed every conflict-resolution trainer perceived conflict resolution within a basic framework: achieving true understanding and respect of each other’s needs and values, then working together on finding strategies that will meet everybody’s needs. I believed we lived in the same world. How naive, how very naive of me.
I will continue teaching what I believe communication is all about, of course. But I will be less surprised when observing political arena in which everybody speaks and nobody ever listens. Because I will know that they have been taught, by their high class communication trainers, to attack, to humiliate, to make fun out of… They were trained to not listen, to not understand, to not move and to not be influenced. They were trained to fight and to win over.
I will understand that they are just being good students.
And then I will continue my fight with the windmills.
I guess the kind of communication on offer was aimed at people who think that winning is everything. Too bad they’re missing out on finding a way to real happiness.
When I think about it, people who have to win all the time remind me of dogs that go around growling at other dog’s necks to establish dominance. I’d like to think we as human beings have evolved (or would at least like to) on from there.
Comment by razzbuffnik — December 10, 2009 @ 1:04 am
Perhaps I (who was there) should add that the guy positions himself as a teacher of rhetoric (not communication generally). Nevertheless, his attitude was really off-putting. Not only for me, also for quite a few other people (but not for all, as I could deduct). An architect friend who was with me very insightfully commented that ‘it is a bit scary that this particular guy coaches Slovenian top politicians and other opinion-makers on communication – just think where this takes us as a young country that still seeks its values’.
Comment by Marjeta — December 10, 2009 @ 6:58 am
Another thing that struck me was that the majority of people nevertheless seemed to quite enjoy the ‘spectacle’ as he announces such events. The reason was the ‘fun’ that the guy provided (well, yes, at the expense of other people – but who cares about that). It seems that people will buy into a lot, as long as they’re entertained. Which is sort of scary too.
Comment by Marjeta — December 10, 2009 @ 7:08 am
Very scary indeed! However, isn’t it in the essence of rhethorics to PERSUADE, and not to have a DIALOGUE. Which is what defines it as an exact opposite from COMMUNACTION, whose essence is to relate, not to win either the “nice” or the nasty way… As far as I understand the two completely opposite concepts… And it’s POWER&GAME politics is all about, not a better world or sencirity. Yes, as sad as it can be. Because they do possess power. Over our lives, the lives of millions… Marjeta, time for a x-mass tea, what do you say? Mojca
Comment by Mojca — December 13, 2009 @ 5:08 pm
Razz – yeah, modern perception of life does seem to see winning as the way to happiness. Win over everybody, shoot them all and ride off into the sunset, the ultimate winner of life. And, looking around, I don’t believe we have evolved far…
Marjeta – thanks for this clarification. The more I think of it, the more upset I am, really…
Mojca – yes, I guess you are right and this is the crucial difference there. However, the fact that rhethorics is based on a such a different value is sad in itself, isn’t it.
Comment by Robert — December 13, 2009 @ 5:53 pm
Mojca: tea would be great. Bom v LJ od 12. decembra naprej. Poklic, ko bos kaj naokoli.
Comment by Marjeta — December 17, 2009 @ 12:08 pm
Marjeta & Mojca: What is going on? Are you ladies transforming my blog into a meeting point? Is this the birth of a new Facebook? Should I start celebrating or worrying?
Comment by Robert — December 17, 2009 @ 9:34 pm
Jeah, a new book-to-face! Celebrate it!!:-) Marjeta, bom!!!
Comment by Mojca — December 24, 2009 @ 12:11 am