Driving back from Rome, with my two teenagers dozing off next to me in our van, the rainy highways got my mind going in a melancholic direction, overwhelming me with emotions.
I became so aware, after having this week with them, that we have such a cosy feeling between us. We know each other so well as we have spent so much time together in our lives. We have been together since their birth and we have gone through quite some things, ups and downs, from peak experiences to the boring day-to-day life. The bond between us in incredible – there’s so much trust and closeness, connection and love.
Yet this bond has started to weaken and it is going to proceed in that direction, I guess.
Their focus is less and less on their relationship with me and on the family, and more and more on their life out there. They love me, but they don’t want to share everything with me, just the same way as I did not feel like sharing things with my parents, when I was a teenager. And even less so afterwards. I am their father, whom they love and care for, but I am not their tribe and the world they are interested in. I am another universe. They have their own universes and I am only occasionally invited to visit and have a look from the outside. I am a dinosaur that you don’t want to invite inside the house because dinosaurs are all clumsy, they break stuff, they cause so much trouble, and, well, because they are dinosaurs.
This is all logical and natural, of course.
Well, actually no, there is one thing about it that does not feel all that natural. If two people love each other, they want to be together and share their worlds, time and lives. But not in the case between parents and their grown-up kids. Because here I have a lot of love and care and closeness, yet this love story is slowly heading toward a separation.
And part of me feels sad, and another part feels happy and proud and content.
yeah, they need to go away, not easy for them either but they are taken, no choice there
to do their own job, create personalities.. and then time comes when they come around with their beautiful independent exciting selves, nothing more fulfilling for a parent..
Comment by Sanja — January 13, 2010 @ 11:33 pm
I am deeply touched. Am I getting old?
Comment by Polona — January 14, 2010 @ 6:46 am
Sanja – yeah, in a way I am looking forward to that time, when they come back to share their beautiful independent lives and selves. But, right now, I guess my training for learning to let go started…
Polona – like I said, it is not you who is getting old. I am! So don’t you worry…
Comment by Robert — January 15, 2010 @ 7:16 pm
I have years to go before this will happen to me (my son is now four), but I still think about it, as though preparing myself for it years ahead of time will actually make it easier. Ah, well.
Comment by Jennifer — January 16, 2010 @ 6:37 am
Jennifer – yes, years tend to pass by extremely quickly and I guess really enjoying every bit of beauty of life with our kids is a great investment. Suddenly this time comes and they start packing… And we start to regret all the time we have wasted. I am also not quite there yet, but I can already see it in the distance.
Comment by Robert — January 23, 2010 @ 1:31 pm
Dear friend, I am 60 now and i know well that pang when you realize that yes indeed their souls do dwell in the house of tomorrow that you cannot visit not even in your dreams. But the good news is that eventually they do a 360 degree turn and they come back with thier own children and then you have all of these other souls that refill that hole in your heart with so much love tenderness care cuddles whisperings events your grandchildren and all we can do is be mindful in the moment that we find ourselves placed in with them while they are in our arms and when the arrow returns it just makes so much meaning of the whole journey that we are all on together back to the light and love feel the luuuvvv. barb
Comment by barb — February 28, 2010 @ 12:21 pm
Barb – thanks for this beautiful account. Yes, it is comforting to know that this “love story” as I called it does not end, but continues in cycles. Thanks again. Welcome.
Comment by Robert — March 1, 2010 @ 5:36 pm