Sorry, my friends, but when it comes down to the question of the length of life I guess I am the least inspiring person alive. Today I turned 44 and it seems to me that this life is such a terribly long business. And should nothing unpredictable happen anytime soon, there are still decades ahead. A long time indeed.
Just think about it! Forty-four years of breathing, going here and there, trying this and that, engaging, moving, rising, working on relationships, keeping body in an operational mode, juggling with the roles of a son, a student, a friend, a lover, a husband, a father, a trainer, a coach, a therapist…, fighting my own shadows and attempting towards more freedom and fulfilment, trying to meet my own needs and trying to connect with others.
Forty-four years of all of that, common, let’s admit it, life is long and exhausting. And I consider myself a lucky guy in terms of the quality of life that is surrounding me.
But, on the second thought, when I think back on my retreat in solitude a few weeks ago, when I decided to not do anything unless I would find it totally enjoyable, well, back then life was a breeze. I did not move my finger unless it was enjoyable – and there I was, stretching and exercising on the beach, bicycling around, going for long walks, doing quite a lot of work on my computer… I did not have to. Yet I loved it. How come?
I guess the trick is in these darn “should” thoughts in my mind. They have been around since almost the beginning – and I know that I am no different in this regards from most people on this planet – and they make this life of mine much less enjoyable than it could have been. The inner judge that evaluates each second of life, matches it with some idealistic images and then comes up with a verdict: this is what I should do. I should be smart. I should be cool. I should be nice. I should be inspiring. I should be fit. I should lose weight, get educated, be a great father, be full of understanding and empathy for my friends and my mother and my wife, grow spiritually, shut up, speak smart, do this, stop doing that, be this way and stop being that way… And, of course, do not forget the past, because I shouldn’t have done that and I should have been the other way… And it also gets very tricky, you see: I should be happy. I should have a fulfilling life. Now this is some heavy stuff, because it seems to be helping and supporting, but in fact it is suffocating life in me.
Yes, this should-stuff is spoiling it all; it is spoiling the magic and the enjoyment of life.
Just an attempt to envision a life without any sort of should poisoned thought, just the sheer glimpse of it, brings a smile of relief on my face.
So, what do you say, should we get rid of all the should thoughts right away?
Happy belated birthday! You are only a couple of weeks older than my husband.
I think about the “shoulds” a lot, because they so often govern how I see myself and my happiness. It’s hard to battle against them, or maybe it’s just hard to ignore them. They come from the outside, or from what we think the outside world expects of us. Then we absorb the expectations and . . .
Comment by Jennifer — February 15, 2010 @ 4:37 am
Jennifer – thank you. Yes, I remember that your husband was born in an exquisite season too!
Yeah, shoulds are a die-hard, aren’t they. It helps me to try to, whenever exploring the matter, go past the shoulds and try to dig deeper, down to the level of needs; you know, just being aware of the unmet needs I am having, just breathing with them and accepting them, rather than evaluate myself at the level of shoulds… Works for me, though it is not always easy.
Comment by Robert — February 15, 2010 @ 10:22 pm