The dilemma I have had about a year ago is still here, and it seems to me like a dilemma between the heart and the mind, or between the life and the system.
My oldest son is 19 and he has been an eager sportist since he started to walk. He turned into a dancer about four years ago and all his talents and eagerness and heart have been in dancing since. He wants to fly his body around all the time and so he practices, trains, works hard with his group on choreography, they practice, perform, practice, perform… The energy never seems to cease, the spirit never dies out, the motivation has been flying higher and higher through the years.
But every morning when he goes back into the schooling system and when it is again all about shoulds and shouldn’ts, about having to learn and memorize all those for him unimportant, unreal and uninteresting things…, well each morning a bit of life in him appears to die out. He comes back from the school in a bad mood, unhappy, depressed… Just to struggle with the idea of having to go to his room and study all that stuff some more.
But then in the evening, when the moment for him to go to another training or performance (which is at least once a day, every single day…) comes, him mood brightens up and he hurries out the door, to be happy again and to enjoy life for a couple of hours. Just to wake up in the morning and enter into the dark, foggy face of his life again.
What are we doing to each other? What are we doing to our kids? There is this schooling system that was not created in order to meet the needs of our kids but rather to serve the needs of industrialisation – you know, putting kids some place so that their parents can go to work, and then in these places training kids into skills that will make them useful in the process of production of goods and profit. I know I sound a bit like Karl Marx – and I don’t think this is bad at all.
Anyway, all these systems – economic, social, political… – have clearly not been performing very well in terms of meeting the needs of everybody (but rather in a rather violent way meeting the needs of just some privileged people) transforming life into a rat race. A lot of our thoughts and conversations are circling around our frustrations and dissatisfactions with all these systems, yet we keep happily directing our kids into these very same systems.
We tend to just not bother with it too much and rather take the path of least resistance. The system is here, it is the way it is, and our kids better become fully functioning parts of it as soon as possible. They can be creative and full of life and inspiration a few hours over weekends – the rest of the time should be about polishing their compatibility with the system. We have survived and so they will survive too, right? Life is tough. End of story.
So, my dilemma? What do I want to support in regards to my kids: that, which is most alive and beautiful in them, or the process of boxing them into the system as it is? My heart is rather clear, yet the mind is not so sure what is best for their long-term well-being. Because, you know, with school… education… more opportunities… safety… chances… maybe…
Anyway, if you haven’t seen Ken Robinson’s TED talk yet, make sure to take your time and do it. It is well worthwhile.
I am thinking about this a lot. Have a nephew of 14, he’ s a great boy and an excellent and devoted tennis player, trains daily 3 or 4 hours. But he hates school so much that it hurts me. My daughters weren’t much fond of school, but they had friends there and in the morning hardly waited to see them to chat and laugh together. But none enjoyed the school and the lessons. Creativity? What’ s that? If they read a book, they had to interpret it in the official way, not in their own. When they drew a pig, it had to be the same pig as in the teacher’s perception…
I am sad about that, but have an opportunity to do something in my field of activity….
P.S.: Robinson is amazing!!!
Comment by Polona — February 28, 2010 @ 8:23 am
very true robert..even i had to “unlearn” a lot of things after school..but its a choice – some people give it all they have and the others choose a safety net…you should also check out this talk by raghava kk – a self-taught artist, he simply decided to leave school and pursue his passion one fine day:
http://www.ted.com/talks/lang/eng/raghava_kk_five_lives_of_an_artist.html
Comment by rakesh — February 28, 2010 @ 9:20 am
to go further you can also watch this one, on the power of institutions
http://www.ted.com/talks/philip_zimbardo_on_the_psychology_of_evil.html
Comment by Anne-Claire Chene Geffroy — February 28, 2010 @ 12:00 pm
I had the same dilemma where I come from. My son was going down the wrong road and eventually I would have lost him to drugs and bad friends. He hated school and had no interest in any subjects.
I took him out of school in grade nine and told him he must now choose what he wants to do with his life. I know it sounds dangerous to give him that much choice at such an age (14 years) but he went on and started with a small construction company because he liked working with his hands. Now he is at a management level in a large construction company and earns more than I ever did in my life.
So maybe we should consider giving our children more of a choice. I know we want to protect our children for as long as we can but I also think that by being overprotective we are stunting their growth and taking the initiative away from them. It is their life after all and they are only on loan to us for a short time.
Maybe they would also be more respectful towards us if we give them more space to grow on their own and if we accept them as individuals with their own ambitions and dreams. Of course we are responsible for their moral growth but are we doing that well?
I think it is time for better communication with our children and some recall of our own childhood and what our likes and dislikes were.
Comment by Jac — February 28, 2010 @ 12:18 pm
The boy is 19. So this dilemma (school or no school)is really his dilemma, not yours (in my view of course).
Comment by Marjeta — February 28, 2010 @ 5:56 pm
Polona – yes, this is exactly what I am talking about. And Robinson, yes, this talk is truly amazing – enlightening and inspiring as well as entertaining, isn’t it? A perfect 20′ talk indeed.
Rakesh – thanks so much for this link, my friend. I have never heard about this guy, yet I was totally moved and inspired by his story. He is an explosion of creativity and aliveness. I am sending this to everybody, especially my kids. Thanks.
Anne-Claire – This is darn frightening!
Jac – thanks so much for this thoughtful input. It definitely enriched the theme and I couldn’t agree more with what you are saying here. Welcome.
Marjeta – yes, I agree, he has his own dilemmas and this is one of them. Yet, I as his father have my dilemmas too and one of them is what do I want to support, how do I want to behave… I am not just a by-passer, I am involved in this situation.
Comment by Robert — March 1, 2010 @ 10:04 pm
I don’t have kids yet, but I definitely see your point. I think traditional methods of schooling are archaic and just don’t work for everyone.
I keep learning of more and more kids who are home schooled and able to do what they want- music, sports, whatever, and have much more time and encouragement to do it.
All that besides the point that we don’t teach our kids the most essential skills to succeed- how to interview for a job, how to handle money, etc.
Comment by Justin — March 2, 2010 @ 5:17 pm
“There is this schooling system that was not created in order to meet the needs of our kids but rather to serve the needs of industrialisation”
You are getting a STANDING OVATION FROM ME. This is remarkably true and it’s time we faced the truth that school is not for the child’s best interests but, yes, in the interest of an industrialized society.
Is it possible he can take a test to qualify for his high school degree? In the US, we have a GED which is the equivalent of a high school diploma. All you have to do is pass the test!
Comment by Hayden Tompkins — March 2, 2010 @ 9:23 pm
This post is timely for me — we may have the choice of putting our son (who is four) into a private school that places a huge emphasis on the arts. It’s also a teacher collective that gives out no grades. Thinking a lot about the implications of our educational choices (and realize that there is a huge difference between four and nineteen). Anything that can get keep him out of the system and nurture his creative mind is all right with me.
Comment by Jennifer — March 4, 2010 @ 12:29 am
Justin – yes, or how to communicate, how to peacefuly resolve conflicts, how to be in touch with what they feel and what they need, how to find their passion… Like I said, this education is not about meeting their needs…
Hayden – I don’t think this one test system is available here. There are some other options though, but none much better really…
Jennifer – Well, if I was to start again with my kids, I would be even much more careful about which option to choose – going for the one that will keep empowering and nurturing the aliveness in them, rather than box it down to what suits the system best.
Comment by Robert — March 8, 2010 @ 6:40 pm
I agree completely with Robert and almost all of the comments.
I have 3 kids so this dilemma is very important to me.
The question (for me)is – what to do, what can I change, how to guide my children to give them the best opportunity for their life?
And I think this is even more important today as I think the world is changing a lot.
Comment by Pavel — March 15, 2010 @ 12:38 pm
That was a very entertaining video, but I had the uneasy feeling that it was the product of an affluent lifestyle that was the product of an industrial world created by an “educated” group of people.
Yes there are creative people of all kinds, but unfortunately we all have to figure out a way to provide the necessities for ourselves. If every one was a dancer or artist, who would do all the other things we need to live, like farming and engineering? The “little” untalented, uncreative worker drones, perhaps?
What was interesting in the talk that Sir Ken gave, was that he cited the example of the choreographer who is now successful and rich. What is the subtext here? Follow your dream and become rich and famous. Unnecessary things from an Epicurean standpoint, which I would posit are the reasons why so many people become frustrated and dissatisfied with their lives. For every success measured in such ways, there any many more who have not reached their goals.
I think that a lot of unhappiness comes from our value systems. Many people can’t see that there is creativity in science and many people think things that don’t make money aren’t worthwhile. It would seem that many people think it ain’t great art unless it sells.
Perhaps the mistake we are making as a society, is that we a compartmentalise our lives. Perhaps we should think about integrating the expressive and creative with the rest of our lives rather than trying to make a career out of what we love, because when money comes into the equation, a lot of the enjoyment drains away.
Comment by Razzbuffnik — March 16, 2010 @ 1:19 am
Pavel – well, what can I say, brother… I guess we are digging through the same dirt.
Razz – I couldn’t agree with you more. I love your comments, they always shed yet another perspective. However, I did not get the message about the choreographer in the same way as you did. For me it was about what a difference it can make if the talent gets supported rather than boxed away. For me it was not about money and success.
Comment by Robert — March 22, 2010 @ 10:39 pm