But there is a celebration I want to share with you now.

For over 20 years I have been working as a group trainer full time and I thought that I have worked with just about any sort of groups, from hard-core business to school teachers and students, from doctors to soldiers… But a couple of months ago a call came in from a Catholic church in a village, inviting me to give a talk to parents about establishing dialogue with their teenagers. In the church! Straight after the mass!

At first I thought it was a joke. Namely, I am not at all excited about organized religions, especially the Catholic one (don’t know even where to begin listing all the unmet needs and values…) and I have written quite some pretty critical stuff about Catholic religion on this blog as well as elsewhere and so I thought I would be the last one that they would invite to lecture them. But it proved to be a true request for help and support.

Anyway, there I was yesterday, starting my talk right after the evening mass. The church was packed with almost 200 people, parents as well as their teenagers (I have requested to be able to talk to both “parties”, not to parents only), and the spirit was totally amazing. It felt a bit weird at the beginning, me standing there as a priest and everybody squeezed on these benches, but soon the magic started to happen. We connected so beautifully, somehow love and celebration of life was in the air, we were laughing together and feeling touched together while I was talking about building bridges across generations, hearing each other emphatically, using the connecting language rather then the disconnecting one, together working on ways for everybody’s needs to be met…

I felt touched, uplifted, very peaceful and connected to everybody. And grateful. It was just such a beautiful experience.

After it was all over and I left the church, walking toward my car under the shinning full moon and the stillness of the night at the edge of this village, I felt that this was probably the original idea for building places of worship; to bring the community together, to support the heart-connection to happen within people as well as among people.

To support the spirit of life to manifest itself visibly and to open space for rememberings, celebrations, mournings…

Meeting hundreds people at my workshops and trainings, I can say that I firmly know my story of self-denial is not unique, but widely shared.

Yet ten years ago something opened up in my life and an immense breakthrough happened, life started to flow in such waves that it often took my breath away. I literally kept waking up during nights because of being overwhelmed with happiness and beauty. But I merely dared to be aware of it all. I was still hiding it all from the world. As if suffering was allowed, but celebrating the happiness and the beauty of life not.

Then half a year ago another crack opened. I started to allow myself to celebrate, with lots of gratitude, the beauty of my existence. As if a yet deeper and more genuine self got born to this world, in a still rather shy manner allowing itself to enjoy it all; the appreciation, the love, the happiness…

Gosh, why do we do this to ourselves, why do we squeeze our precious lifetimes into tiny little shapes, gasping for some air for the rest of the time. Why do we keep killing ourselves slowly?

But I am slowly learning my lesson. One thing I have started is to every evening, when I lie down in bed, go with my thoughts through the past day and find moments that I would like to consciously celebrate. And there are so many of them, each and every day, that I can never number them all. A heart-to-heart conversation with a person on my workshop, a beautiful connection I witness when mediating a conflict, a wonderful spark of love in my conversation with my daughter, the beauty of connection and trust with my wife, a wonderful sunrise I observe when driving down the highway in the morning to lead a training someplace away, a sense of love and happiness in the voice of my father when we speak on the phone… Celebrating the beauty of my kids, of my wife, of so many people around myself, and, yes, the beauty of my-self too.

Yes, there’s so much to celebrate, if I and if we want to.

Just felt like sharing this with you guys.

The book explores the tyranny of positive and optimistic approach of the USA and also some other Western countries. And it touches upon so many issues that I have been having on my mind for quite a while. Namely, in the discourse of this positive approach to life, just about everything has to be seen in positive way. Breaking a leg is way to get some rest. Losing a job is an opportunity! Getting a cancer is a gift! So everything has to be celebrated in this positive way.

Hm.

Does that apply to floods in Pakistan? Were they a gift? Are famines gift? Should people, whose family members have been killed, raped and slaughtered in wars and genocides in Afganistan, Darfur… see it all as an opportunity for growth? And just celebrate?

There really seems to be and more of the demand for the positive approach to everything. You just should be positive and yearn, positively, to be the best, the greatest… Now, researches show that this radically positivistic approach is likely to lead to depression. Because the pressure, the guilt and the feelings of being a failure starts piling up. Because if I am not totally rich and living this perfect life yet, if my cancer did not disappear…, it is just because I was not positive enough. I did not trust Life or God or whatever.

This demand of positivism is seen in the corporate environment often. The perfect team player is considered to be a totally positive person, smiling all the time, never complaining (no no no, only negative people do that!), happily obeying the big boss, agreeing always with the majority in the team… Otherwise they get the label of the negative person: “He’s really NOT a team player…!”

Which leads us to the rule number 2 of positivism (rule number 1 being that you must always be positive, of course). You see, our world consists of the positive (good) and the negative (very bad) people. And if you want the fullness of life you should remove yourself from the negative people, get rid of them (by the way, why not see the negative people through the positive glasses?). Not only you want to distance yourself from the negative people, but also from anything negative. Don’t read news about disasters, don’t think about millions of people in pain, don’t think about the hungry, sick, homeless… Deny it all and happily focus only on the positive, right?

Social and environmental issues do not disturb motivational speakers at motivating you (with shouting, clapping hands, jumping…) and teaching you to think positive and thus attract money, partners, happiness… Go to a dozen sessions like that, and then you will become a motivational speaker, sharing the wisdom and writing books about how to conquer life and be happy in three steps. In you motivational speeches and books you can either cite numerous true accounts from life of other motivational speakers (who are citing yet again other motivational speakers) or you can even start talking about quantum physics (very classy nowadays), even if true quantum physicists are screaming in agony: “This has nothing to do with the quantum psychics!!!” Who cares, just let the money roll.

This model of sharing the positivism runs extremely well in direct marketing networks – attract people with the tales about millions and Ferraris and yachts and then just keep them be positive, attracting many others into being positive too.

Does the above sound like a religion? Bingo! The religious preachers do it too! Just believe, positively, in God and sooner or later he (hey, why not she?) will reward you! Milan Kundera said that the optimism was the opium for people.

If not a religion, than it definitely sounds like an on-going self-hypnosis.  And I would like to start shouting aloud: “Hey, it is OK to be sad. It is OK to feel frustrated, angry, disappointed, mourning, unhappy, regretful, it is OK…!” Because I believe all of this is also the manifestation of life. And I would like to experience the life fully, rather than walk around with the pink glasses glued to my nose.

I so much more prefer the real, authentic, alive you and me.

After I have several times enjoyed Ken Robinson’s brilliant lecture on our present educations systems, I read his book The Element and a short episode he describes there has been on my mind ever since. Robinson describes how he approached an extremely talented keyboard player after a gig in a club, to tell him how much he enjoyed his music and how he would love to be able to play keyboards that well.

“No, you wouldn’t,” the musician responded.

Robinson insisted that he actually really would love to play keyboards.

The musician replied: “No, you just like the idea of playing keyboards. If you’d really love to play them, you’d be doing it.” He himself practiced three to four hours per day, in addition to performing. That made him a good musician, nothing else.

This clear example totally kicked me out of my socks. It is so simple and clear: great musicians are great not because they sit in their armchairs, daydreaming about music, but because they practice all the time. Malcolm Gladwell in his book Outliers claims the magic number is 10.000 hours. This amount of hours of practice turns a mere practitioner into a master, an artist, an expert… Now, to be honest, I don’t think there’s anything I have done for 10.000 hours. Except for breathing.

But still I hear myself saying so many times: “I would really like to play guitar well. Or piano.” No, in fact I wouldn’t! If I really wanted that, I would be playing days and nights and become a great musician in practically no time. “Oh, I would really like to run a full marathon, but, you see, I just don’t have time to train regularly…” Bullshit, if I really wanted to, there would be no way of stopping me and my intention. But I just like the idea of me, a great marathon man, sadly unable to train.

When I worked as a psychotherapist, many years ago, with some world class sportists, it was rather obvious, hearing their stories, what made them sticking out from their national teams. They were far more determined. When their mates were whining and hoping the training to end, they begged the coach to prolong the training, to do more, to practice more…

Also, when working with pretty vast number of people, either when running workshops and trainings or when coaching individuals, I keep noticing there appear to be two main approaches to life, in this regards, that we people take:

• the victim approach: you complain over the circumstances, scream on the passenger’s seat, whine and cry.
• the explorer approach: you research, walk, you fall and you get up, again and again, you sweat and you wipe your forehead and continue running, you try this way and if it doesn’t work, well, you have learned something and you try the other way…

The first is about seeking safety and evidence that nothing can be done, the second is about boldly stepping into the unknown.

The first is about seeking less problems, the second is about seeking more skills.

Yes, it comes down to whether to evolve or whether to not evolve from the stage of a kid writing a wish list to the Father Christmas, on to a stage of a grown up person, making responsible choices and persisting through the uncomfortable parts of the journey.

And, at 44, it appears I need to learn loads of things about manhood. While observing men in all these tavernas and ouzeries, I am learning how the real men behave, in general and towards women. Here are my scientific conclusions so far.

Behaviour of real men – in general

• Real men are serious. They don’t smile and laugh and talk laud. This is what boys do. Real men enter with a serious face, sit with a serious face and leave with a serious face. Think of Clint Eastwood.
• Real men have their gaze fixed somewhere in the distance. When you talk to them, they seem to perceive what you are saying and they give you eye contact now and then, but most of the time they gaze over there into the void, into the dark clouds, into the society… They see what other people cannot. They are aware of what a regular guy is not. And the burden of knowing, seeing, being aware of it all, is heavy. Perhaps this is the reason for serious faces.
• Real men are supportive and they allow everybody to feel good about themselves. They don’t ridicule, they don’t show off, they don’t try to win over you… This is what losers do. Real men don’t need this crap. Their self-confidence is absolute so there’s no need of doing this petty social masturbation. No way! On the contrary, they will graciously help you save your face, maintain your dignity, they will mentor and support you in becoming a real man too.
• Real men don’t play. Play is for children. They don’t swim, they don’t ride bicycles, they don’t run, they don’t do sports. They sit and master life. Sometimes they drive and occasionally they walk. Very slowly.

Behaviour of real men – towards women

• Real men listen to women. A lot! They know women need understanding, acceptance, respect, appreciation and they are happy to provide. So they listen, nod, acknowledge, agree, support. Sometimes they will even smile. Sometimes they will even take their sunglasses off while listening, to make a more obvious eye contact with their deep blue eyes.
• Real men look directly and clearly at women, with appreciation in their eyes. They don’t turn their gaze away, they don’t look secretly. This is what pussies do. Real man show their interest openly yet with dignity and respect. In their presence every woman feels like a goddess herself.
• Real men are fully aware of their own worth when approaching women. They don’t beg, they don’t try to impress. They come, they make an offer and they ride off into the sunset. This is what I learned in another country of real men, Montenegro. While most of us the confused Central Europeans will approach women with the attitude: “I like you, but the question is whether you like me,” the real man’s approach will be:“You like me, but the question is whether I like you”.

Fast flies, slow bugs, big bumblebees and tiny little speedy wasps, deep sounds and high pitches, flying experts and very clumsy ones, those passing in a hurry and a straight line and those sort of strolling around, not sure where to go next…

I mean, what goes on in their minds? Hang on, minds of insects? Well, whatever. There must be a decision making process someplace there. Say a bug flies slowly in a straight line towards the bright future and suddenly drops two metres, then it continues another ten metres in the straight line, then turns sharply right, continues a bit further only to make a u-turn, does some more soaring in this new direction and suddenly lands on a rock. Why all these changes? How does it come to these resolutions? There must be some sort of algorithm going on there?

Or, just yesterday in the evening, as I was sitting inside our van, a huge fly with a lightning speed entered through the side door, made one circle and exited through the same door, to disappear into the sunset. It was less that a one second event, I swear. So, what was going on inside this fly? Seeing a big red van with an open side door somewhere ahead, deciding that it could be worth checking out if there’s any shit worth eating up lying on the floor, entering with full throttle and then in less than a second deciding: “Nah, boring stuff, nothing really, just this stupid human sitting and staring at me, I guess I’ll just leave” and zooming out.

C’mmon, in one second? I would love to be able to make such quick decisions. To scan all the data, process it, decide and make a step.

Hey, has anybody ever try to study the  inner world of insects? Like follow one throughout the day, try to find a pattern there? You know, like following a fly from early in the morning. Like follow her with a camera, when she (let’s just say she is female, OK?) wakes up, does some stretching, licks up her legs a bit (ever noticed flies do that all the time?), flies for three minutes in circles, then sits on the armchair, does some more leg-licking, then flies to the bookshelf…

Do you think I should go and find something useful to do?

PHASE ONE: We wish to know what life is, whether there is any deeper meaning to it and what happens after we die. Because there seems to be no way of knowing it (let’s face it, we can only come up with some interpretations, models, but not with the ultimate truth itself), we choose to believe in a story, a model, an interpretation. Sometimes it is a story about a Supreme Being – called God – which we read about or were told. So, we still don’t know, but we choose to believe in a story. In His-story.

TWO: We find it extremely important to state over and over again, to show it to the whole world, that we chose to believe in this very specific story about this specific Supreme Being, and not in any other stories. So we keep repeating it and seek communion with people that chose to believe in that same story about the same Supreme Being. In that community we feel safe, accepted, loved, connected. It is really nice and cosy.

PHASE THREE: We notice there are people around the world, in fact millions of them, who opted to believe in a different story, a story about another Supreme Being. At least they call him/her with a different name. And we notice also that there are many people around who don’t believe in any story. They just simply don’t believe. Their story is to not believe in stories. We don’t like it because we like to believe that our story is the correct representation of the Truth itself, and so other stories fill us with uneasy feelings. So we resent other stories and we call all these people the non-believers. Because they chose to not believe in “our” story but rather in another story. We believe our story is the only correct one and we believe other stories are wrong and so the non-believers are wrong. We feel they need to be corrected, because it is just wrong to be wrong.

PHASE FOUR: We find it hard to step into other people’s shoes and adopt their point of view, and so we fail to see that from their point of view we are the non-believers and they are the right-believers. We fail to see that from their perspective we are wrong and need to be corrected. We also fail to understand that none of us knows: we only chose to believe in different stories. We also fail to see that our holy books were written by people and so our holy books are just as holy as other holy books are. They were all written by people and are just part of different stories. In other words, this very blog is just as holy as any other holy or un-holy book. A person – inspired in his/her own way – writing his/her story.

PHASE FIVE: Believing that our story is the only right one and our Supreme Being is the only real one, and at the same time believing other stories are wrong and all the non-believers are wrong and thus less worthy, we start correcting them. They – of course – don’t like it. They would prefer correcting us, the non-believers. We don’t like it. We feel threatened. It is our story or theirs! There can only be one story! And it will be our story! Or no story! So it is time to take out the gun and protect our story. And protect our Supreme Being!

Humans are the most intelligent beings on this planet?

Just this morning I remembered the question that GirrafeDancer asked in one of his comments about how I manage all my work, travels, personal life, family life… Well, I am very content to notice that I have made quite a considerable progress in this regards in the last few years. So, this is what works well for me. Having been wrapped up in the question of meaning for the most of my life, this is where I start when thinking about managing my life:

What is most important in my life? What are my core passions, what brings meaning and life to my existence?

In my case and in this period of my life, this would be the answer (random order):

• exploring and understanding life within me and life around me
• providing meaningful contribution to the life of other people, especially in helping them connect and establish true and empathic relationships
• deep, open, inspiring and supporting relationships with my wife and friends
• supporting our kids in them becoming independent, fulfilled, open, empathic, responsible, curious, creative adults
• taking care of my physical and psychological needs and wellbeing

Once I clarify that (and I do it at least once a year), I want to establish

What actions or ways of living would support my core passions?

Here are my own ways:

• In terms of exploring and understanding life within me and around me, Zen meditation, deepening NVC awareness and skills, spending time alone, exploring intercultural communication, exploring group Dialogue process and potentials… Basically it is really about being a happy learner and this is why I will have spent 6 weeks of this year on trainings myself. Besides that, I believe writing this blog also falls into this category.
• Meaningful contribution is linked mainly to my work and so I tend to quit doing things that I don’t find as contributing and I eternally work on focusing and refocusing. So, for instance, I have been introducing and bringing in the trainings I give in business environment more and more of the meaningful and deep stuff – though it may be a bit unusual. Who cares? Business people are people too, with their lives, feelings, fears, needs, hopes…, so let’s talk about that. And I try to devote more of my time to projects like Talk Together.” Not to mention the book about establishing a dialogue with kids, that is being edited just now. With possibly more to come.
• Relationships – with my beautiful wife it comes down to spending a lot of quality time together, but also to work on deepening our relationship. Similarly I keep asking myself: which friends do I really find mutually inspiring, enriching and enjoyable to be with and how do I want to spend time with them?
• Kids: Aged between 15 and 19, it is on the one hand very obvious that soon they will be away living their own lives and so that the time is sort of running out. And on the other hand I need to work harder on exploring, together with them, strategies about how they would also enjoy being with me.
• •My own physical and psychological wellbeing? Well, sleep, nutrition and physical exercise is the thing that supports it on the physical level, having time on my own and also having nurturing and easy time with my wife proves to be crucial as well.
• Before making these ideas more specific, I also want to

Identify and cross out the life-wasters

since they don’t support my passions whatsoever and leave me empty, tired and frustrated at the end. Some things that I have in large extend successfully crossed out already are:

• watching  TV, reading just about everything in the newspapers and yellow press, spending hours with people on talking about not-alive and not-inspiring stuff, shopping, browsing internet and filling my mind with all that’s there (still need to work on this one… )…

From the wish-list to a specific plan

Now it is all about bringing it down to specific actions and breaking it down to quarterly, monthy, weekly and daily scheduling . Otherwise I will just keep copypasting this wish list every January 1. So, what am I going to do, when, how, with what resources, what needs to be my first step…

Support, monitoring, measuring, celebrating

Since I have learned in my life that lofty plans tend to remain in the air because that mind is weak, I pay attention to how to put them in practice. I have paired up with my good friend and we write monthly reports to each other about how we are doing with our plans (thus supporting each other in keeping up with them), I have monthly plans and weekly schedules posted above my desk, I have reminders in my electronic calendar…

And yes, to celebrate even the little steps seems to be an important and inspiring thing, so just now I again celebrate how much I have learned and experienced in the last five years of my life. Not everything is perfect in the sense that it would be according to my wildest dreams, but, at the same time, there’s absolutely nothing to complain about.

I remember two old-style British ladies that I meet at the top of a high in the port of Barcelona. It was a very small observing platform at the top, the wind was strong and we were swinging back and forth considerably. The first lady said with a worried voice: “Jane, this thing is definitely not stable!”

And lady Jane’s brilliant answer was: “It is stable ENOUGH, Ruth!”

Yes, in the same way I believe my life is absolutely perfect enough

You see, Eric Clapton’s gig I almost forgot already. As if it never happened. Nothing to write home about. On the other hand, Pat Metheny’s concert will probably remain in my memory as one of the best concerts I saw, right next to Bobby McFerrin a few years back.

The difference was not in the quality of playing, the quality of musicians. That was absolutely superb in both cases – Eric Clapton as well as Pat Metheny did their job flawless and we were observing and listening to perfection. The difference was in emotional connection (or lack of it), I would say, in the human bond between us.

Eris Clapton and his band seemed to be absolutely locked in their separated world and I did not observe any true effort being made on their side to bridge the gap. They came on the stage, Eric said something like: “Nice to be back in Belgrade after 30 years…nice city…” and that was about it. Then they played their songs and that was it. There seemed to be no communication in between them and no communication with us. He did not bother to introduce other musicians and back-vocalists, did not say anything but a short “thank you” after each song and we were worlds apart. The audience on one side and the musicians on the other. Even they seemed to be each in her or his own world. Perhaps Eric tries a bit harder when in Madison Square Garden or Wembley, but 17.000 people that bought expensive tickets, to my mind, deserve a bit more respect. I still like Eric Clapton’s songs, but that concert left me pretty empty emotionally, though it was technically perfect.

Pat Metheny was so different. He also did not talk very much, but he did communicate with other musicians, introduced them, drew attention of audience on them… And the most important was that we, the audience, felt all the time that the musicians were fully in the interaction with us, they were giving themselves, they were entering our worlds and opening up theirs. There was togetherness going on, a community in a way. We, the audience, were of course appreciating their music, but they were obviously appreciating our presence and our appreciation.  We were emotionally together, sometimes nervous, sometimes happy, sometimes excited, sometimes touched.

Yes, there was a mutuality going on there, a free flow of giving and receiving, playfulness, relationship, emotional connection. And that was what made a huge difference, not the speed of fingers on the guitar alone.

It always seems to really be about that, doesn’t it? The genuine connection.

The best way for me to describe it all would be to say that, upon exploring some feelings within myself, I suddenly perceived/saw/experienced my inner world as it is. For a brief moment at least, that is. And it was so clear and vivid that what I normally experience as my inner world truly is not my inner world, but rather a very very simplified portrait of it. My inner world (and I guess this applies to pretty much everybody on this planet) is just not like a storage place full of categories, you know, feelings here on the left, thoughts on the right, needs over there in the back and values in between, and a bit to the left. Some feelings being red and others green (or whatever), some needs intense and others less strong, with some parts of myself being beautiful and others sad and painful.

It is really just not like that at all. The inner world is completely amorphous, shapeless, with no categories at all. So, when I look inwardly and try to sense what is going on within I actually, with my old-fashioned primitively-constructed human mind, create some simple categories and try to squeeze the amorphous “content” into them, so that I can make some intellectual sense out of it and finally, not being able to communicate more subtly and directly, put it into concepts to get it across to you. Saying this is how I feel, this is what I need, this feeling is annoying and that need it beautiful… But it is actually none of that.

I guess this is why the old saints and enlightened people meant by calling it Sunyata, the great emptiness, the ultimate void. Not meaning that there is no content at all within us, but rather that there are no categories, no distinctions, no forms and shapes. Just the amorphous… I guess what they meant was that when we finally wake up, the shadows from Plato’s cave melt away just in the same way as our dreams disappear when we wake up.

Now, of course, to try to understand the amorphous inner world with our narrow dualistic minds and even to describe it…, is but a joke.

So, the more I try to sense it all, the more I feel that my awareness (hm, now, that’s a funny category just waiting there to be torn apart, doesn’t it ) is residing somewhere on the some sort of an Event Horizon; black hole of the inner world on the inside, with nothing being able to come out in it’s pure shape. Once our mind claims to have understood it, this means that it has definitely not understood it at all. And the same applies to our attempts to perceive the so-called outer universe on the outside.

Our minds struggle with categorizing and “understanding” them both, but really just juggling hopelessly with meaningless interpretations and maps.

So, I guess this means that it does not make much sense to take anything that we perceive too seriously. Because it is the definition of a heavy distortion.

Now, this sounds like a fun life to live, doesn’t it?