A different kind of a communication training

My wife went to a high-profile communication trainer’s presentation, out of curiosity, to see what other people emphasise about communication and how they do it. She came home in a state of shock. This guy – the communication expert – was preaching that communication was a war, a struggle and that it was all about being better and stronger than the other one, that it was all about getting to a higher ground, having power over the other in order to finally crush them down. And win the battle. While preaching this, he was, with his superior rhetoric abilities, humiliating people in audience who dared to ask questions, making fun out of people not present, using the losers – winners distinction all the time… He was the absolute winner, of course.

When my wife described the scene to me, I was in a state of shock too. Wait a minute; this is what this communication trainer is teaching? That it is all about fighting, winning over, crushing down? I understand communication as coming together, you know, the communion, connecting, achieving understanding and then working together on finding the ways for meeting everybody’s needs, for cooperation and coexistence… And, pardon me; this is what I teach at my communication trainings.

Up to now I was living in a romantic world, I can see. I believed that every communication trainer saw communication, more or less, in the very similar way: connecting, getting together, and achieving understanding. I believed every conflict-resolution trainer perceived conflict resolution within a basic framework: achieving true understanding and respect of each other’s needs and values, then working together on finding strategies that will meet everybody’s needs. I believed we lived in the same world. How naive, how very naive of me.

I will continue teaching what I believe communication is all about, of course. But I will be less surprised when observing political arena in which everybody speaks and nobody ever listens. Because I will know that they have been taught, by their high class communication trainers, to attack, to humiliate, to make fun out of… They were trained to not listen, to not understand, to not move and to not be influenced. They were trained to fight and to win over.

I will understand that they are just being good students.

And then I will continue my fight with the windmills.

Barely surviving, aren’t we?

So here I am, facilitating the conflict resolution part of this two week Talk Together project of bringing together people from Western Sahara conflict zone, from the so-called forgotten conflict, hearing and taking in personal accounts and stories about lives spent in refugee camps in Tindouf, about regular beatings and abuse from authorities in the occupied territory, about the sad and painful lives of hundreds of thousands of people, generation after generation.

And it strucks me every day and every hour that people who share these stories do not use any of the dramatic or complaining language, even while telling us to what little amounts their food and water supply is being limited… They speak with pride, openness, incredible love and inner peace, not even hatred towards the people somewhere in some government palaces, playing their power games at their expense.

Yet, in our privileged Western world with warm houses, streets, water, money, shops, electricity, education, hospitals and all the abundance of luxury…, we tend to use the survivalistic language all the time: “Oh, my life is so hard, I don’t know where my head is, I am barely surviving, I am struggling along, only just managing somehow…” Standing in front of a packed wardrobe, crying: “I have nothing to wear!” Staring in the full refrigerator: “There’s nothing edible in there.” Complaining for not being provided the perfect service by the society, government, family or whoever else, all the time. Feeling that the whole world is against us and we, poor beings, just don’t know what to do.

Sometimes just being aware of our western jaded narcissistic culture makes me feel sick. It all seems to be so egoistic; it is all about our own happiness, it is all about our own fulfilment and if we are not in a constant state of material and physical bliss, we dramatize it so darn much, feeling what great heroes we must be to manage to survive. Doing our best to deny the world out there, pretending it is too far and out of the reach, pretending we have nothing to do with them.

Yeah, our lives are so dramatically tough, aren’t they?

Humbled

The day started well. I was looking forward to leading a workshop for Bosnian volunteer organisation that is supporting Bosnian immigrants. I felt I was going to do a good, meaningful contribution. But only after an hour or so into the workshop I realized this was not going to be just another conflict resolution workshop.

You see, with me in the room were people that have gone through it all during the Bosnian war. Members of their families were killed, their friends were raped, their neighbours were slaughtered, their houses burned down… This was not going to be a workshop in which I would be cracking my jokes and be a star. These were people that faced the aspects of life I know absolutely nothing about.

I have never experienced the horrors of war. Nothing worth mentioning ever happened to me in my life; except of the petty events I like to inflate a bit in order to impress people in my self-promoting attempts. No member of my family was hurt or killed. I know about the world of horror, pain and suffering merely from the TV and newspapers, books and other people’s stories. I take as much of that as I am comfortable with, and the rest I happily deny.

So there I was, a successful, well-off, happy person washing my conscience by giving a pro-bono workshop, feeling good about myself. Oh, what a good person I am, indeed. And I was talking about nonviolence to the members of the most nonviolent minded nation I know. I was talking about the nature of a conflict to people who have gone through much bigger conflict that I am even capable of comprehending. And, frankly, I knew what they have gone through, but I was afraid to ask. I was afraid to mention. I was afraid to hear. I was a chicken and I wanted to play it safe, avoid the painful stuff, pretend it is not there.

Yet, throughout the day I was surrounded with their warmth, love, respect, appreciation, acceptance. I felt totally accepted in this beautiful family, with endless love, patience and understanding. One part of me felt great about this, the other felt small, dirty, unworthy.

I feel like an ignorant, spoiled child that knows nothing about life.

At least I am aware of that. So the day ended well.

Definitely not a fast learner

It is pretty embarrassing. To begin to understand something I have been teaching others for about two decades or so. You see, I have been preaching all over the place how extremely important it is to firstly understand each other fully, before you even think of trying to make a deal, an agreement, a strategy to resolve a conflict and to then proceed. I have been teaching all that time that it is really essential to genuinely wish to understand the other person first; if you ever want to reach an understanding and resolve a conflict.

And just during the last couple of weeks I finally started to get this myself too. In a way, I am understanding myself finally.

I am just beginning to comprehend that it does not make any sort of a sense to even open my mouth unless I have a clear and sincere desire to simply connect with another person, to just connect with what they are feeling, how they are perceiving this life, what is hurting them, what is motivating them. Unless I have this genuine intention to step in their shoes and listen, understand and empathise with their world, it is far better to keep my mouth shut and to walk away for the time being. And perhaps come back later.

Because as long as I want to change others, as long as I want to fix them, make them understand, make them see, make them realize that they are wrong and that I am right, as long as I try to prove my point and have it my way, they will resist. They will not feel understood, they will not feel respected, they will not feel accepted… They will in fact feel violated, pushed away and they will resist. Fight. And I can easily understand them, since I don’t like to be pushed around and be told that I am wrong, that my perception is wrong, that my feelings are wrong. When I am being treated this way my motivation to communicate truly goes downhill.

Although I know it on the rational level, it is so damn difficult to put in practice the knowledge that it is never about who is right and who is wrong. Conflict never resolve at this stage – they just get suppressed and postponed. Yet I like to jump, especially when emotionally involved, right into it, proving how right I am and how wrong the other person is. You know, firstly to climb on a higher ground, obtain a superior position and then, and only then, start talking. But who will want to talk to me then, after I have built these walls?

So, right now, after these intense realizations I have had in the last few weeks, I want to imprint it in my brain, tattoo it all over my hands so that I can see it all the time and not forget about it tomorrow when communicating with my kids or wife or whoever: “Firstly connect with them, with what they are perceiving, what they are feeling, what their needs are… You don’t have to agree upon anything, just understand, empathise and create a genuine, open, sincere connection with a human being over there.”

After this it is all much easier.

Unlearning violence

Today I have worked with that group of school-kids again and reached another revealing and sad realization. Until today I have lived in an illusion that I was helping them to learn how to resolve conflicts in their life. I sincerely believed that was what I was doing. And today I have realized I was light-years from even beginning with this task. Because they have already learned how to resolve conflicts in their life.

They have been trained, with all means, and literally conditioned into resolving conflicts in a violent way. Through their parents and most of the adults in their life they have learned that the strongest prevail and that to use your power over the weaker is the way to proceed in life. This is what their parents and teachers and adults have showing them all along. Through stories, movies, tv-shows, computer games and modern myths they have learned that the most powerful one wins, they have learned that violence brings satisfaction to the winner and that winning over others fundamentally resolves conflicts. Life is a competition, life is a war and so you must fight! They have already learned that and they know this is the case. So the learning process is, as far as they are concerned, successfully accomplished.

The natural cause of events would mean that after a couple of decades they would, after hitting the wall a couple of times really hard, realize that it may be a good idea to try to interact with their spouses, kids, friends, relatives in a more nonviolent manner because things only work when the needs of everybody involved get met. And after yet another couple of decades they would start to think that it may not be such a bad idea after all to try to interact non-violently with EVERYBODY. And by the time they finally learn how to do that, most people die.

So when I want to present a less violent and more emphatic approach to communication and conflict to them, I must be sounding like trying to sell them some childish fairly tales and cheap science fiction.

It seems to me that what I am actually trying to accomplish with them is to invite them to open up to the possibility that the fairy tale is actually true. I am telling them: “Yes, yes, it is very possible and easy to walk through walls. Please, try it now…” I am trying to have them unlearn their violent strategies they have been learning the through all of their lives. How can I ever accomplish that with a one hour session every fortnight when they have been receiving further training in violent approaches through all the channels all the time in between? Oh boy, oh boy.

While listening to my whining tonight for a good hour, my beautiful NVC friend and mentor uttered the most meaningful words for me today: “Robert, just observing you, an adult, spending hours after hours with them and coping with all the chaos in the classroom in a strictly nonviolent manner, is a very strong and important learning experience for them.”

I so much hope this was true.

The Responsibility of Parenting

A couple of days ago I came home from Norway where I was giving another Conflict resolution training to students at the Red Cross Nordic United World College. Working with eager kids from literally all over the world is such a breeze and immense inspiration for me after loads of workshops and trainings given in the business environment. With the absolutely serene nature around being a cream at the top.

On the other hand, it always brings up quite some memories and emotions from within me. Not only does it strike me that my kids are already of this college age (therefore I am not as young as I like thinking I am), during the training and working on questions of needs, free choice, inner conflicts, inner obstacles, lack of self confidence etc, students come in touch with some deeper realms of their beings. And when they come to see me in the breaks to share some intimate problems they have, seeking empathy and support, I am always touched by the fragility of us, human beings, on the one hand, and with the amount of burden they already carry around with them at their age, on the other.

From a certain point of view it is really sad to see how deeply they (and all of us, of course) were shaped by the countless influences from their social environment, starting with their parents, families, schooling system and the culture as whole. As Foucault would have said (I guess), the individual is so utterly manufactured within the discourse of the culture and social environment that we can hardly speak of anything like an individual at all.

From the day 0 our children are left at the mercy of all almost omnipotent adults around, bossing them around and pre-shaping them, willingly or unwillingly, in all sorts of directions. And this process continues on a daily basis, for years after years, forcing them to hyper produce strategies to emotionally survive.

Now, the scary part for me right now is the fact that I am shaping my kids as I write this – and have been doing it all along the way. Thousands of to me seemingly unimportant events and hundreds of those that even I can see as important have left piles of scars and wounds, without me even being aware of them. From their most early childhood my words and my silence, my actions and my non-actions, kept creating certain confusions, fears, pain and so directed their inner emotional life in certain directions. Yes, I also have given them love and support and respect and all of that, as much as I could and probably above average, however this does not change the amount of the painful impact I have caused. And does not provide me with much comfort.

Couple of months back when I realized the amount of love I have, completely ignorant of that, withheld from my kids, my heart almost fell apart. All those years have seemingly rushed by like a tornado and soon they will be leaving home, off into the world and into their independent lives, with all the luggage they will be taking away and having to struggle with for the rest of their lives.

Little did I know about the responsibility of parenting when, many years ago, the idea of having a child or two seemed like a very nice, easy and romantic one.

The wonder of my needs

I had a most amazing realization an hour or so ago and just need to share it with somebody. And since I am the only one awake in the house at the moment and nobody seems to be available on Skype, here I go.

I have just attended a telecourse with Robert Gonzales, another Nonviolent Communication teacher. My first astonishment was about how amazingly effective and even mind blowing can a two-hour telecourse with around 50 people from all over the world actually be. Yet a much deeper realization was in regards to the content itself. I hope I will be able to make this short account understandable also to those not too familiar with the NVC terminology (however, if you are interested you may want to have a look at the three short films of Marshall Rosenberg, the founder of the NVC, explaining the very basics of it).

Anyway, nonviolent communication has a lot to do with getting in touch with our unmet needs and expressing them in a clear enough way so that the other person can receive it. In my everyday perception of my unmet needs the very awareness of them is normally accompanied by a certain amount of frustration and even anger. I do get in touch with my unmet need for acceptance and understanding, in an event of a recent conflict with my wife for instance, however I also feel frustration because this need is being unmet and a stubborn tendency within myself to persuade the other person to meet it. Therefore I seem to be circling in endless circles. With every new need that I am able to become aware of and to express it, another one pops up.

So tonight, while doing various exercises on this telecourse and going again and again over a specific event from couple of days ago, Robert Gonzales encouraged us to really sink into our needs, explore them and get in deep touch with them, get in tune with them rather than just simply become aware of them and tick them off: “Yeah yeah, this is my need for acceptance and there sits my need for understanding…” And when, through a series of exercises, I really got in tune with my need (in my case it was primarily the need for acceptance), several amazing things happened.

The first one was that I, completely experiencing my need for acceptance, slowly became very peaceful, content and fulfilled. All the restlessness, frustration and anger disappeared on a rather deep level. Not only this, I started to feel so much more alive. As if this need of mine suddenly ceased to be a deficiency and a inner contraction, but rather my connection with life, aliveness in me. Beautiful!

The next amazing thing that happened was that my urge to get this need of mine across, to communicate it to other person and to somehow persuade this person to do something about it (or at least start feeling guilty for not doing anything about it, ha ha), well, this urge of mine disappeared. I did not need anybody to do anything about it anymore and I was not angry at anybody anymore.

The last and perhaps the most miraculous thing for me was to notice that empathy spontaneously yet unmistakably started to grow in me, an empathy toward that person who was not giving me acceptance in the first place! What a shift in my mind. Yet completely natural.

It sounds too easy to be true, but right now it seems to me that 50 % of my difficulties in relationships would be long gone had I learned to focus on experiencing my needs rather than on the issue of whether my needs were being met by other people or not, subtly demanding them to meet them.

Hey folks, life keeps surprising me big time.