I have had this inner experience before, but never was the sight so clear and the level of what I have managed to grasp with my mind so deep and breathtaking. I actually had the experience in May in Germany on an intense retreat with Robert Gonzales, but the realizations are still arising and penetrating my awareness.
The best way for me to describe it all would be to say that, upon exploring some feelings within myself, I suddenly perceived/saw/experienced my inner world as it is. For a brief moment at least, that is. Suddenly it was so clear that what I normally perceive as my inner world is in fact not my inner world, but rather a very very simplified portrait of it. My inner world (and I guess this applies to pretty much everybody on this planet) is just not like a storage place full of categories, you know, feelings here on the left, thoughts on the right, needs over there in the back and values in between, and a bit to the left. Some feelings being red and others green (or whatever), some needs intense and others less strong, with some parts of myself being beautiful and others sad and painful.
It is just not like that at all. The inner world is completely amorphous, shapeless, with no categories at all. So, when I look inwardly and try to sense what is going on within, I actually, with my old-fashioned primitively-constructed human mind, create some simple categories and try to squeeze the amorphous “content” into them, so that I can make some intellectual sense out of it and finally, not being able to communicate more subtly and directly, put it into concepts to get it across to you. Saying this is how I feel, this is what I need, this feeling is annoying and that need it beautiful… But it is actually none of that.
I guess this is why the old saints and enlightened people meant by calling it Sunyata, the great emptiness, the ultimate void. Not meaning that there is no content at all within us, but rather that there are no categories, no distinctions, no forms and shapes. Just the amorphous… I guess what they meant was that when we finally wake up, the shadows from Plato’s cave melt away just in the same way as our dreams disappear when we wake up.
Now, of course, to try to understand the amorphous inner world with our narrow dualistic minds and even to describe it…, is but a joke.
So, the more I try to sense it all, the more I feel that my awareness (hm, now, that’s a funny category just waiting there to be torn apart, doesn’t it ) is residing somewhere on some sort of an Event Horizon; black hole of the inner world on the inside, with nothing being able to come out in it’s pure shape. Once our mind claims to have understood it, this means that it has definitely not understood it at all. And the same applies to our attempts to perceive the so-called outer universe on the outside.
Our minds struggle with categorizing and “understanding” them both, and ultimately always end up just juggling hopelessly with meaningless interpretations and maps.
So, I guess this means that it does not make much sense to take anything that we perceive too seriously. Because it is never but a heavy distortion.
Now, this sounds like a fun life to live, doesn’t it?