The Edge of the Amorphous

I have had this inner experience before, but never was the sight so clear and the level of what I have managed to grasp with my mind, so deep and breathtaking. I actually had the experience in May in Germany on an intense retreat with Robert Gonzales, but the realizations are still arising and penetrating my awareness.

The best way for me to describe it all would be to say that, upon exploring some feelings within myself, I suddenly perceived/saw/experienced my inner world as it is. For a brief moment at least, that is. And it was so clear and vivid that what I normally experience as my inner world truly is not my inner world, but rather a very very simplified portrait of it. My inner world (and I guess this applies to pretty much everybody on this planet) is just not like a storage place full of categories, you know, feelings here on the left, thoughts on the right, needs over there in the back and values in between, and a bit to the left. Some feelings being red and others green (or whatever), some needs intense and others less strong, with some parts of myself being beautiful and others sad and painful.

It is really just not like that at all. The inner world is completely amorphous, shapeless, with no categories at all. So, when I look inwardly and try to sense what is going on within I actually, with my old-fashioned primitively-constructed human mind, create some simple categories and try to squeeze the amorphous “content” into them, so that I can make some intellectual sense out of it and finally, not being able to communicate more subtly and directly, put it into concepts to get it across to you. Saying this is how I feel, this is what I need, this feeling is annoying and that need it beautiful… But it is actually none of that.

I guess this is why the old saints and enlightened people meant by calling it Sunyata, the great emptiness, the ultimate void. Not meaning that there is no content at all within us, but rather that there are no categories, no distinctions, no forms and shapes. Just the amorphous… I guess what they meant was that when we finally wake up, the shadows from Plato’s cave melt away just in the same way as our dreams disappear when we wake up.

Now, of course, to try to understand the amorphous inner world with our narrow dualistic minds and even to describe it…, is but a joke.

So, the more I try to sense it all, the more I feel that my awareness (hm, now, that’s a funny category just waiting there to be torn apart, doesn’t it ) is residing somewhere on the some sort of an Event Horizon; black hole of the inner world on the inside, with nothing being able to come out in it’s pure shape. Once our mind claims to have understood it, this means that it has definitely not understood it at all. And the same applies to our attempts to perceive the so-called outer universe on the outside.

Our minds struggle with categorizing and “understanding” them both, but really just juggling hopelessly with meaningless interpretations and maps.

So, I guess this means that it does not make much sense to take anything that we perceive too seriously. Because it is the definition of a heavy distortion.

Now, this sounds like a fun life to live, doesn’t it?

A good life and a good death

A week ago my mother-in-law suddenly passed away. No warning, no disease, nothing – just suddenly she was gone. Brain stroke, unconsciousness, death.

Two feelings were immediately present in us and still are. First is an immense void. You see, she was a simple lady and she was all about giving, caring, providing. She was not a front-person, but rather worked in the background, guessing our needs and taking care of them, cooking, baking, cleaning, and filling our car trunk with her home-grown vegetables and fruits whenever we came to visit. Always with a gentle and loving smile on her face.  She enjoyed giving so much. And now, with her not being around anymore, we stare in disbelief; such a vast void is left after she and her loving care is gone.

And the other feeling that has been present is a peaceful one, a sort of a relief actually, knowing that this was the best way for her to go. She left while still in a very good health, with no suffering and pain, knowing that her two kids were happy with their lives, knowing that her grandchildren were doing great. She left while being in a loving and trusting relationship with her husband. And, what is perhaps the most important thing – she knew she was being loved by us all. It was impossible not to love her and half of the town was on her funeral. Some people drove for seven hours to be there. We cried for days after her death and I believe all these tears were love pouring through.

Death is not an unfortunate and tragic event. It is an inevitable part of our existence, a part of life so to say.

Her life was a good life and her death was a good one.

Thank you for all you love, Rozi. You loved so well.

Bon Voyage!

If the almighty cannot protect you…

When in Rome in December, we visited the Vatican City. Kids wanted to see the venue of Angels and Demons, and, well, I wanted to see the place too, the place of an immense power and impact on the human history. While walking around the place, with my head full of rebellious thoughts about the blood gold and about the need for God, I was struck with the size of the protective walls around the Vatican City. They are huge, enormous, thick… The whole place looks like a fortress. The fortress protecting the Pope and his headquarters from…, well…, from enemy I guess?

Now, I understand that every human being, along with Pope and members of Catholic clergy, has a need for safety, physical as well as emotional.

But if the main representatives and servants of the Almighty God, surrendered to his will and absolutely trusting in his almightiness, need additional protection, then I guess we are all in trouble.

Happily juggling and balancing between connecting and disconnecting

You know, I could easily get used to a life like the one I am having for the past few days, being on my seven-day retreat in solitude on the out-of-the-tourist-season Adriatic coast. With our van, of course. Sunny days, calm sea, nobody around (except for a few cats and two or three little fishing boats slowly passing by each day)… The beauty of it all lies in the possibility to simply follow my needs, from one moment to another. Meaning that I sleep a lot, eat when hungry, sit and stare into the horizon for as long as it feels good, do some stretching on the beach when my body desires so, climb my bicycle when my blood feels like moving a bit faster… Sounds like pure Zen, now that I think of it. The absence of pressures, obligations, responsibilities, should and shouldn’ts is just so liberating.

One big part of me totally enjoys this, yet a small part of me misses being with people that I love and longs for reconnecting with them. And, when I am home or when I work, a big part of me enjoys the contact and the connection with people, yet a small part yearns for solitude.

There seems to be this eternal inner conflict, or rather a discrepancy between the two tensions: the first one is to relate, to connect, to have love and friendship and communion and all of that with other human beings, and the other is to back away from everybody and just be free, spontaneous, autonomous, self-caring. Connection means relationship and it limits freedom. Freedom brings isolation and limits connection.

It does not seem to me that one would need to choose between the two (what a relief, actually ). But it does seem that both clusters of needs are of a crucial importance – perhaps not for everybody, but I dare to say that for many of us.

I am happy to notice that I am really in a somewhat ideal position regarding this matter. Through my wife and kids as well as through the work I do I get all the connection and communion I can ever need or wish for.  No needs unmet there, no frustration whatsoever. On the other hand, when I need to go somewhere away and be alone, I again have all support possible. Kids are totally cool with it, and my wife, my dearest wife, she is so supportive that I am afraid I will never be able to equally reciprocate.

But I do need to be careful while juggling with these needs: be with myself, be with my wife, be with my kids, be with my friends, try to do a meaningful contribution through my work… If I start neglecting one, I soon start feeling entrapped, frustrated… It is really all about balance, isn’t? Juggling and balancing, this is what personal growth seems to be about.

It was me & kids a few weeks ago, now it is me & myself, and we already plan to do a me & my wife weekend off soon… And in between I work a bit, which covers the me & everybody part.

Life’s not that complicated, after all.

My New Year’s Resolutions actualy work!

For many years my New Year’s Resolutions were mostly a joke. Something I kept copy-pasting from the previous Januarys to the present ones – again and again: I want to take care of my body and health, be more proactive, improve this relationship and cancel that one, start this and finish that… And the copy-pasting ritual was actually frustrating, starting my New Years with the thoughts about what a failure I was.

Finally I realized I needed to become more specific with my resolutions and split them up into smaller and achievable steps, something I would be able to do on a weekly or even daily basis. I also realized I wanted to clearly measure and evaluate my progress as I moved, in order to be able to react on time and introduce the adjustments needed. And I also realized I needed electronic reminders as well as human support, coaching, that would keep my intention alive, so that I would not waste even more time falling into the same traps as always: forgetting it all, being just too lazy to climb out of automatisms…

So now I have the system that works for me:

1. At the beginning of the year I go through the last year, celebrate achievements and think about what I want to work on next. I think about my needs that I kept neglecting, I think about my core values that I want my life to be aligned with, I think about what kind of person I want to be and what kind of life do I want to live… I try to see as complete picture as I can, taking my existence as seriously as possible.
2. Then I split it all up according to different realms of my life: physical, spiritual, life inspiration and meaning, relationship with my wife, relationships with our kids, other relationships, my work… In each realm of my life I write down where I want to move and what I want to do in order to be more fulfilled.
3. Then I talk it all over with my wife, we compare our intentions and talk about how we can support each other and how we actually WILL support each other.
4. Then I split all these intentions of mine into monthly, weekly and daily plans. I print it out (for every month, as they come) in the form of a complex table, and post it on the wall right next to my computer in my office so that it bites me in my face non-stop.
5. Afterwards I tell it all to my friend (and he tells me about his plans). He is my free coach and I am his. It’s fun.
6. And then the most important thing begins: with a thick red marker I tick off every thing that I complete, for every day, for every week, for every month. The blank spaces painfully remind me that I have not done what I wanted in order to have a more fulfilled life.
7. At the beginning of every month I send to my friend (and he does the same to me) a report about how I have been doing through the previous months. Since it is rather embarrassing to say I have not done anything, it motivates me to actually do more than I would have otherwise. When we see the other one is not reaching his own goals, we open this up and offer more support in dealing with the issue. Helps keeping focus incredibly.
8. I sit down with my wife very regularly and we talk about whether we are progressing in the ways we would love. Do we live according to our values and needs? Do we progress towards where our passions are…? Do we drive our lives or are we being driven by them?

So it is basically all about stopping often, checking the direction and the pace, observing and measuring and evaluating, refocusing… In a way, it is anything but forgetting it all until the next January.

And it works, it really works and I am very happy to look back over the last year and see that I have moved considerably. Physically I feel better (not every moment of the year was like this), my body is more in shape, more healthy… There’s still work to be done on providing my body with more sleep on the regular basis. An hour more per day would be great. Sounds really a petty thing, but it influences the whole of my life pretty much, my well-being, my relationships…

My relationship with my wife is great, doing better and better actually, especially after some breakthrough moments at the NVC training in Greece in September. There will be more of this in the coming year and I am already looking forward to this.

I am also happy with my relationship with all three of our teenagers – not the easiest thing to deal with, as you can imagine, but there is trust, openness, respect, love, easiness, support and open flow of communication. And relating to them is truly enjoyable and fulfilling most of the time. I managed to have quite some quality time with them this year, at home as well as abroad… And I have a vicious plan for the next year – to drag them into the nature. Will see how this works out.

Inspiration: hey, there’s loads of this nowadays, I have been involved in so many inspiring events, especially in regards to NVC, Zen, Dialogue Process, Intercultural Communication and all the notes from these events will take me a whole week to sort them out and bring them down to Earth. And, hey, we wrote a book and it is going to be published in a few months time.

And, the most important thing for me, the question of meaning; things are definitely moving in this area and I am slowly moving towards doing more ultimately meaningful things…

So, my New Year’s Resolutions are already forming and I am already celebrating the fact that they will improve my life even more.

This sounds weird – I am celebrating today that I will be happier tomorrow. Sounds like the ultimate definition of optimism…

A different kind of a communication training

My wife went to a high-profile communication trainer’s presentation, out of curiosity, to see what other people emphasise about communication and how they do it. She came home in a state of shock. This guy – the communication expert – was preaching that communication was a war, a struggle and that it was all about being better and stronger than the other one, that it was all about getting to a higher ground, having power over the other in order to finally crush them down. And win the battle. While preaching this, he was, with his superior rhetoric abilities, humiliating people in audience who dared to ask questions, making fun out of people not present, using the losers – winners distinction all the time… He was the absolute winner, of course.

When my wife described the scene to me, I was in a state of shock too. Wait a minute; this is what this communication trainer is teaching? That it is all about fighting, winning over, crushing down? I understand communication as coming together, you know, the communion, connecting, achieving understanding and then working together on finding the ways for meeting everybody’s needs, for cooperation and coexistence… And, pardon me; this is what I teach at my communication trainings.

Up to now I was living in a romantic world, I can see. I believed that every communication trainer saw communication, more or less, in the very similar way: connecting, getting together, and achieving understanding. I believed every conflict-resolution trainer perceived conflict resolution within a basic framework: achieving true understanding and respect of each other’s needs and values, then working together on finding strategies that will meet everybody’s needs. I believed we lived in the same world. How naive, how very naive of me.

I will continue teaching what I believe communication is all about, of course. But I will be less surprised when observing political arena in which everybody speaks and nobody ever listens. Because I will know that they have been taught, by their high class communication trainers, to attack, to humiliate, to make fun out of… They were trained to not listen, to not understand, to not move and to not be influenced. They were trained to fight and to win over.

I will understand that they are just being good students.

And then I will continue my fight with the windmills.

The right to need

I had a strong yet very liberating insight just an hour or so ago. Talking with a good friend of mine about how certain circumstances and events from my childhood affected my persona and how I am still, somewhere within the depths of my mind, carrying with me automatisms and patterns of thinking from that time, I suddenly realized that I had, in my childhood as well as later, almost never really expressed my needs. My needs have been very much kept locked up and suppressed for most of my life.

I can remember shutting down, bit by bit, every time my expression of a need was being met by an evaluation. When, as a child, I expressed I needed some respect, I was being told that not only I was not good enough to get respect, but that I was not good enough to even have the right to need respect. I was not important enough to even have the right to need attention, let alone to get it. I never worked enough to have the right to need rest.

Yes, it really seemed that one firstly needed to gain the right to have needs. And I did not seem to have succeeded in gaining this right. So I learned to not have needs.

After internalizing this in a form of a heavy duty self-evaluation, I soon found myself fully judging my needs as a sign of weakness and dependency. I thought having needs was utterly immature and unspiritual. I learned to even feel guilty for having needs, since this was so selfish. You know, how can I even think of talking about my own needs, when there is so much suffering everywhere.

Yes, sometimes it is so darn hard to just allow myself to feel my needs and just let them be, without trying to suppress them, fix them, evaluate them, sort them out, manipulate them…

Oh well, oh well…

After this realization I now feel incredibly content and have a good deal of clarity inside my being. Yes, I have had needs in my past and these needs were often totally ignored, denied, neglected and not even considered at all. Both, by me and by others. And consequentially I felt lonely, very very lonely.

And I have a lot of needs now. For acceptance, freedom, appreciation, autonomy, celebration, meaning, consideration, sexual expression, peace, trust, understanding, joy, rest, relaxation… Right now, having all these needs seems not only OK, but actually beautiful.

Needs I am having seem to be the most alive aspect of me.

The proof of me being alive.