The right to need

I had a strong yet very liberating insight just an hour or so ago. Talking with a good friend of mine about how certain circumstances and events from my childhood affected my persona and how I am still, somewhere within the depths of my mind, carrying with me automatisms and patterns of thinking from that time, I suddenly realized that I had, in my childhood as well as later, almost never really expressed my needs. My needs have been very much kept locked up and suppressed for most of my life.

I can remember shutting down, bit by bit, every time my expression of a need was being met by an evaluation. When, as a child, I expressed I needed some respect, I was being told that not only I was not good enough to get respect, but that I was not good enough to even have the right to need respect. I was not important enough to even have the right to need attention, let alone to get it. I never worked enough to have the right to need rest.

Yes, it really seemed that one firstly needed to gain the right to have needs. And I did not seem to have succeeded in gaining this right. So I learned to not have needs.

After internalizing this in a form of a heavy duty self-evaluation, I soon found myself fully judging my needs as a sign of weakness and dependency. I thought having needs was utterly immature and unspiritual. I learned to even feel guilty for having needs, since this was so selfish. You know, how can I even think of talking about my own needs, when there is so much suffering everywhere.

Yes, sometimes it is so darn hard to just allow myself to feel my needs and just let them be, without trying to suppress them, fix them, evaluate them, sort them out, manipulate them…

Oh well, oh well…

After this realization I now feel incredibly content and have a good deal of clarity inside my being. Yes, I have had needs in my past and these needs were often totally ignored, denied, neglected and not even considered at all. Both, by me and by others. And consequentially I felt lonely, very very lonely.

And I have a lot of needs now. For acceptance, freedom, appreciation, autonomy, celebration, meaning, consideration, sexual expression, peace, trust, understanding, joy, rest, relaxation… Right now, having all these needs seems not only OK, but actually beautiful.

Needs I am having seem to be the most alive aspect of me.

The proof of me being alive.

Tribal wars

Among the many important things I have learned about the nonviolent communication and nonviolent relationships, the issue of requests vs. demands holds a special position. Not only that it is now completely clear to me that I don’t want ever to demand people doing anything at all; simply because I don’t want them to be doing anything out of being forced to do it by my demands, but rather because they would be genuinely interested and honestly motivated to do it – you know, the children-feeding-ducks analogy again. Another thing that I also learned is to distinguish within myself between requests and demands. Namely, sometimes I might be quite convinced that I am only requesting people to do something, but then it turns out that there was a demand hidden underneath this polite request. The way of checking out is pretty easy; I just need to sincerely ask myself: “Will I be completely happy if their answer is NO?” If I will be disappointed, angry, hurt…, then this means I was in fact demanding, expecting the other to behave in a certain way, with plenty of shoulds in my head: “He should this, she shouldn’t that…”

Anyway, lately I have been struggling with another issue in regards to the question of demands and requests. Working with youth or when communicating with my teenagers, I often find it so difficult to get across that I am only inviting them to do something, proposing something, requesting, but not demanding anything. Somehow my communication gets distorted somewhere in the empty space between us. Our dialogue follows this algorithm:

Me: “Would you be willing to do ….?”

Teenagers: “So are you saying we should…?”

Me: “No, I am not saying what you should or should not, I am just asking whether you would be willing to …?

Teenagers: “Yeah, but the thing is that you are expecting us to…?

Me: “No, I am inviting you to… And if my proposal is not working for you, I will be only too happy to sit with you and try to find a way that will work for everybody…”

And sometimes this dialogue continues: me sincerely inviting, them hearing demands, me proposing, them hearing shoulds and shouldn’ts, me honestly requesting, them hearing orders, me wanting to empower them and their power of choice, them hearing restrictions and limitations… Sometimes it takes days, sometimes it takes weeks for them to start hearing my message…

It seems to me that the contextual communication is overriding the direct one. It is not what I am saying and what the energy behind my words is. It is rather who I am. You see, I am an adult and they are teenagers, kids. From their perception I am from the hostile tribe of grown-ups who don’t listen, who don’t hear, who don’t pay attention and who don’t give a damn about kids’ needs, feelings, inner worlds, opinions, perceptions…

I belong to the violent tribe of grown up masters of the world, who have the power over kids and who just demand, order, expect, boss around and manipulate in any way just in order to get their way. I am a member of the aggressive clan that they have learned to be very careful with and fight very hard to emotionally survive.

Actually, understanding the context in which they are hearing my words now makes my attempts a bit easier, a bit more clear. Now I at least know that when I start working with a new group of teenagers, I need to be extremely careful to not invade their world with my adult arrogance and to not try to rape them with my “wisdom”. Because then I will only prove to them that I indeed am from that tribe and the war will start.

What I need to do to is to sit in front of them as simple and open and honest as I can, vulnerable and imperfect, and listen to them with a sincere desire to understand their world, to respect it, to connect with it. And patiently wait for the inspection and evaluation period to be over and to, perhaps eventually, be honoured to be trusted and invited.

And when this contact happens, it is just about the most beautiful feeling of connecting with another over a huge and a deep gap.

On feeding ducks

I really like the story Marshall Rosenberg, the father of the Nonviolent Communication that inspires me so much, likes to tell when explaining how he came across some of the fundamental ideas of the nonviolent approach to relationships. He was observing children feeding ducks in a park and suddenly realized it was impossible to say who of the two was enjoying it better – kids that were giving food, or ducks that were receiving it. It was evident that children were at least as happy as ducks, if not even more.

And this is something that I keep realizing over and over again in my life – that giving is actually more fulfilling that receiving. Perhaps this also has to do with my own personal difficulty to receive… – but this is another story. A long one, actually.

Yet, in regard to this giving business I started to feel so damn depressed and frustrated about a week or so ago. You see, I enjoy giving, I really do. I like to contribute to somebody’s life, do something for them, give them something, help them out, meet some of the needs they might be having. It brings me pleasure, happiness and fulfilment. But on that day I just felt I have reached the limit to it: the joy was gone and I was losing balance. Frustration started to creep in, along with the feeling that I am the only one, in certain interaction in my work as well as at home, that has been giving. I am not saying this is an objective reality, but this is how it felt, very strongly. I felt I had been giving, giving, giving and it was not joyful anymore – in fact suddenly each time I gave, I felt frustrated.

When I started to dig deep within myself and seek for the core of my frustration I realized it was not that I would be needing to be given anything back in return, like gratitude, acknowledgement, appreciation… Well, sometimes I of course am needing that too, but now, in this particular situation this was just not the case. The frustration seemed to be coming from the fact that I really needed – and still badly need – to experience that I am not the only one that is giving. I need to co-exist with others in an interaction in which everybody is giving and contributing, where this beautiful flow of giving and receiving is happening. I really want to be in this children-feeding-ducks-situation.

I guess this has to do with my longing for community that I wrote about some time ago. The desire to live with people that enjoy giving to each other. Yes, living with people that find it so damn joyful to walk around and feed the happy ducks, that they just want to keep doing it. Out of simple joy, not out of obligation, responsibility, duty…

Now, if I go and start telling this to people, it comes across as a moral pressure, demand, expectations and it just does not work. So, for the time being I will just be mourning and grieving over the fact that this need of mine is not meet.

Hmmmmm….

Ok now Robert, enough of whining, gotta go packing bags for a week in New York City.

Speaking of ducks; I guess I won’t see many ducks there.

A celebration

The year is coming to the end and me and my dearest wife are, as usual at that time of the year, evaluating the quality of our lives in the past year and thinking and talking how to make our lives even more full and meaningful in the year to come. So today, while taking it easy at the nearby sauna and talking about what was good in this year, I realized that I actually have a lot to celebrate. For instance:

• as I have vowed, in the second part of the year I worked less and my life feels different, much different now. I am living again, I am not constantly tired, I have even time to just sit and watch the clouds occasionally…
• I spent a lot of quality travelling time alone with my beloved wife, like Crete, Albania, Croatian island, Andalucia… With just the two of us and no pressures, just being together and enjoying it all.
• I managed to spend quite some time alone, taking care of my need for peace and silence and for solitude, mostly on islands and Zen retreats.
• I have gained a considerable amount of clarity about some of my existential dilemmas, especially on what I want to focus on in regards to my work in the future. It is very clear now that NVC will play a major part in my life in the future, especially in terms of mediation, working with kids… So there are projects opening up in front of me, very meaningful and inspiring, and I feel incredibly excited about this coming period.
• our kids are doing well, really well. Of course they are having their teenage ups and downs, but they are adorable individuals and our communication in our little community is progressing well.
• I have managed to spend beautiful time with kids, time, that have contributed to our lives and will stay with us forever, be it our short trip to Budapest, a longish trip to France and Belgium, or some wild time during our adrenalin vacation.
  
• I have attended very inspiring events this year, like the Dialogue Process training in Germany, NVC training in Germany, Warrior of the Heart training in Belgium, Congress of Interculturalists in Spain… My hand was very lucky, very lucky indeed.
• So many new beautiful friends appeared in my life and our house was full of inspiring visitors
  
• I have managed to eat a bit less and exercise a bit more – good, very good. Is my mind getting less weak?
  
• It seems I am not losing my hair anymore. At least in the last half a year or so the shower and bath tubs are just not as full of my hair after I step out. I am not sure what has happened, but, hey, who cares, let’s celebrate!
• I was blessed to experience some utterly magical moments, like the one with dolphins.
  
• And I am still writing this blog. One full year and I still enjoy it immensely. Not to mention all this beautiful people I have connected to via this blog. Touches me deeply. It is true that sometimes I get a bit restless, wanting to meet you all, but the night is still young, so let’s celebrate the overture and afterwards we will celebrate even more.

Boy, writing this (and having my fingers rather tired already) I can see that my life is not all that dull. Which makes another reason for celebrating.

I am truly happy about the above, deeply gratefully celebrating it all. Thank you, thank you, thank you…

Oh, did I mention that I celebrate Obama’s election?

And so many other things…

Definitely not a fast learner

It is pretty embarrassing. To begin to understand something I have been teaching others for about two decades or so. You see, I have been preaching all over the place how extremely important it is to firstly understand each other fully, before you even think of trying to make a deal, an agreement, a strategy to resolve a conflict and to then proceed. I have been teaching all that time that it is really essential to genuinely wish to understand the other person first; if you ever want to reach an understanding and resolve a conflict.

And just during the last couple of weeks I finally started to get this myself too. In a way, I am understanding myself finally.

I am just beginning to comprehend that it does not make any sort of a sense to even open my mouth unless I have a clear and sincere desire to simply connect with another person, to just connect with what they are feeling, how they are perceiving this life, what is hurting them, what is motivating them. Unless I have this genuine intention to step in their shoes and listen, understand and empathise with their world, it is far better to keep my mouth shut and to walk away for the time being. And perhaps come back later.

Because as long as I want to change others, as long as I want to fix them, make them understand, make them see, make them realize that they are wrong and that I am right, as long as I try to prove my point and have it my way, they will resist. They will not feel understood, they will not feel respected, they will not feel accepted… They will in fact feel violated, pushed away and they will resist. Fight. And I can easily understand them, since I don’t like to be pushed around and be told that I am wrong, that my perception is wrong, that my feelings are wrong. When I am being treated this way my motivation to communicate truly goes downhill.

Although I know it on the rational level, it is so damn difficult to put in practice the knowledge that it is never about who is right and who is wrong. Conflict never resolve at this stage – they just get suppressed and postponed. Yet I like to jump, especially when emotionally involved, right into it, proving how right I am and how wrong the other person is. You know, firstly to climb on a higher ground, obtain a superior position and then, and only then, start talking. But who will want to talk to me then, after I have built these walls?

So, right now, after these intense realizations I have had in the last few weeks, I want to imprint it in my brain, tattoo it all over my hands so that I can see it all the time and not forget about it tomorrow when communicating with my kids or wife or whoever: “Firstly connect with them, with what they are perceiving, what they are feeling, what their needs are… You don’t have to agree upon anything, just understand, empathise and create a genuine, open, sincere connection with a human being over there.”

After this it is all much easier.

Mind cleared, focus regained

The last couple of weeks were a bit hectic around me, and the last couple of days were a bit confusing in my mind. My dear two friends from Sweden were here and we were either spending time together, laughing and crying, on NVC workshops here, or running around the country to get some sun, fresh air and fun together. After they left, a ton of things needed to be talked about and handled with my wife before she left for North Ossetia for the third time this year. Or is it the fourth time already. Boy, this time really flies.

In between I was giving trainings and seminars non-stop, in and out of the country.

And, as the cream on the top, carpenter is completely redoing one of the offices and so my office is used as a storage room for the time being and looks like this:

And, of course, consequentially I had no time nor energy to write my blog.

But in the last couple of days a tension begun to start rising within my mind and weird thoughts started to circle around: “I will start losing my readers. People will get tired of checking back only to see I haven’t written anything for a couple of weeks already. I need to write a post or two. I should do it. I must do it! Otherwise my statistics will go downhill. People will abandon me. I better write something really smart and funny NOW!”

And there I was in this achieving mentality, thinking that it is all about getting somewhere, achieving some supreme goals, fight for readers, be good, be better, be the best, climb higher up the ladder… You see, not so long ago I was pretty critical about this sort of thinking.

Now, no matter how much I like to whine over constantly being exhausted from the intense interactions with people through my work as a communication trainer, team coach and a mediator, right now I can see how great it is to do this kind of work since it helps me move through traps like the one above in almost no time.

In my work certain crucial themes of life are constantly present, like the question of core personal values, existential dilemmas, innermost needs. So, being “forced” by the nature of my work to constantly face and contemplate these issues, they persistently keep bringing stuff from my life to the surface as well, literally on a daily basis, and this surely helps me to not waste too much of my life on things that I would find no meaning in. Although my dear blogging mate Razz sometimes fears I am about to go mad.

So, in the above case of my blogging dilemma the situation got cleared pretty soon; this is to say immediately upon me remembering of my core “blogging values” that lead me to start writing this blog in the first place. Instantaneously it was clear to me that these values of mine had absolutely nothing to do with achieving or becoming anything. Quite on the contrary: when I started with this blog almost a year ago, I had three clear values on my mind:

• to write what is alive in me, right here and right now. Regardless whether it is smart or not, funny or not, impressive or not, twice a day or once a month.
• to write what I believe could be of some sort of interest for anybody out there. Otherwise, why litter?
• to honestly share. Just honestly share. And NOT teach & preach.

So, when I remembered this, the urge to write something just for the sake of impressing people out there, was gone. What a relief.

Yes, sense of freedom and choice does matter a lot in my life.

But I believe by tomorrow I might get my office in order, get some sleep and get some inspiration. I can already feel something is coming up from within, wanting to be expressed.

Some crazy weeks ahead

Ok, this is going to be some interesting our-of-routine time in the next few weeks.

• Tomorrow morning my wife flies away to North Ossetia on a humanitarian mission, for ten days. Cat, mice…
• And tomorrow afternoon my dear friend Anne-Claire and her husband Ludo will finally reach our town – they are on their three-month walking tour across Central and Eastern Europe – have a look at their blog. I have met Anne-Claire through interculturalist circles a couple of years ago and we grew into becoming true friends. She is a sunshine! Such a beautiful, pure and shining person and I am really looking forward to see her again, meet her husband and host them in our house for a week or so.
• Just about when my wife comes back another sunshine will come, this time a double feature. My two dearest NVC friends, crazy ladies from Sweden, will arrive to stay with us for a week and do some NVC work together. And to have a lot of laughs. I sense The Force hinting me this is going to be insane.
• Then my wife will be off to North Ossetia again. Cat, mice…
• Soon after she comes back my dear friend from Belgrade, Serbia will come with his family to stay with us for almost a week. I have met him 22 years ago in the military service (along with Nado we were inseparable) and we have been great friends since. They hosted us, for instance, when we were coming, dirty and tired, from our overland journey to India and also this year when me and my wife were driving back from Albania. This dear family of musicians and artists always enriches us with their beautiful spirit, openness and love, and I am so happy we will spend this time together.
• Oh, I almost forgot to mention it; I will be giving trainings and seminars across these times almost non-stop. So, long days, short nights, I guess.

Who cares. I’ll sleep when I am dead. YIPPEEEEE!

And for all my dear friends, those I will meet soon and those I will, hopefully, meet some time later…