Down!, Ego, down!

Today my wife’s parents dropped by for a coffee. After an hour or so of chatting about this and that, they left and I found myself overwhelmed with feeling absolutely humble, and also a bit frustrated with myself.

You see, these two old hardworking people are so beautiful, simple, loving, modest, soft. This simple beauty shines from their eyes and from their hearts and while sitting with them across the table my heart was melting and tears started to gather in my eyes.

And I felt somewhat dirty, utterly polluted with my own inflated ego, self-promotion, smart mouth, cynicism, arrogance…

Sometimes I feel so tired of myself, of my persona, my own ego. Because it takes such a long long long time to peal all these layers off. And there are so many, glued just about everywhere.

Oh, well…

Give us back some heavy duty maturity rituals

When I manage to observe my teenagers with empathy, I can see that they have a tough time trying to figure out their position in this world and their identity. Perhaps a tougher time than my generation had.

This new generations, at least in the modern Western societies, have been bombed with information and options to a much higher degree that any generation before. Even adults are having a hard time figuring out how to live their lives surrounded with hundreds of TV channels, thousands of commercials creating and shaping their needs, millions of consumer goods dragging credit cards out of their wallets, all the internet goodies giving them an illusion that there’s absolutely no need to go away from their computers at all… It is so understandable that adolescents fall prey to all these temptations in their teenage years of confusion, fragility and many searches.

When in my teenage years, I used to spend a couple of hours each day roaming with my dog around forests and another couple of hours per day listening to music in darkness just to sort out my daily confusions, thoughts, existential dilemmas and emotions. I can imagine that these modern teenagers have the same dilemmas blurring their beings on the one hand, and many more distractions that keep them from actually facing and digging through them, on the other.

And there’s yet another thing that keeps my mind busy lately, thinking that we parents could help and support them a bit more than what we actually do. I read that some anthropologists claim that puberty is an invention of modern times and that ages back teenagers did not face the same periods of confusion between the childhood and the adulthood as they do now. The crucial point seems to have been the rituals of maturity.

Becoming a fully responsible adult seems to had been a more clear-cut achievement, with people knowing just how long they were children and from which point on the childhood was gone. In some cultures they have sent them to monasteries for a year or so, to go to savannah to kill a lion, or just let them have their 12^th or 14^th or whichever birthday; and from that moment on they were to kiss their childhoods goodbye, leave their warm families, go into the world, build their own house, get their own goats and cows and field and lives; and be fully responsible for themselves.

Our modern kids do not have any of that; what they have is many years of lack of clarity, many years during which the liberties of a child are confused with the responsibilities of a grown-up person, where they want to enjoy the comfort of the family house, but not share the responsibilities of the household. And this long passage is not only killing for us parents, but also for the teenagers, adding tremendous weight to their already not easy search for identity, meaning and a way to live.

I can count myself as somebody who, though not with the best childhood possible, have been fortunate enough to affirm his adulthood and maturity with three initiations in one life. The first one was my suicide attempt at 16 – a clear and fully responsible choice to step out of the painful-but-safe known into the complete unknown. The second was to leave, again, the known and pre-set life and jump into the void of roaming, with no money and maps, in a heavy-duty hippy style, around Middle East and Africa for half a year. No mommy and daddy around to get me out of troubles, only me and the big, uncontrollable world. The third one was the 13 months of obligatory military service in the Yugoslav army – where my needs, wishes, thoughts, feelings, values… did not matter a thing. Yet there I was, finding my way through the day, one after another. Ok, I was not enjoying every bit of these passages, but they were actual thresholds and every single time I came out on the other side more firmly grounded in the reality of this life. And, despite all of that, it still took me another decade or so in order to start acting and living as a fully responsible and mature human being.

So, no matter how irritated sometimes I can get while observing my three teenagers dragging themselves around the house, whining over petty little things that happen to them during the day and resisting to take on even little discomfort or responsibilities, if I look with my heart I can see they are not having a nice time. Sometimes having no problems and facing no boundaries can make you numb and ignorant of everything. Which is painful.

So I am seriously considering creating certain maturity rituals, perhaps encouraging them to take a year off, go pick oranges in Australia or something to make money and afterwards backpack around the world a bit. Or go to a humanitarian mission for a few months somewhere on the other side of the planet. Or go work somewhere for a year and then see if studying is still such a boring and terrible idea. Or… Hm. Do you have any ideas for initiating teenagers, in a humane way, into the adulthood and reality of life?

A beautiful shock

I believe everybody that has ever worked as a psychotherapist or a social worker, has heard enough heartbreaking family stories to be now highly aware of the consequences that certain ways of treating children create. I have, with years, developed such a sensitivity for that matter that it is not only rather stressful for me to observe parent–child scenes that are causing pain in children; much more, I started to notice that I actually automatically expect a power struggle to be happening at some point and so am all the time a bit tense when in company of parents and their kids. Not much, but just ready for the moment when a big one will hit the fan.

And yes, they often do happen to a certain degree, power struggles in which parents either go violent and want to have power over their kids, to win, to dominate, to have the final word, or going passively and become victims of their own little dictators, who at the end really freak out in these relationships with no clear boundaries.

These situations tend to evolve and turn into habitual nightmares in which parents go manipulating (…but don’t you love your daddy?), threatening (…if I see you doing this just one more time you are going to regret it!), laying guilt trips on kids (…our kind visitor is going to be very sad and he is going to cry…), lying (…I really don’t have any money left to buy you a chocolate…), evaluating (…you are such a selfish boy and you are making your mommy so sad…) and so forth. The latter one is a particularly hard one for me to hear since I have heard it so many times in my own childhood. And it was damn painful, confusing and isolating feeling. Terribly isolating.

Well, this is a post about good news, actually. You see, being ready for the worst, sometimes I experience a beautiful shock. The last one was when spending time in Warshaw with my newly acquired friend Ian and his little daughter. Of course, for about ten minutes or so I was in my typical state of alarm, but than I noticed how respectfully, with gentleness, patience, empathy, honesty, openness and love he was treating her. And I started to feel I was just melting down in a relief, just emotionally relaxing, breathing again.

Suddenly it was so great to be there, knowing I did not need to worry; he was going to handle everything in the most beautiful way. All her ups and downs, all her problems and demands, all her feelings and needs, all her worries and confusions. Man, was I enjoying their father-daughter company and all that day became beautiful, with love all around.

I don’t know, Ian, if you are ever going to read this, but thank you so much for infusing that day for all of us with all that love.

Do not have children

Observing a family with two small kids, setting up a tent next to our camper during our short adrenaline vacation in Slovenian mountains (rafting, high ropes, canyoning, paragliding, bungee – verdict: canyoning most enjoyable, bungee most terrifying, paragliding possible future), I remembered a post by my blogging friend Robin Easton on how families with small children are often being looked down upon and avoided in camps, everybody fearing that their vacation is going to be disturbed. So, I immediately decided to not fall into this trap (as I actually even vowed to in my comment to Robin’s post) and be positive and open towards them.

But, oh boy, did that prove to be a difficult task in the next couple of days.

Kids were about 2 and 4 and they were crying ALL THE TIME. Parents were a young and completely depressed couple, just attempting to switch kids off in the evenings, in the mornings, during the days, just to park them somewhere and have some peace of mind. Unsuccessfully. I have not seen them smile at their kids even once, never giving them a single encouraging and gentle glance, let alone any sort of touch, hug, kiss. It was basically just ordering them around and rolling their eyes when the crying started again. They never unpacked their bicycles, never brought any ball or toy or anything from the tent. Kids seemed completely lost, helpless, unhappy, confused, and parents appeared to be at the edge of sanity, worn out, disillusioned, depressed.

It was so easy to have empathy for all four of them. Yet my knowledge of their language was not good enough to do anything really and I also did not feel like jumping into any sort of rescue missions here.

This was obviously not what these two people had imagined a family life to be like – well, this is not what any parent ever desires for. A constant mutual torturing. Yet, not every family scene in the camp was like that at all. There were extremely happy families around, with laughter, play, joy, hugs and kisses, expressions of love and beauty, everybody enjoying each other and life.

I guess I am a bit pissed off by this let’s-have-kids propaganda. Photos of happy mothers with happy babies everywhere, romantic images of loving families, all the celebrities – all delighted and mystically uplifted – speaking how having kids changed their life and brought meaning to them and all of that. And then, when young couples are all crazy about each other, when their brain is temporarily out of order because of being in love, when all families are hinting them to hurry up and produce some grandchildren, yes, it is then so easy to see only the bright part of it and jump into having kids.

Yet, all too often they have no clue about the reality behind it all, the one that was so lucidly expressed in my beloved film Lost in Translation, when Bob, telling Charlotte about life and having children, says: “The most terrifying day of your life is the day the first one is born… …Your life, as you know it… is gone. Never to return.«

So, I would like to scream to all the young future parents, please, for everybody’s sake, DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN – unless you fully understand, that:

• you actually do not have to have children. It is perfectly fine to live your life with no kids. There’s plenty of children in this world and nobody will suffer if you simply choose to not have them because you do not feel like having them.
• yes, having kids is one of the most beautiful things that can happen in life, yet it is also a very, very, very, very hard work
• once you have kids, you have them for good. You cannot change your mind. Ever.
  
• you will be fully responsible for them and your relationship with them for many, many years. No time-outs, no excuses.
• raising children will demand huge amounts of your time and energy. Therefore you will have much less time and energy for yourself and for your relationships with your spouse. This will bring about conflicts, dilemmas, problems, that right now you do not even dream of.
• raising children will ever demand changes within yourself and the relationship with your spouse. Raising children is actually not doing work on children but rather working on yourself and all the stuff that keeps coming up. You can not do a good job with your gloves and asbestos suit on. You will need to get fully naked and be willing to be influenced on a daily basis. It will change you a great deal, whether you want it or not.

But, on the other hand, it is all about the unconditional love, the beauty of life and all the magical subtle joys that will bring about the best moments of your life. There are so many of your needs that will be met and you will have a honour and a pleasure to meet so many needs of your children. And the hugs you will be getting from them will be the warmest and most sincere hugs you will ever experience. And their tiny little fingers trustingly holding your tired hand on a late afternoon walk, while sharing some basic truths of life – well, this will keep you going for centuries.

Proud of differences

Observing my kids developing similar traits and habits to mine is rather difficult for me, as I was mentioning earlier. When I see that I feel that I am somewhat invading their space, limiting the scope of possibilities in their lives. I feel that I am being too big and too important, as I do not want to lead them really, but to support and encourage on their own paths. Therefore observing similarities between me and them often leaves me with some worries.

On the other hand, what makes me feel really good, and even proud, is to notice the differences between them now and the way I was at their age. For example, the oldest one is much different in many ways:

• in his age I used to be shy, uncertain and very passive in entering relationships. He is proactive and with high level of self-esteem. It is so good to see this.
• I used to blame my parents for everything, passively expecting them to take responsibility for my problems and solve them, especially financial ones. He is far from that; never begs for money, just wants to clear things out and proactively seeks for the ways to make money himself. It looks like he just does not find it interesting to play the role of the victim of destiny (and his father) – the one I loved to play when in his age. And, as embarrassing as it is to admit this, also still for a couple of decades after my teenage years. And it is such a relief to see he is just not into that.
• I used to be so passive in my life, just sort of wondering around in my dreams and fantasies, waiting for the world to come to me and start performing. He is far above that, an action boy, researching the world, working on his own priorities, finding out what he is passionate about and following this passion, developing it… This gives me a lot of inner peace.

So, yes, indeed I am much happier about the differences I observe than about the similarities. Now, of course, there are many things I am not all that proud of, but let’s focus on the positive side

I definitely feel the evolution is taking place here . And I dare to think that this perhaps means I have given him/them better support than the one I got in my youth was.

Unlearning violence

Today I have worked with that group of school-kids again and reached another revealing and sad realization. Until today I have lived in an illusion that I was helping them to learn how to resolve conflicts in their life. I sincerely believed that was what I was doing. And today I have realized I was light-years from even beginning with this task. Because they have already learned how to resolve conflicts in their life.

They have been trained, with all means, and literally conditioned into resolving conflicts in a violent way. Through their parents and most of the adults in their life they have learned that the strongest prevail and that to use your power over the weaker is the way to proceed in life. This is what their parents and teachers and adults have showing them all along. Through stories, movies, tv-shows, computer games and modern myths they have learned that the most powerful one wins, they have learned that violence brings satisfaction to the winner and that winning over others fundamentally resolves conflicts. Life is a competition, life is a war and so you must fight! They have already learned that and they know this is the case. So the learning process is, as far as they are concerned, successfully accomplished.

The natural cause of events would mean that after a couple of decades they would, after hitting the wall a couple of times really hard, realize that it may be a good idea to try to interact with their spouses, kids, friends, relatives in a more nonviolent manner because things only work when the needs of everybody involved get met. And after yet another couple of decades they would start to think that it may not be such a bad idea after all to try to interact non-violently with EVERYBODY. And by the time they finally learn how to do that, most people die.

So when I want to present a less violent and more emphatic approach to communication and conflict to them, I must be sounding like trying to sell them some childish fairly tales and cheap science fiction.

It seems to me that what I am actually trying to accomplish with them is to invite them to open up to the possibility that the fairy tale is actually true. I am telling them: “Yes, yes, it is very possible and easy to walk through walls. Please, try it now…” I am trying to have them unlearn their violent strategies they have been learning the through all of their lives. How can I ever accomplish that with a one hour session every fortnight when they have been receiving further training in violent approaches through all the channels all the time in between? Oh boy, oh boy.

While listening to my whining tonight for a good hour, my beautiful NVC friend and mentor uttered the most meaningful words for me today: “Robert, just observing you, an adult, spending hours after hours with them and coping with all the chaos in the classroom in a strictly nonviolent manner, is a very strong and important learning experience for them.”

I so much hope this was true.

The Die-Hard Role of a Victim

Through my 12 years of working as a psychotherapist the most common inner enemy I was trying to help people to cope with was a role of a victim. This role of a victim of circumstances, destiny, people and forces out there does not only seem to be a common favourite theme that connects us all (in the Western world at least), but also an unconscious mechanism that has roots stretching so deep down that it is almost impossible to cut out completely.

I knew about the dimensions and omnipresence of the role of a victim in human lives and personalities literally decades ago and used to make, in my lectures and trainings, lots of jokes about victim’s dramas and acts – until one day it finally dawned on my slow mind that my own self image and personality was actually built on the drama of a victim; of my childhood, parents, schooling system, society, individuals and groups, destiny and even God… I almost could not find anything in my life that was not coloured with this “victim” colour. This realization shut up my mouth for quite a while. It was such a cold shower to realize how much I actually loved self-pitying and provoking sympathy and pity within others. And this urge is still there, to be honest. In particular I love to be a victim of my wife and my kids, of course.

I guess the story of our love affair with the role of a victim starts with our conflict with the world and with other people which just don’t meet our expectations and needs. People behave out of their free choice and do not perform quite according to our standards, furthermore even gravitation, time and other physical constraints do not strictly follow our needs… And since we do not want to feel there is anything wrong with us, therefore it must be that there is something wrong with other people. So it is them who are doing it to us thus making our lives miserable! It must be them, who else could it be? And so we sit down with couple of like-minders and indulge in our favourite sport, which is whining over an enemy out there. With a cup of coffee or a bottle of bear, it does not really matter.

The way that Erich Fromm in his book The Fear of Freedom and Irwin Yalom in his capital work Existential Psychotherapy explained our urge to hide behind the role of victim may not have as much to do with our traumas from the past as it has with the difficult and yet unresolved existential question of freedom. It appears that we are scared to death of being free. Yes, we do pray and wait and fight for freedom, but once we start having it we are terrified of the fact that freedom brings along the responsibility. Now this is heavy. To be fully responsible for our lives and existence with nobody and nothing to blame anymore – this is almost unbearable and so we prefer to create our lives in a way that we are not really free, but can at least go on being victims.

I wouldn’t want to sound as suggesting that if other people are not guilty and wrong and to blame, than it must be us who are. I do not think an issue of guilt applies in this context at all. I believe it is really crucial to be constantly aware of our own limited perspective and conscious and unconscious interpretations of what we experience to be the reality around us. And within this very relative point of reference we are left with basically two choices: accept things as they appear to be, take a deep breath and make another responsible step into the unknown, or to rather choose to sit down, point our fingers out there and blame it all on everybody and everything around and indulge in self-pitying for the rest of our lives.

I know than we are not omnipotent and that we cannot absolutely freely create every bit of this reality, but what helps me in almost every possible circumstance is to ask myself: “Now, if Buddha or a perfect Zen Roshi was in my place here and now, would he complain and whine over other people, feel he/she is a victim of circumstances?” In the next fraction of a second I most often immediately become aware of an immense room for improvement in my world and choose to make another step into the unknown. With a smile.