Not many things can trigger me as intensely as physical abuse of children, especially if it is reasoned and argued for as the right thing to do. This is where my personal reaction can be felt out of every single word (see my comments to Ian’s post here).
Parents that argue for physical punishment most often say that they only whack their kids when it is for their own good. Because this is the only way to teach them some respect and about other important values in life…
???
Here’s a simple test; say a heavyweight boxer comes around, evaluates you as not behaving in a proper way and feels he wants to straighten you out and teach you about some values in life. So he approaches you and starts beating you – with love and for your own good, of course – these values into your thick head… Would you enjoy this sort of education and love? Would your respect and love for this boxer grow? Would you feel inspired to follow the in-beaten values? I bet the answer is NO.
So, by hitting our children we are teaching them the following:
Having power over the weaker is the way to progress in life. Violence is the best strategy.
This is not only speculations, of course. If you are keen on having some quantitative evidence, you may want to turn to the research carried out at Tulane University in which the researchers, after study nearly 2500 youngsters, have shown that those kids that were spanked more frequently at age 3 were much more likely to be aggressive by age 5. Children who are spanked develop an aggressive attitude towards life, demanding immediate satisfaction of their wants, becoming frustrated quickly, have temper tantrums and behave violently against other people or animals. Then they get punished by more spanking and beating and the vicious cycle continues.
I believe one of the most important questions for the parent is the following one: “What do I want my child’s reasons to be to do whatever I wish him/her to do?”
Do we want them to be respectful, honest, reliable… because of fearing punishment? Or do we wish they would develop these values because genuinely seeing them as worthwhile following for the reason that they are supporting everybody?
Well, if it is the latter, then I believe teaching by example and walking our talk might be not only the most efficient, but actually the only way we can get these values across.
For many years my New Year’s Resolutions were mostly a joke. Something I kept copy-pasting from the previous Januarys to the present ones – again and again: I want to take care of my body and health, be more proactive, improve this relationship and cancel that one, start this and finish that… And the copy-pasting ritual was actually frustrating, starting my New Years with the thoughts about what a failure I was.
Finally I realized I needed to become more specific with my resolutions and split them up into smaller and achievable steps, something I would be able to do on a weekly or even daily basis. I also realized I wanted to clearly measure and evaluate my progress as I moved, in order to be able to react on time and introduce the adjustments needed. And I also realized I needed electronic reminders as well as human support, coaching, that would keep my intention alive, so that I would not waste even more time falling into the same traps as always: forgetting it all, being just too lazy to climb out of automatisms…
So now I have the system that works for me:
At the beginning of the year I go through the last year, celebrate achievements and think about what I want to work on next. I think about my needs that I kept neglecting, I think about my core values that I want my life to be aligned with, I think about what kind of person I want to be and what kind of life do I want to live… I try to see as complete picture as I can, taking my existence as seriously as possible.
Then I split it all up according to different realms of my life: physical, spiritual, life inspiration and meaning, relationship with my wife, relationships with our kids, other relationships, my work… In each realm of my life I write down where I want to move and what I want to do in order to be more fulfilled.
Then I talk it all over with my wife, we compare our intentions and talk about how we can support each other and how we actually WILL support each other.
Then I split all these intentions of mine into monthly, weekly and daily plans. I print it out (for every month, as they come) in the form of a complex table, and post it on the wall right next to my computer in my office so that it bites me in my face non-stop.
Afterwards I tell it all to my friend (and he tells me about his plans). He is my free coach and I am his. It’s fun.
And then the most important thing begins: with a thick red marker I tick off every thing that I complete, for every day, for every week, for every month. The blank spaces painfully remind me that I have not done what I wanted in order to have a more fulfilled life.
At the beginning of every month I send to my friend (and he does the same to me) a report about how I have been doing through the previous months. Since it is rather embarrassing to say I have not done anything, it motivates me to actually do more than I would have otherwise. When we see the other one is not reaching his own goals, we open this up and offer more support in dealing with the issue. Helps keeping focus incredibly.
I sit down with my wife very regularly and we talk about whether we are progressing in the ways we would love. Do we live according to our values and needs? Do we progress towards where our passions are…? Do we drive our lives or are we being driven by them?
So it is basically all about stopping often, checking the direction and the pace, observing and measuring and evaluating, refocusing… In a way, it is anything but forgetting it all until the next January.
And it works, it really works and I am very happy to look back over the last year and see that I have moved considerably. Physically I feel better (not every moment of the year was like this), my body is more in shape, more healthy… There’s still work to be done on providing my body with more sleep on the regular basis. An hour more per day would be great. Sounds really a petty thing, but it influences the whole of my life pretty much, my well-being, my relationships…
My relationship with my wife is great, doing better and better actually, especially after some breakthrough moments at the NVC training in Greece in September. There will be more of this in the coming year and I am already looking forward to this.
I am also happy with my relationship with all three of our teenagers – not the easiest thing to deal with, as you can imagine, but there is trust, openness, respect, love, easiness, support and open flow of communication. And relating to them is truly enjoyable and fulfilling most of the time. I managed to have quite some quality time with them this year, at home as well as abroad… And I have a vicious plan for the next year – to drag them into the nature. Will see how this works out.
Inspiration: hey, there’s loads of this nowadays, I have been involved in so many inspiring events, especially in regards to NVC, Zen, Dialogue Process, Intercultural Communication and all the notes from these events will take me a whole week to sort them out and bring them down to Earth. And, hey, we wrote a book and it is going to be published in a few months time.
And, the most important thing for me, the question of meaning; things are definitely moving in this area and I am slowly moving towards doing more ultimately meaningful things…
So, my New Year’s Resolutions are already forming and I am already celebrating the fact that they will improve my life even more.
This sounds weird – I am celebrating today that I will be happier tomorrow. Sounds like the ultimate definition of optimism…
Before hitting the streets of New York I went to the top floor of my hotel for a swim and briefly observed a scene that remained in my head and in my heart; a young mother brought her 5-year-or-so old child to the pool and attempted to make him go into the water with the hotel swimming coach, a young lady. Boy was holding his mother’s leg and wouldn’t let go, quietly crying, with a sorrowful face. Both ladies were trying to persuade him, with unbelievably stereotypical sentences: “C’mon now, you are a big boy and big boys don’t cry. You don’t want to make your mummy sad, do you? Don’t cause problems like you did yesterday. If you stop crying and behave your mummy will buy you an ice cream afterwards, and you do like ice cream, don’t you…”
None of the three was happy and they all tried their best. Ladies tried to change the little boy, to fix him, to straighten him up and have him do what they wanted him to do. And the boy tried to emotionally survive. And it was obvious he did not stand much chance.
Later, while thinking about the scene, it struck me how nobody seemed to care why this little human being was crying. None of them seemed to even think that there might have been a reason for his tears, that perhaps there were some real human emotions and needs behind it all. It seems to me the little boy was feeling afraid, insecure, confused, needing safety, reassurance, connection, some more time to make gradual steps into the unknown…
Now of course, if you look from the rational perspective, it is not such a big deal, come on, mummy wants to take this little kid to a nice swimming pool to have some fun with the swimming coach, what’s so dramatic about this? But if I look with my heart it seems to me so very sad; this little human being, this little vulnerable boy in the big wild world, being pushed here and there in this life too-big-to-handle, all the time being corrected and told what to do and persuaded into doing what grown ups want him to do, to be. With not much power to stand for his own choice, needs, values…
When grown ups decide there is absolutely no reason to cry, children must stop crying. When parents choose to not give even one little minute of empathy to their kids, they need to stop feeling their feelings, stop needing their needs, because there is absolutely no logical reason for having them, right? The feelings, the needs, the values of children are seen as less important, of a lesser value.
What a difficult world children must cope with.
And so they become good, obedient, nice, clean, perfect, sweet, shaped just according to the framework set by their egocentric parents. After some thirty years or so they will start seeing a psychotherapist or attend personal growth workshops in order to climb out of these fixed attitudes that will be by then already fully integrated into their personalities, they will strive to grow out of the automatic role they have adopted in order to emotionally survive…, and they will start to get in touch with who and what they really are.
Parenting is so darn full of dilemmas. Sometimes I feel that if I really want to do a responsible job as a father, I can just as well sit for 10 hours per day and think.
Take schooling for an instance. I honestly feel that the schooling system around the world is pretty much screwed up, directed into creating obedient people, with minds full of meaningless data, bowing down to the authorities and endlessly following some outer goals and regulations, do the social climbing, trying to be better, best, first.
Yet, despite this, I tend to evaluate my own kids against the requirements of this very same schooling system all the time. Thought I believe it is fundamentally wrong, I direct them into it and worry when they don’t comply with its requirements.
I justify this by thinking that I want to help them to, by getting some education and study habits, become more competent to operate in this world, in this system, as it is. But I don’t believe in it and it would be much more honest, brave and inspirational if I just said: “Fuck school, follow your dream…” It would be so much more true and meaningful if I chose to be the change I want to see in this world – if I paraphrase Gandhi - and support what is alive and somewhat holly inside of them, rather that cowardly support the social system killing their very essence, with this passive attitude: “Well, you know, this is the way it is, what can you do about it, so why don’t you just persist and learn this truly stupid stuff with some sadly immature and incompetent teachers, for another vast number of years, and then you will have a stupid paper in your hands and you will be able to find a stupid job and make some stupid money with it. And by then you will forget all about your dreams anyway since you will be well adapted…”
For a moment it seems like the light at the end of tunnel if I shift my focus from them to me, to my own needs; what do I really need here, what are my basic needs and values in my relationship with these kids? This is rather easy at the beginning, since there aren’t all that many:
One thing is that I need to be in a fair relationships with them, meaning that I want us all to contribute to our community, in a responsible manner. I don’t want to be their servant and I don’t want them to be mine either. I want to cooperate mutually, freely give and receive, in a balanced way that nurtures everybody. This is very clear and very important to me.
And the other thing is that I want us to interact with each other in a respectful way, not because this is a moral thing to do, but because we genuinely do respect each other and feel this is how we want to treat each other – with care.
But with the third need I feel in this context it all gets complicated again: namely, I also have a very strong need to contribute to their own wellbeing. And now who is there to say what will contribute to their wellbeing, nowadays, in their heavy teenage period of life, when everything seems to be changing on a weekly basis. How can I ever know that? For some people the quantum leap in their lives was when they decided to persist with their schooling, and for others when they decided to quit schooling system.
I feel rather torn. I need to evaluate what they do and how they do it, since I want to do a responsible job (and not just sit at home and throw money at them), supporting them in any way I can. But what do I support? Do I support what I feel is best for them or what they feel is best for them? Do I support what they feel is best for them now or what I believe they will feel in, say, ten years? Do I just stick to what I feel is crucial in human life, like being honest, fair, empathetic, independent, responsible, free, with an independent and open mind, and a warm and loving heart? Or do I go along the framework of this not-so-very-perfect society that they will have to struggle with, whether we like it or not?
Sheesh…
Anyway, my teenagers come home with some heavier school failures (in general because they did not find time to sit down for a bit in between all the omni-important computer activities) and a part of me just wants to laugh: “Don’t worry about it, there are other things to worry about in this world.” Another part of me is very evaluative and wants to be angry because they have all the chances in the world for a very easy and comfortable life, with a bit of study. And there are millions of kids around the world that are really eager to study, but there is no school anywhere near and they need to fill their bellies first and survive bombs being thrown at them. Yet another part of me strongly feels there is absolutely nothing to worry about, I know they will make it and I feel they are great just the way they are. And another part of me just does not want to support whatever they do, if they want to sit on computer for ten hours per day, for instance. Studying seems a more meaningful thing to spend your days on.
But is it really?
This does not seem to have an ending.
Another clear thing in my mind is the reason whyI want them to be doing anything in their lives; I definitely wish they do, whatever they chose to do, out of their own inner motivation. Not because they fear me, not because they fear consequences, not because they want to impress anybody, not in order to buy love or anything, but because this is the people they want to be in this life, this is their free choice, this is what they are here for, and because this is what contributes to the beauty of their lives.
Well, perhaps it is just the high time for me to saddle our van and go to an island for a few days. And get in touch with the broad picture again.
The last couple of weeks were a bit hectic around me, and the last couple of days were a bit confusing in my mind. My dear two friends from Sweden were here and we were either spending time together, laughing and crying, on NVC workshops here, or running around the country to get some sun, fresh air and fun together. After they left, a ton of things needed to be talked about and handled with my wife before she left for North Ossetia for the third time this year. Or is it the fourth time already. Boy, this time really flies.
In between I was giving trainings and seminars non-stop, in and out of the country.
And, as the cream on the top, carpenter is completely redoing one of the offices and so my office is used as a storage room for the time being and looks like this:
And, of course, consequentially I had no time nor energy to write my blog.
But in the last couple of days a tension begun to start rising within my mind and weird thoughts started to circle around: “I will start losing my readers. People will get tired of checking back only to see I haven’t written anything for a couple of weeks already. I need to write a post or two. I should do it. I must do it! Otherwise my statistics will go downhill. People will abandon me. I better write something really smart and funny NOW!”
And there I was in this achieving mentality, thinking that it is all about getting somewhere, achieving some supreme goals, fight for readers, be good, be better, be the best, climb higher up the ladder… You see, not so long ago I was pretty critical about this sort of thinking.
Now, no matter how much I like to whine over constantly being exhausted from the intense interactions with people through my work as a communication trainer, team coach and a mediator, right now I can see how great it is to do this kind of work since it helps me move through traps like the one above in almost no time.
In my work certain crucial themes of life are constantly present, like the question of core personal values, existential dilemmas, innermost needs. So, being “forced” by the nature of my work to constantly face and contemplate these issues, they persistently keep bringing stuff from my life to the surface as well, literally on a daily basis, and this surely helps me to not waste too much of my life on things that I would find no meaning in. Although my dear blogging mate Razz sometimes fears I am about to go mad.
So, in the above case of my blogging dilemma the situation got cleared pretty soon; this is to say immediately upon me remembering of my core “blogging values” that lead me to start writing this blog in the first place. Instantaneously it was clear to me that these values of mine had absolutely nothing to do with achieving or becoming anything. Quite on the contrary: when I started with this blog almost a year ago, I had three clear values on my mind:
to write what is alive in me, right here and right now. Regardless whether it is smart or not, funny or not, impressive or not, twice a day or once a month.
to write what I believe could be of some sort of interest for anybody out there. Otherwise, why litter?
to honestly share. Just honestly share. And NOT teach & preach.
Yes, sense of freedom and choice does matter a lot in my life.
But I believe by tomorrow I might get my office in order, get some sleep and get some inspiration. I can already feel something is coming up from within, wanting to be expressed.
I admit – in the last 8 years I was not only very critical of the U.S. politics and it’s ways of behaving in this world, but also sometimes had difficulties to distinguish between the politics and the people. On occasions I felt so frustrated while observing the attitude and the values of the US politics – which were directly opposite to my personal values for mutual respect, nonviolence, fairness and responsibility – that I generalized my critical thoughts all over the American people. I admit and this is not something I am proud of.
But today, when learning about Obama being elected and when watching his acceptance speech, I was crying a lot and felt so happy that you guys have elected this person. I love you all and I am grateful for what you did.
Why am I happy about Obama being elected? Well, I do like his thoughts, words, values and energy in general, but there in one thing in particular that seems to be the most important for me: I sense that Barack Obama sees his role of the president as a responsibility to serve people. He seems to be a genuine servant leader and this is what I find absolutely crucial.
Sometimes when I work with politicians I find it so damn difficult to get this idea across, the idea that they are here to serve people (And if they don’t like this, they may as well go home and stop making mess). Their inner reaction tends to be: “No no, I am on the top now and others need to serve me.” They only too often perceive their position of a leader as their chance to tear apart and divide the prey they have finally laid their hands on. For them being a leader means a sort of a competition, who will get to the top, who will win over others, who will be the first.
Now, I don’t believe this is what the true leadership is all about. I believe it is about responsibility, about a call, about a sacrifice, about serving. It is a burden actually, not a prize.
So, I believe Barack Obama is a servant leader and he is a leader I would love to be led by. To be honest, Americans, for the first time in my life in envy you; you have a leader I would love to have.
Yet, I am also fearful. I question myself how much can one person really do in this world that seems to be ruled by the invisible elites and the international clusters of financial power that keep generating far too powerful interests for any individual to fight. This fears and scepticism within me only got increased after having seen the documentary Zeitgeist – The Movie – which I strongly recommend to everybody. It will make you a bit depressive too, but I believe one needs to keep facing various aspects of reality, not only the pink ones, even if they make us unhappy sometimes.
But, despite my own feelings of disillusionment, I am aware that on the other hand there were great people like Gandhi, Nelson Mandela, Martin Luther King, Dalai Lama, that indeed did initiate big changes. So, if one’s spirit, wisdom, values and persistence are strong enough, nothing can stop him. If he manages to live long enough.
Amber’s posts about religion and about primaries and the responses got me thinking about what actually makes the rest of the world, or at least Europeans, a bit irritated by the US nationals. Is it really just the words and the actions of Mr. Bush and his aggressive foreign politics? Because many countries have led (and/or still do) aggressive foreign politics, yet the world seems to be generally able to distinguish between the politics and the inhabitants of these countries. At least to a fairly larger extent than in the case of the US. It seemed to me there was something else as well.
And than, while reading a discussion forum on the CNN website about the U.S. primaries, it dawned on me what could be the cause of this subtle and on-going rejection. Many post that were written by the U.S. citizens were full of statements about America’s superior military might, America’s rightful leadership in the global war against terrorism, America being the world’s greatest country, Americans being the greatest nation on Earth… And I remembered I have heard statements like these so many times from the U.S. citizens in the past. And I cannot remember hearing citizens of any other country speaking this language so often.
To me this sounds like having a neighbour who would sing to himself all the time: »I am the best, I am the strongest, I am supreme, my house is the best, my car is the best, my wife is the most beautiful, I am the smartest…« And whenever he would come for a visit he would keep singing this song. I don’t think this neighbour would be very popular on his block. Not because whether he was the best or not, but because of his values.
I guess hearing this over and over again may sound to many non-Americans as if Americans do not want to live along with the rest of us, but to compete, to be better, to win over, to have power over…
Now, I know I am generalizing here a lot and that I am probably mistaken in very many ways. But I still do have a couple of questions for the U.S. nationals, if you feel like answering:
Is being the greatest nation on Earth, the world’s greatest country, really an important concept in your society or am I just being mistaken?
If it indeed is an important concept in your society, why do you think it is important?
